Page 59 of Drown Like Heaven
Butterflies fluttered around my stomach and I tightened my grip on the computer mouse, trying to focus on what I was doing.
“How’s it going today?” he asked. I wanted to melt at the sound of his voice.
“Better than yesterday.” Jacob laughed. “This part isn’t giving us too much trouble.”
I expected him to ask about something on the computer, ask how I was handling the programs, anything. But he didn’t.
“Quinn,” Dr. Killshaw started, approaching her. “What do you think of the RSA3? Software not too hard to figure out?”
“Nope.” I could see her shaking her head in my peripheral vision.
“Good. Looks like you’ve got some good data collected so far. Computer seems to be running smoothly.”
Carefully, I peered back at him, finding his attention locked on Quinn.
An uncomfortable jealousy writhed in my gut. Why was he talking toherabout it, whenIwas the one actually on the computer? You know,the one collecting the data?My back teeth clenched tightly together.
I’m being so insane right now.
She grabbed another PET sample and loaded it into the machine. I took a deep breath, zeroing my focus in on the computer screen, despite the fact that I could hear Dr. Killshaw talking directly to Nate and Jackson now. He was helping them figure out how the axes should be scaled on the plots they were setting up.
It should be a log-log plot. I know that.
I started the frequency test run for the sample, tapping my fingernail on the counter while the machine worked and the computer collected the data.
The more minutes that passed, the worse I felt.
Dr. Killshaw had directly addressed every other person in this room except for me, spoken their first names and engaged with them in conversation. An anxious, upset undercurrentthreaded itself through my every thought, almost like all I could do was wait for him to finally talk to me. Like that was the only possible way of making me feel better, of soothing this discomfort.
And he wasn’t giving it to me.
Why?
My fingers unconsciously sought out my heart-shaped locket around my neck, feeling the smooth metal and little clasp, twisting it on the chain. I needed some water. We couldn’t have water in the lab, though; I’d have to go out to the locker area to get my bottle.
“I’m going to go grab a quick drink,” I told Quinn once the run was finished and she was taking the sample out of the machine.
“Sounds good,” she said. “I’ll get the last PET one ready.”
“Water,” I explained to Jacob when he peered up at me walking out of the lab.
My professor didn’t spare a single glance, however.
In the hallway, I took a few deep breaths. It was cooler out here, away from the heated press in the poly lab. It was still cooling down from something the TA had been doing on his own earlier.
The air conditioning was nice and cold on my face as I speed-walked down the hallway to the locker area.
I grabbed my water bottle from my bag and chugged half of it, wiping my wrist over the corner of my mouth to catch a drip of water.What is wrong with me? I am way overthinking this.
There wasn’t a reason I should even care, either. I didn’t know him. I shouldn’t care if he spoke to me or not. It didn’t mean anything concrete in my life, because I wasn’t graded on small talk; I was graded on results and reports and exams. I wasgoodat those things.
I also knew all of my overthinking was only magnified by the other black hole in my life, the darkness sucking everything safe and stable into an unreachable void.Mason. There were so many little things at play here, so many moving pieces that didn’t necessarily correlate.
And still, Dr. Killshaw’s dismissal needled at the tender parts of my soul. The unguarded hopes I’d accidentally let bloom without trying. All the quiet corners of my mind that craved approval were bleeding.
It’s okay. Everything is fine. I’m safe. This doesn’t matter.
I didn’t do anything wrong.
