Page 156 of Drown Like Heaven
Every time Anthony was done with me, I had to take a shower. I cried silently into the hot water, filling my lungs with steam, scrubbing my skin raw, hating myself for never stopping him. I didn’t want tell anyone about it because Ineededhim and I didn’t always hate what he did to me.
Because hemade it feel good.He was the one to teach me how to come.
And when my body was responding to him like that, how was my brain supposed to react? How was I supposed to be a victim when some part of me liked it? Even if I’dwantedto tell someone, how could I tell them that?
It was a secret that’d crushed me and crushed me and crushed me. For years. Until I couldn’t breathe without choking on it.
Until I was nothing.
Less than nothing.
But now, my eyes were closed and my thoughts were empty. Down here, nothing was real.
Only Mason. Onlyus.
Being underwater was like erasing everything. There was no past, no pain, no trauma. Just the pressure of the water, constant and close. Just Mason’s body anchoring mine.
It felt like we could stay under forever, like air was an afterthought.
There was something beautiful and devastating about it. The water, which comforted me now, would still kill me in the end, and hadn’t my life always been like that? Hadn’t I always craved my own demise? Hadn’t I always loved the things that were dangerous in excess? Finding peace in the same water that I’d eventually drown in.
Even as my lungs started to burn, I pressed into Mason harder, burying my face in his chest, holding tight to his body, not wanting to give up this moment.
I wished he could be the one to save me. I wished it so much my hands shook.
I didn’t want to resurface. Didn’t want to have all the awful noise come rushing back. Didn’t want to remember all the ways Mason and I could never last together. All I wanted was the weight of the water holding us together, pushing away every inch of space, washing away the darkness that corroded our relationship above the surface.
As if he could sense me needing air, Mason adjusted his grip.
I shook my head, silently begging him to keep me down.
Once we resurfaced, time would start again, our countdown ticking closer to our inevitable end, and I just wanted to pretend for a little bit longer.
Hold me tighter. Take me.
Kill me.
Do it now, just like this. It can be gentle like this. I won’t fight you.
Please.
But he didn’t listen to what I wanted, sliding us both above the surface, keeping me held to him. We were facing each other now, and I couldn’t avoid his eyes searching mine.
Tears slid endlessly down my face, my breaths shaky and broken.
Part of me was afraid he would ask questions, but another part of me wished he would, just so I could get everything out. I was so tired of carrying it all by myself. But if he started asking questions, he might start learning the truth, might finally become disgusted by me.
When the silence stretched on too long and my throat was too tight, I spoke.
“Do you want to ask me anything?”
He shook his head. “You can tell me whatever you want.”
“So you’re not going toforceme to this time? What happened to that?” I bit out, angry tears now stinging my eyes, my face getting warm. “Is this too real for you? Too much?”
“Nothing about you will ever be too much for me. Ever, Dakota.”
“But you don’t know the truth.”You don’t know that I never stopped him, that I begged him, too, that I wanted it, too. I let it destroy my life, and nobody forced me.
