Page 90 of Drown Like Heaven
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“Dakota?” a soft voice whispered into the dark room, Mila’s footsteps creaking over the wood. I rubbed my eyes, disoriented, feeling as if I’d just been woken from the dead.I need to get better sleep at night. Jesus.
“Mila,” I mumbled, dropping my head back to the pillow.
She took her shoes off and silently climbed onto the bed with me, crawling over my body so she could lay facing me. Her fingertips traced along the side of my face lovingly, but she didn’t speak.
I curled up smaller on the comforter, watching the way strips of streetlight glow laid over her face through the blinds over the window.
“Can I sleep here?” I asked.
“Of course. Always.”
“I love you. I’m sorry I just…came here without your permission. You weren’t answering your phone. I thought maybe you were asleep.”
“I love you too. And you’re always welcome here.” She smiled through the darkness. “I was doing another observation at the hospital and didn’t have my phone on me,” she explained. “Much shorter this time.”
A beat of quietness passed, before Mila spoke again.
“Are you okay, zayka? I’m here for you.”
“No,” I whispered honestly. “I’m not really okay at all.”
“New things or old things?”
“Both.” I squeezed my eyes shut. “I’m just…sinking. Drowning. I’m trying not to—like, I’m trying to stop ruminating on everything but I can’t. When will I get over this?”
It was almost a redundant question, because I knew the answer. I’d probably never get over it, and if I did, it’d take a lot more work than I’d put in thus far. What happened to me was knotted too deep in my psyche.
“You’re doing better than you think you are. You don’t respond to him anymore,” she reminded me.
“I guess. But it’d be pretty fucking pathetic if I still did, so I don’t know how much progress that really is.”
“Don’t say that.” She poked my arm and I opened my eyes. “Really, don’t. You went through some shit that I’ll never be able to comprehend, and you’re still here. There could never be anything pathetic about you.”
I wanted to believe her.
“Can we watch a movie or something? I want to take my mind off things,” I said, shifting uncomfortably on the mattress.
“Of course.” Mila grabbed my hands and pulled me to sit up, then hopped off her bed.
We entered the living room and Mila sat me down on the couch, covering me with a fuzzy pink blanket, then went into the kitchen to get snacks.
The smell of popcorn filled the air after a few minutes and I snuggled up under my fuzzy blanket, smiling to myself as Ivan and Mila bickered in Russian in the kitchen. She eventually came back into the living room, holding a huge bowl of buttery popcorn, Ivan in tow. They both sat down on the couch and Mila reached for the remote, punching buttons while Ivan scrolled on his phone.
“He’s keeping us company,” she explained while flicking through movies.
“He doesn’t have to do that.” I leaned forward a bit, looking over at Ivan past Mila. He shook his head, making a nice face as if to sayit’s nothing; I don’t mind being here.
“Which of these do you want?” Mila asked, drawing my attention back to the glowing flatscreen and the selection of horror movies she was skimming through.
“Um…” I watched her cycle through the choices, thinking. “Hereditary?”
“Shit, babe. I’m glad you’re sleeping over tonight.” She laughed. “That one creeps me the fuck out.”
“We don’t have to—”
“Shut up. Obviously I want to watch it. I’ve already seen it more than once.”
