Page 157 of Drown Like Heaven
“There’s no truth you could give right now that would shock me, or disgust me, or make me think differently of you.” He looked deep into my eyes, his irises brown and bottomless. “I don’t flinch with you. I want all of it.”
“No, you—”
“Yes,” he cut me off firmly. “I do. You can push me away, but I’ll come back. Always.”
I wish that was a good thing.
Being with you is slowly destroying me, but being without you somehow feels even worse.
A sob broke free of my lips and I slumped forward against his chest. The water was starting to cool.
“Please don’t hurt me extra just because you can,” I cried, a lump swelling in my throat. “In the end, please let me leave you.”
“No.” His voice was sharp.
“When this is over—”
“It won’t be over, Dakota. Itwon’t.”
But even as he said it, I could hear the agony in his voice. His arms wrapped around me tighter, like he could already feel me slipping away. Like maybe if he held me tight enough he could protect me from himself.
But it would never work that way.
I didn’t fight him when he stood up and lifted me dripping out of the bath, when he wrapped me in a towel and carried me to his bed, when he laid me down on his soft comforter. He brought me one of his t-shirts, and a pair of his underwear. He brushed my hair and I braided it.
As much I wanted someone who could handle my messiness, who wouldn’t be pushed away, I knew in the back of my mind that I couldn’t do this with him forever. If I let him,he would kill me.
I shoved those thoughts away, rolling onto my side, under the blankets.
Mason laid behind me, tucking my body into the cradle of his own.
I’d leave in the morning. Not now. Not when I needed this more than I needed air.
I could have tonight.
Tonight to pretend that I’d ever be able to survive him.
Chapter 42
Dakota
Rain pattered down around me, hitting the top of my raincoat, darkening the sand and pebbles to near-black, splashing into the Pacific. My boots left footprints in the sand as I walked, my hood up, my hands tucked in my pockets. The hair around my face was damp, clinging to my cheeks.
I kept walking, sniffling a little, licking rain and salt off my lower lip. I was alone.
When warm tears started dripping silently down my face, I didn’t wipe them. They dissolved into the rain on my cold cheeks, gliding over skin flushed by the wind.
Anthony was the one who gave me my first shark tooth from this beach. I’d been ten years old when that happened. Ten years old and trying to get used to the fact that I now had an older brother. Before then, my father never mentioned his other child. I was sure my mother at least knew of his existence, but he didn’t start living with us until I was ten.
His mother had gotten hit with some drug possession and intent to sell charges, so she was sentenced to a few years in prison. That was why Anthony had to move in with us. He’d only lived with her prior. I didn’t know what to make of him at first, because he seemed much older and cooler than me. He’d been in eighth grade at the time, and I was only in fourth grade. Buthe was nice to me, a lot nicer than most people in my life, and I liked him for that reason. I started to really love having an older brother.
He took me on the bus with him to this beach, showed me how to climb down the big rocks carefully, and showed me how to look for shark teeth. We used to walk up and down the dark sand, our eyes scanning for the sharp treasures, my tangled hair probably in a braid and my jeans probably a size too large, the frayed cuffs soaked with seawater. It felt special, like a secret adventure, like I was living a different life in a different world. A better one.
And I’d never really grown out of coming here.
I spotted something in the sand so I squatted down and grabbed it, rubbing off dark grains with my thumb to reveal the small shark tooth. It was black and sharp in my palm—another potential scalpel for carving out all my memories.If only it was that simple.
I walked down the shore to the ocean, bending forward and letting a shallow wave rush over my hand, clearing the sand off the shark tooth, the cold water making my fingers numb. A few tears dripped off my face into the water. White seafoam climbed up the beach, then retreated back into the ocean, murky and jade green beneath the breaking waves.
