Page 60 of Drown Like Heaven
I walked back to the lab.
Quinn was at the computer now, doing the final test run for our PET samples. I searched around for our next batch—the EPM/PU mixture—and found Dr. Killshaw leaning against the counter right in front of them. Clearing my throat, I started to reach for them, or ask for them, or something, but he simply picked one up and handed it to me.
His fingers brushed over mine, lingering for a second too long, applying just a touch too much pressure. My pulse jumped. It had to be deliberate.
My eyes shot to his face, heat rising in my chest, but he wasn’t even looking at me.
All my thoughts instantly became chaotic again.
Is he ignoring me? What possible reason would he have to ignore me?
There’s no way he’s ignoring me.
I turned away and put the polymer into the RSA3. Quinn started another frequency run.
“Wait, Quinn,” I said quickly, going over to the computer. “I think we have to do the strain sweep run instead of the frequency run first, since the is the first EPM/PU sample.”
“Oh, duh,” she smacked her forehead—her helmet. “You can keep doing the computer stuff. I feel like I’ll forget again.”
I dared to look at Dr. Killshaw, to see if he would acknowledge me, acknowledge that I knew what I was doing, that I could catch errors and correct them, but no. Nothing.
He was talking with Nate again about the graphs.
Breathe. In and out.
Quinn and I continued working through all the samples we’d molded on Tuesday, completing our runs and exporting our data while Jacob answered Jackson’s many questions on how to format some part of the report. We had to do all report formatting in LaTeX for whatever reason, which could be difficult when creating inline equations.
We’d gotten through most of the lab period when the computer froze, an error message popping up in the middle.
“That’s weird,” Quinn said as she looked over my shoulder. “Dr. Killshaw?”
“Ah,” I heard him say. “That happens sometimes.”
I felt him approach me from behind, the unique scent of him invading my senses. I couldn’t move.
He reached an arm around me, grabbing the computer mouse while I held perfectly still, hardly breathing. The warmth from his chest was radiating onto my back, though he wasn’t touching me. I could sense his height without turning my head to look, feel it in the angle of his arm next to mine.
He clicked a few buttons, overriding a shutdown procedure, then restarted the program. I tried not to be obvious with my inhaling of his scent; it was faint but heady, addictive.
It only took a minute for him to fix the computer, but it felt so much longer with his proximity driving my body temperature up. I swore he’d leaned even closer somehow.
When he finally stepped back, I was sweating.
I turned to look at him across the room.
Was hepurposefullyavoiding making eye contact with me or was I going insane?
Fuck. I turned my focus back on the computer screen.Almost done.
Jackson and Nate were talking with Jacob about his internships again, and Quinn joined the conversation. I stayed quiet. Laughter sounded behind me, and I swore even Dr. Killshaw was laughing, but I didn’t confirm it with my eyes. My face was red; I could just feel it.
The same jealousy from earlier was growing inside of me like a bundle of thorns, knotting in my stomach, scratching me up inside. I wanted to be normal, too. To be included, too. To be approved of by this authority figure giving his acknowledgements to everyone but me.
Nobody even noticed when we’d finished collecting data for the day because nobody was paying any attention to me, and I was too fucking quiet to speak up about it. Quinn checked in with me after a few minutes, then loudly announced to everyone that we were done, which elicited a few excited mentions offreedom.
My heart was in my throat as I grabbed my things and prepared to leave. Dr. Killshaw wasn’t ignoring me. I could prove it. I opened my mouth to speak, trying to force myself to be loud.
“Dr. Killshaw—”
