Page 189 of Drown Like Heaven
We were meeting Mila’s med school friends at the club, so once we got to Mila’s apartment, she ordered a car from her phone. Ivan and Ekaterina were watching a movie on the couch, but they both cheered as Mila and I downed a couple shots of Russian Standard out of shot glasses themed after different classic horror movies.
It wasn’t long before we were linking up with Serena and Zoey inside the same club we’d been to last time I went out. We went to the wave-shaped bar and ordered our first round, giggling about stupid shit. The music was pumping and the lights were low and my problems were getting farther and farther with each cheap drink I swallowed.
Pink and blue and green lights smeared in my vision, sweaty bodies pushing up against me from all sides. My ponytail was swinging and my head was fuzzy, all my thoughts turning soft and gooey. I liked being normal. I liked this.Fuck everything else.
I started staggering towards the bathroom, fighting my way through a throng of dancing people, trying to keep control of all my limbs. It felt like I was going to pee my pants. I tripped over my own shoe, slamming into the back of a very tall man to keep upright. I slurred out my best apology.I’m so drunk right now. Holy shit. I should not be separating from Mila.
Whirling back around, I tried to march back to where I’d last seen her, my brain spinning and my decision-making skills nonexistent. Or my foresight skills. Whatever part of the brain was supposed to be making me pick all the right choices had stopped working entirely. Probably stopped working a while ago. What the hell part of the brain was that?My prefrontal cortex, I think…It’s not done developing. Should it be developed at this age? Does trauma fuck that shit up? Am I permanently ruined? I’ll probably never, ever make good choices if that’s the case. If trauma messes it up.
God, where is Mila?
A hand gripped my shoulder and I turned to meet Zoey’s bright eyes, spotting Mila behind her, drunkenly dancing her ass off.Yes. Good.I reached for her, joining the small circle of girls I mostly knew, grabbing for soft, girly hands to hold.
“I have to pee!” I announced.
“Me too!” Mila shrieked, tossing her arm around the back of my neck, nearly pulling me down to the ground. I used all my strength to keep standing, then started dragging her towards the bathroom, my vision swirling. The thudding bass was affecting my heartbeat, and my feet were so damnheavyI wanted to take my boots off.No. Leave them on.
We pushed into the bathroom, leaning against the wall while we waited in line for a stall. The tile was cold on my back, and it felt good.
I feel so good. I should do this all the time.
I could hardly get my shorts and tights pulled down in time once we got in the stall, my bladder about to literally explode. Mila pulled a vape out of her purse, sucking in some lychee-ice air, then exhaling the fruity cloud towards the ceiling. She peed after I did, then we washed our hands and left the bathroom.
As we waded through the crowd, I started to get the feeling I was being watched.
I swiveled my head around, scanning all the faces I could see, half-expecting to hallucinate Mason again—or maybe he was here for real. Maybe he’d been here the first time, too.
I missed him. I missed Micah.
Don’t miss them. Don’t be fucking stupid.
Whenever I thought about sucking Mason’s dick in front of Micah, it made me sweat and press my thighs together. I wanted more of that, more ofbothof them. They had obviously known each other for a lot longer than they’d known me. I wanted to know why.
A hand clamped over my mouth from behind, just as Mila slipped between two tall people. My eyes flew wide open. I grabbed pointlessly for my best friend, who was now out of sight.
The darkness of the ocean, a thunderstorm over choppy waves.
The smell of him made my stomach flip, and my body instantly relaxed backward into his warmth.Fuck. He didn’t move his palm from my mouth, so I couldn’t speak, but my thoughts were all so fuzzy I didn’t know what I’d even say. I could feel his breath on my ear.
“Remember I’ll always be here, baby,” he murmured, low, his voice blending with the music. “Don’t go running too far into that forest. Don’t disappear.”
Don’t let me disappear.
His other hand was holding my hipbone, keeping me pressed against him.
All the reasons Mason was bad for me didn’t matter now. With my blood buzzing, my veins weighted with alcohol, my body weak in his strong arms. I justwantedhim. My want for Mason felt like a sickness, the kind with no cure.
“You think he can keep you safe?” Mason pushed, taunting me. “You’ll always run back to me.”
But as quick as he’d come onto me, he disappeared into the sea of people.
I turned around, eyes searching wildly for his face, not finding anything.
What the fuck.
He just wanted to remind me that he still existed, to fuck my night up, then dissolve into nothingness. I should’ve expected it from him, knowing he hated me for what I was doing with Micah, but I hadn’t expected it. Not really.
You’ll always run back to me.
