Page 86 of Drown Like Heaven
“We’ll have to catch up next week, I’ve got—” My professor’s eyes connected with mine and he froze. I put the pillow back in place, nervously planting my feet on the floor and straightening my shoulders, trying to portray confidence. “…meetings. I’ll see you later.”
“Good talking with you, Micah.”
“Yeah.”
Dr. Killshaw shut the door, still looking at me, like he really hadn’t expected me to still be here. My fingers automatically reached up to tuck my hair behind my ear, to mess with my heart locket.
“I slept through my class,” I said quickly, before he could ask, before he could say something to make me feel small. I hoped there weren’t lines on my cheek from the pillow. “On accident.”
Disappointment filtered through his expression.
And I couldn’t take it. Couldn’t take another fucking person looking at me like I’d let them down when I’d donenothingto deserve it.
“Oh, I’m sorry,Professor. Sometimes students are tired. I didn’t mean to,” I snapped, crossing my arms, subconsciously trying to hide from him. To protect myself from whatever comment he’d make about me. To brace for it.
“I didn’t say a single thing about it,” he answered, no intonation in his voice, as he went to sit behind his desk. I stayed where I was on the couch.
“You didn’t have to.” My words came out clipped as I scanned the room with narrowed eyes, trying to gain a sense of my surroundings again. We weren’t on even ground here.
“No?”
“I can tell you hate me without you saying a word,” I bit out. All my thoughts had sharpened into little blades, ready to cut him before he could cut me.
His stare made me feel cornered, trapped, small.
Prey.
I struggled in the brief silence after my words, my confidence spilling away as I tried to hold it tighter.
“How did you come to that conclusion?” he asked, completely calm, totally collected. Unaffected, as I wished I could be.
“You blatantly ignore me.”
“That’s not true.”
“Yes it is!” I shot to my feet, feeling volatile. “I try to talk to you and you—you cut me off! Or you talk to someone else and not me.”
“Is that what I do? What makes you think the behavior you’re claiming to witness from me isunusual? Why do you believe I’ve directed anythingtowardsyou?”
My head was spinning and I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t control my reaction to him. He was doing this on purpose. He was trying to gaslight me, to manipulate me, to make me hate myself more and more and more. That was all anyone ever tried to do to me. He was fuckinglying. He knew it. He knew what he was doing.
You want me to think I’m crazy, but I’m not.
I’m not fucking crazy.
“Because you switch back and forth. Sometimes you act like I don’t exist, and sometimes you act differently.”
“Enlighten me. How do I act differently?”
“Why areyouaskingme?” I crossed my arms again, hiding my chest like an angry child.
“Because you’re the one accusing me of hating you.”
“In the polymers lab on the second day, you spoke to everyone in my group except me. You addressed everyone by name and asked them about how the data collection was going, but you didn’t say a word to me.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes, I’m sure,” I spluttered in disbelief.Don’t try to make me doubt my own mind.
