Page 75 of Drown Like Heaven
My phone vibrated.
Mason :You can’t ignore me forever
Me :Watch me
My fingers circled my phone, squeezing tighter as I threw his own disgusting words back in his face.Watch me. Watch me ruin your life.
He’d asked me if I hated him for what he did a week ago. I didn’t know what to respond then. I hated him for getting under my skin like he had, for carelessly messing me up inside, formaking me want something I knew was bad for me. But I wasn’t ready to tell him all that yet.
I feared a conversation like that would lead back to my past, and I’dneverbe ready to tell him about the things still haunting me.
I shoved my phone in my bag, pretending I didn’t feel the buzz of his response as I started walking across campus.
It didn’t take me long to get over to the bench I usually sat on when waiting for Mila, but my mind was torn up the entire way. There were so many things I didn’t want to think about, and avoiding them all had turned my skull into a minefield. Tears stung my eyes but I blinked them away, sitting on the bench, the metal cold through my jeans.
Mila eventually found me on the bench, looking as tired as I’d ever seen her.
“Are you okay?” I asked, hooking my pinkie with hers as we crossed the parking lot.
“It’s just heavy shit sometimes. When you really think about it. You know? Almost makes me wish I didn’t choose pediatrics.”
“I know. I’m so sorry.”
“It’s okay.” Her finger squeezed mine and she was quiet for a minute before speaking again. “I know this is wrong to say, but sometimes seeing kids with cancer is really fucking hard, like harder than seeing adults dealing with the same thing. I know that’s horrible. Cancer is horrible for everyone. That’s why I want to help people beat it.”
“But there’s something uniquely painful about watching a toddler go through chemo,” I offered.
“Yeah. Or getting results back from genetic testing and seeing their neuroblastoma tumor has MYCN amplification—you don’t know what that is, but just know it’s bad fucking news. Exactly the thing you don’t want to hear. And that was part of what we saw today.”
“I’m so sorry, Mila.” We stopped just behind the dented back bumper of her car. “You’re so tough. I love you. I could never do what you’re doing.”
“I love you too.”
I hugged her; she hugged me back.
“Do you want me to stay over or something? If you need some support.”
“It’s okay.” She laughed softly. “I’ll just bother Vanya. I know he’s awake, because I can see he’s playing video games right now.”
Mila held her phone up, pointing to a little green dot next to his picture.
“He’ll probably be grumpy, though.Ostav’ menya v pokoye, Ludmila! Ya zanyat!” she mocked in a funny voice that actually sounded a lot like Ivan. I didn’t know exactly what the Russian meant, but I was certain I’d heard that exact phrase more than once at their apartment. “Anyway. Let’s drive.”
We hopped in her SUV and she turned the music all the way up, singing at the top of her lungs with all the windows down. I joined her, elation expanding in my chest.
Dr. Killshaw hadn’t ignored me.
Imade that happen.
He could pretend not to notice me all he wanted, but I knew the truth. I’dseenit in his eyes. In the past weeks and again tonight. That knowledge burned like a flame in my core, licking my insides with sinful heat, glowing bright and dangerous.
I liked it.
Mila turned the music down when we pulled off the main road into my trailer park—so as not to wake up my neighbors. I blew her kisses, promising we could hang out tomorrow, then skipped up the steps and unlocked my front door.
Inside, I headed straight to my bedroom, stripping my clothes off and slamming the door behind me. Mila probablywasn’t even off my street yet, but I didn’t care. I knelt at my bedside table in my underwear and socks, digging in the drawer to get my vibrator out, unable to wait another second.
My blood was on fire.
