Page 65 of Lessons in Love
The beep is heard, and I stall because I want to lay my heart on the line like I did for my parents the other day, but she’s not even texting me, much less talking to me. “Happy birthday, Virginia.” I’m not sure what else to say and I’m sure while I’m having this massive debate, it’s getting creepier to listen to the silence as it spreads, so I just say, “I miss you.”
I hang up and set the phone down. It rings and I jump, answering as fast as my heart races. “Hey.”
“Are we staying closed tonight?”
Not the voice I was hoping to hear.Romeo.“Yeah. It’s not safe for people to be out. I don’t want to encourage it.”
“All right,” he says, and I can tell he has a smile on his face. “I’ll just stay in bed the rest of the day.” I think I hear kissing noises.
Fuck my life. “We’re open the day after Christmas.”
“Cool.”
“Don’t be late. Bye.” I disconnect the call as quickly as I can before I’m stuck listening to him have sex with whomever he’s with.
Sex.
Sex.
Sex.
Man, do I miss it. Why did I stop doing it? It’s not like I didn’t have a ton of offers over the last three or four weeks. Virginia didn’t stop crushing, as she calls it, on that asshole lawyer, so why did I stop hooking up? Missed opportunities. Some lost, some are like a bar tab the women leave open, hoping I will finally say yes.
Maybe that’s what I need. I need to say yes. I’m damn moody these days and that’s probably not helping. I know my hand isn’t. Righty takes the edge off of Big Richard, but he’s never truly satisfied like he is after good hard fuck. Picking my phone up again, I scroll through some numbers. It’s snowing hard. Everyone is home because the city has closed down. I’ve got my pick of the pretty kitties tonight, so whom should I choose?
***There never was a choice. As much as I don’t like liars, I had become one of the best. When I finally started telling myself the truth, there was nowhere else I could go.
Trudging through the snow, the blizzard blinding my way at some points, I would be there for Virginia. Friend, foe, lover, despite the snow, I would go. I couldn’t resist the rhyme, but at least it has reason. Being cold like this makes you loopy so I was reciting rhymes and the presidents again, but this time, notto keep my dick down. The freezing temperatures were doing a good job of that, but to keep my mind sharp.
No taxis.
No buses.
No subways.
No bikes.
No pedicabs.
Nothing. Nothing but a pair of snow boots with three pairs of socks underneath, those too tight on the three amigos down below, long johns, jeans, and waterproof jogging pants. I had so many shirts on, a college sweatshirt, and my coat that I looked like the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man. The scarf, hat, gloves, and earmuffs just added to the sexy I wasn’t pulling off at all. But this isn’t about looks or sex, but I see how you might have thought that this whole time. Nope, it wasn’t about those things at all. They’re shallow pursuits and something I pursued often—PMV.
After three hours, I’m finally standing in two feet of unplowed snow in Lower Manhattan solid in the conviction that the only thing I want to pursue is Virginia Ryan. Continuing my journey to her Mecca, I see a beacon of hope up ahead. My pace picks up and when I approach I look in through the window. It’s not a mirage. It’s real. And it’s open.Coffffeeeeeeeeeeeeee.Get in my belly and warm my bones. There’s a line because apparently New York has a lot of other dumbasses like me who disregard weather warnings and still venture out. But maybe they’re trying to work their way to the women of their dreams too. Fine. I take it back. They’re not dumbasses. They’re just in love. Which is kind of similar when you think about it too long. I choose not to and step up to order a coffee instead.
After placing my order, I step off to the side to check emails, texts, and hoping to have heard from her. I haven’t. She’s off fucking the asshole, giving up something she used to value all because I made her feel cheap. Yup, me. Not Isabella. She was acatalyst to the catastrophe, but it comes down to me. I didn’t tell Virginia how I felt. I didn’t tell her that I don’t want to be with anyone else. I didn’t tell her I stopped fucking around the night I started fucking around with her. I didn’t tell her to be with me instead of Lowry.
And I should have.
Not because she’s a chick and chicks need to hear it, but because it’s the truth. My truth and that holds more coffee than this sixteen-ounce cup. I take the bag with the treat I bought and head back out into the snow.
Four more blocks and I finally make it to her building. Barry opens the door, tips his cap, and says, “Did you brave the elements alone?”
“For too long,” I reply not referring to the weather. “I’m hoping to change that.” I step inside the lobby. The lights are dimmer than usual, letting the holiday lights on the tree and around the desk shine brighter.
Stepping behind the tall counter, his gaze goes down, his eyes looking anywhere but at me. “Ms. Ryan isn’t here right now.”
There’s this sickness, this ball that grows when I think about Virginia and the asshole together. I know she cancelled with me saying she was going to meet him, but that stupid little emotion named hope has stayed the course with me, hanging out in the most unlikely of places—my heart—since she walked out. I don’t know. Maybe I was naïve to think she wouldn’t go through with it. She doesn’t owe me anything. Not her heart, nor her virginity. But damn it, that doesn’t mean I didn’t want both. I’m a guy for fuck’s sake.
But if I can’t have the latter, I want the former and I’ll take it without hesitation. Her heart’s what matters. I can’t give her the other so if she goes through with it with the asshole, I’ll still be here just like I promised.
