Page 190 of Drown Like Heaven
It was the truth I tried to hide from myself. Even when I was with Micah and telling myself he was the only thing I wanted, telling myself I wouldn’t go back to Mason again, that the previous time was thelasttime, I still wanted to. His rough edges matched mine. Jagged in the same ways.
I forced myself in the direction I’d seen Mila go, determined to get even more alcohol in my system—hopefully enough to forget seeing Mason at all. It was safer, better for me, if I didn’t remember him. Less things for my mind to be conflicted over.
Less pain in the end.
Chapter 51
Dakota
After my shift at the gas station earlier, I’d purchased a fifth of our cheapest vodka and some sour gummy worms. My liver was protesting the decision now as I sat on my floor drinking all alone, but I didn’t care. It was making me feelbetter.
I’d skipped Micah’s class today—which I was sure he was mad about. But, again, I didn’t fuckingcare.
I was drinking the liquor straight from the bottle and I’d had enough of it that I no longer needed a chaser. It felt like my head was floating around my bedroom, swinging heavy towards the floor, then lifting towards the ceiling, everything spinning around me. Anthony had texted me this morning, and that was half of the reason for my spiral today. The other half was my new usual torment—using two different men as blades to cut myself with.
Only a matter of time before I just fucking bleed out.
I shouldn’t have messaged Anthony back, but I did, and it only made everything worse. He wanted to make sure I got the invitation to his stupid wedding in the mail. Ihatedwhen he texted me like he was actually my brother, like we were just family trying to find time to catch up in our adult lives. And I didn’t want to go to his horrible wedding. I told him as much, and he said I was being immature. Said I was beingchildish.
Thought you liked that.
Fucking pedophile.
My phone screen had a new crack in it from when I’d thrown it across my bedroom and it crashed into the corner of my dresser, but I had no plans to get a new one anytime soon, so there was nothing I could do about that. After my text interaction with my half brother, I decided to skip all my classes for the day. I still got off my ass to go to work, but that was simply because I couldn’t afford not to.
Eric seemed concerned about me. Ever since the day I started bawling in the middle of the aisle while dripping rain everywhere, he’d been even more understanding than usual. I felt bad, knowing that all of my anguish was my own fault. Eric was worrying about a person who didn’t deserve to be worried about like that.
I took another sip of vodka, feeling pressure build behind my eyes. The bad thoughts were getting louder and louder in my head, drowning out everything else, trying to drownme.
Anthony’s footsteps down the hall. His car engine starting. The beach.
His mouth pressing against mine and his hands in my hair. A bad, bad feeling in my stomach. A sinking feeling.
Brothers weren’t supposed to do what he was doing.
But he said it was fine.
He said it would be better like this. So I tried not to care.
His fingers pushing inside of me, his head between my legs. My face turned up towards the roof of his car and my eyes filling with tears because it felt good, and I thought that meant I’d wanted it. Sweating, my cheeks flushed red, a knot in my throat, a warmth low in my belly I’d never experienced before.
Wanting to tell our dad, even though he wouldn’t care.
Or my mom, even though she’d be too scared to do something.
But never telling anyone because I was more scared of Anthony leaving me than anything else. I needed someone to care about me, and he did. So I kept my mouth shut.
I became so quiet I didn’t speak at all.
I never said a fucking word.
The tears that had been gathering in my eyes finally spilled down my face in two gleaming trails, my nose dripping with snot. I couldn’t stop any of it, not with my mind stuck in the past like this. My fingers circled the glass neck of the vodka bottle tighter, nausea rippling in my gut.
It was only a matter of time. Soon, the darkness would cover me completely.
My mattress cradled my body as I flopped down, staring up at the ceiling while it spun around and around above me, my teary eyes slipping closed. Quiet sobs lodged in my chest, but I swallowed them down. Shame was like a noose of thorns around my neck.
I’m not sure how much longer I can run from this.
