Page 70 of A Lifetime in 30 Days
None of it, was the quick answer. Not one tiny bit of it. Because none of it was her fault or her burden to share. Gail’s issues, which Vanna didn’t even have a clue where to begin with, were her own. The woman was definitely going through something, had been through something, and would probably continue to let that something haunt and torment her. But Vanna didn’t have to do the same.
She didn’t have to, nor did she want to. Seeing what Gail had turned into after years of probably being bitter and resentful had been proof that Vanna’s desire to breathe positivity into her life on a daily basis through her cards was a smart one. Now she just had to figure out how to keep that positivity going beyond the words. She had to implement them into a new lifestyle.
And to do that, she had to let go of this old life once and for all. That’s what this month was supposed to have been about anyway, but this morning, Vanna realized that she hadn’t been fully prepared to close the door on some things. Sure, she’d told herself, and she’d even shared with Aden, her plan to start the divorce proceedings in September. But truthfully, she didn’t have a lawyer in mind to handle it for her, and so there was no appointment in her planner to start that process. Which was odd because she knew a handful of divorce attorneys, most of whom had offices in the same building where she worked. So how easy would it have been to make that appointment ahead of time, just as she’d so meticulously planned out her FFSF weekends? She wasn’t going to spiral so far to start asking how easily she could’ve done that long before now, because she was over having regrets. And now divorce wasn’t an issue she had to address at all.
But letting go of the chapter of her life that had included Caleb was. It was long past time to close that book, put it on the shelf, and never look back on it again. Well, no, not exactly. There was something to be said about burying the past but keeping the lessons. A phrase from one of her cards. Even now that she had a better understanding of who Caleb was, none of it excused how he’d treated her. And it finally occurred to her that’s what she’d been looking for all this time. A reason for why things had turned out the way they had. Someone to blame. An apology. Absolution. None of which would be coming. A fact she would now accept.
Bad things happened, and she dealt with them—that was the type of woman she was. The type of woman she’d had to be. Right or wrong. Fair or unjust. It just was. But she didn’t have to wear that anger and resentment as a shield. She didn’t have to remain in a holding pattern of despair and uncertainty. She could just be who and what she was and be happy at the same time. Shewantedto be who and what she was and be happy at the same time.
“You think too much.” Aden’s deep voice rumbled against her neck as he rolled over to spoon her and dropped his arm over her waist.
He pulled her back tightly against him, similar to the way he’d held her most of the night. And she snuggled back against him, loving the feeling of warmth and safety he provided.
Safe.That’s how she felt with Aden. It had taken her a while to move past the fear and distrust, but when she had in this past week, she’d understood the foreign feeling that had really been plaguing her about him was safety. Something she’d only felt with a few people in this world. Granny, Jamaica, and Ronni. They’d been her rocks for so long, had loved her even when she’d thought she was unlovable, and she hated that she hadn’t really seen that until they’d all stood with her last night.
“But they’re good thoughts, though,” she said on a heavy sigh. “I’m allowed to have good thoughts.”
“You are,” he replied. “You wanna share any of those good thoughts?”
Instinct had her wanting to retreat, to keep her private thoughts and feelings to herself because if she dared speak them aloud, they might be laughed at or dispelled. But with a slow shake of her head, she took a deep breath and said, “Sure.”
Aden rolled over onto his back then, pulling her with him as he moved. Until they were settled into a new position, with his arm still holding her tightly against him, but with her partially on top of him so she could look up at him. He looked amazing even first thing in the morning. His chest was bare, eyes focused on her, lips still kissable despite the possibility of morning breath.
“I owe you an apology,” she said.
“No, you don’t,” he countered.
“But I do,” she insisted, and then tapped a finger to his lips. “Just let me get this out.”
When he nodded, she pulled her hand back from his face, but not all the way. Her fingers moved through his beard and over to cup his jaw as she continued. “I didn’t expect you. I didn’t want to want you at first. And then, after I’d had you, I didn’t want to need you.”
She took another breath and swallowed, pushing back the uneasiness that threatened to bubble up. There was no fear here, she reminded herself. This could be—hecould be a safe space if she opened herself up to it. And today, the first day of her new beginning, she was determined to do this.
“I thought if I let myself dream about another happy ever after that I would be just setting myself up for failure again,” she said. “And I couldn’t fail, Aden. Not at love, not again. My heart, my sanity, wouldn’t have survived it. So I thought if I just kept that door closed—you know, the way I did with the other guys I’d been with since my marriage—that was the smart move. To not want too much, not expect the impossible.”
Tears filled her eyes, and she swore this must have been the month of crying, because she had done way too much of it. But probably not really enough. What if she hadn’t spent so much time bottling up her emotions, putting on the strong face all the time? How much sooner would she have reached this place in her life? How much sooner would she have been able to claim this peace that she’d been searching for so very long?
“But I should have expectations,” she said, her voice stronger than she’d heard in a very long time. “In addition to loving myself, I should expect love when I’m willing to give it. Even if I may not get it, I should still have that expectation. And I should endeavor to find it instead of convincing myself that I was never worthy of love in the first place.”
Now he lifted his other hand to cup her face. “Why?” The question came in a hoarse whisper. His brow furrowed as he continued to stare at her. “Why would you have ever thought you weren’t worthy of love?”
Vanna leaned into his touch and closed her eyes. There was so much this man didn’t know about her, and yet he had shown up to take care of her, to offer her all of himself, time and time again. She felt like such a fool for trying to push him away—but again, no more regrets. Lifting her gaze to his, she smiled.
“My mother left me at a bus station when I was seven,” she said, then had to clear her throat of the emotion that stuck there with thosewords. “Before then, she used to oversleep—or rather, be passed out from a hangover—so I’d miss the school bus and, subsequently, school. I learned how to push the chair over to the counter, then climb up so I could get the box of cereal and a bowl out of the cabinet when I was five. Spilled my share of milk and got my share of beatings for doing so, but eventually I figured out how to feed myself. Because Mama couldn’t always do it.”
“Baby,” Aden whispered, and rubbed his other hand up and down her back.
“No, don’t feel sorry for me,” she said. “Granny came and got me from the police station the day of the bus-station incident, and I never went back to live with my mother. She has a drinking problem. She had it before she had me, so I know now that it’s not because of something I did or didn’t do. Still, her problem became my trauma, and I let that shape my life.”
Another deep, shuddering breath came, and those tears fell slowly until Aden caught them with his thumb to both sides of her face.
“She’s dying now,” Vanna said for the first time since Granny had given her the news. “And I don’t really know how I feel about that. What I do know is that I’m sick of being in this holding pattern. Of waiting for the other shoe to drop on whatever type of relationship I’m in. My marriage was a mess, but that’s been over for quite some time. It should’ve been in my heart as well as my mind, but I think the bigger lesson was in going through all the emotions and finally finding myself.”
“Is that where you are now?” he asked, still cupping her face and rubbing his hand over her back.
“Yeah,” she said with a nod. “I believe I am. And I have you to thank for that, partially. I mean, I’ve been working my way to this point. Had already decided this was my time for a new beginning. But then you came along and put the proverbial cherry on top.”
His grin spread, and the sight of it warmed her heart. She could make him smile. Just her. Wearing no makeup, without a shower or brushing her teeth, she made this amazing man smile.
