Page 40 of Play Hard
“I never loved Adrian.” My voice broke through the silence just as he turned off the main road. We weren’t going in the direction of his place, nor were we heading to the lake house. I hadn’t bothered to ask where we were going, as long as we were together.
Somewhere in the back of my mind I wondered if I was a glutton for punishment, if leaning into my need to be near him was only going to lead to a repeat of those lonely tear-filled nights I’d experienced after college.
Still, I continued, “I didn’t date much in law school. Just focused on getting good grades and finishing before I changed my mind.” A wry chuckle escaped, and I continued looking straight ahead. “It was easier to focus on school than to think about anything else. Like what I really needed. So, I didn’t. At least not until my last semester. That’s when I had my ‘come to Jesus’ moment, so to speak.”
He was listening, I knew, and he would let me get it all out. Noah was a great listener and an excellent motivator. I forgot how much I missed him cheering me on and encouraging me to go all in on what made me feel good.
“I decided that I wasn’t going to be a lawyer. I finished school and mailed my father the degree. Then, I took the bar and passed without telling anyone. I’d given my father all the satisfaction I planned to. My roommate’s cousin, Freddie, was a sports agent. She and her line sister had just opened their own agency that would cover music, entertainment, and sports. I grew up in a house full of guys, so sports was a big thing…for them at least. My father was insistent that it could only be a hobby for my brothers, though. Law was their career. For me, he allowed sports just as a way of exercise.” The memory mademy chest tight, but I forced my lips to tilt into a small smile. “My face was too chubby, and I loved chocolate a little too much. But I couldn’t get too big, that was unacceptable.” I sighed.
“It seemed so natural to work at the agency, to be engrossed in something I knew a lot about but wasn’t meant to be a part of. After I signed my first client and negotiated a multi-million-dollar basketball deal, plus a phenomenal endorsement deal with Gucci, I knew I was in the right place.”
He pulled the truck into a clearing that I remembered fondly. I’d come here twice since that first night and sat right on one of the huge boulders at the base of the mountain just to think. The illumination from the headlights shone right up against those rocks before he switched off the engine.
My hands shook and I ran them over my thighs. “That’s when I started dating again. When I was steady enough on my own, when I felt like I was finally heading in the right direction. Adrian was the first serious relationship since…us. I met him last year at the All-Star games. I wasn’t even supposed to be there, but Lucas, from our office, his daughter, had chicken pox. Two months later, after I’d been sufficiently swept off my feet, I bought Lucas some ridiculously expensive video game as a thank you for putting me in the right place at the right time. Or so I thought.”
“Why didn’t you love him?”
It was the first time he’d spoken, and he didn’t even look at me when he asked the question.
Because he wasn’t youwas on the tip of my tongue, but I swallowed the words and took a slow breath. “I wanted to.” I shrugged. “I had my dream job and was feeling great about myself. For me, that was half the battle. The rich and famous boyfriend wasn’t on my to-do list, but I was excited and I wanted it to be real. I wanted… My father liked him. My brothers,especially Senon—you know, since basketball was his thing—loved him.”
Silence hung heavily between us. I was certain he knew what I was too afraid to say. He knew exactly how I felt when it came to my family and he always told me, similar to what Pop Pop had said a little while ago, to do what was best for me. That I didn’t have to worry about pleasing anyone but myself. I sucked in another breath and released it slowly.
“It was almost everything my family wanted for me. Sure, they hated that I’d chosen to become a sports agent even though I was basically still negotiating contracts the way I would’ve done if I’d gone into corporate law.” I hurriedly swiped at the stupid tears. “I’d finally made them happy. So what if he didn’t make me laugh and hated that I’d rather stay at home, watch a movie and eat homemade cheeseburgers and fries over going from one club to another or sailing the Mediterranean on a yacht in the off season.”
“You were willing to sacrifice your happiness for them?”
There was nothing accusatory about his tone, and yet I still felt reprimanded. Like the ‘I told you so’ was floating somewhere in the near distance.
“At the time, I believed it was the right thing to do. He checked off all the boxes.” I thought about those last words and shook my head. “All of somebody else’s boxes for me.” I wasn’t wearing any make-up and that was a good thing since my hands were up and scrubbing over my face as if I could somehow wipe away how foolish those words sounded. How foolish I’d been to believe that would be enough for a marriage, for happiness.
“You’re not the only one who made mistakes.”
CHAPTER 18
Noah
Iwasn’t surprised that she didn’t wait for me to come around and open her door, but had jumped out to meet me at the front of the truck. I leaned back against the hood, and in seconds she was right there, standing in front of me. She looked amazing even in the khaki capri pants that had splatters of something on the right thigh. Courtesy of some sort of mishap at the restaurant, I’m sure. The plain white T-shirt tucked into the band of her pants and the white tennis shoes she wore were nothing spectacular but on her, they were like couture fashion. Even the way she’d pulled her hair back from her face into a short ponytail at the base of her neck was alluring. But mostly, it was her smile. The way she looked at me when I greeted her at the restaurant, my entire body warmed at the sight. And in that moment, I realized I wanted that look all to myself every day for the rest of my life.
“The headline said ‘this time with the sexy bad boy stunt legend who left Hollywood for a stint in rehab’. The brothers would debate the sexy part, but other than that, it was accurate.” My attempt to lighten this moment failed dismally since I couldn’t manage to even lift my lips into the slightest smile.
For the remainder of the afternoon after Rock left me in the office and into the evening, I’d thought non-stop about that headline and how she perceived it. She hadn’t said a word about it since we both stood in my loft reading it together. I know that was partially because she’d chosen to push that entire episode to the back of her mind. She mentioned that her publicist and lawyer repeated their requests that she stay off social media and not make any statements should members of the press actually locate her. I hadn’t seen any new faces at the bar and hadn’t heard about someone new showing up in town specifically looking for her. Then again, I hadn’t noticed someone who would’ve stuck around the bar to take revealing photos either.
“I didn’t take any of that headline seriously.” She continued looking at me, her brow raised in confusion. “And I’ve apologized for dragging you into my mess. I’ve been posted with Adrian before, and those posts had some wild headlines as well. I wouldn’t exactly say I’m immune to it by this point because that would be a lie, as you would know since you had a front-row seat to my reaction to the post. But I really do feel bad about involving you. If I’d known that someone would go so far as to follow me down here to get a picture, I would’ve stayed at the lake house until this was all over.”
“I don’t give a fuck about being in that picture or on any social media bullshit.” I bit out those words with heat already swarming in my chest because what I had to tell her was so much worse than any of those printed words. “I’m no basketball star like your ex, but I’ve had a few pictures on gossip blogs and in print. And I had to stop giving a fuck about what people thought of me a long time ago.” I dragged my hands down my face. “But this is different.”
“What’s different? I don’t understand what you’re trying to say.”
“I’m trying to tell you that I’m exactly the fuck up they portrayed me to be.” The words tumbled free, and her eyes widened. “All my life people talked about me. From my mother, talking about how she’d been forced to have me and be a single parent. To her boyfriends, who always asked if I were really hers and if she could get rid of me. To the people in this town who judged my mother and subsequently me. To everyone who thought it made more sense to put a child in cuffs than figure out what it really was he needed.” That last word was an almost whisper.
“I know what your childhood was like,” she said, taking a step closer to me.
I stopped her by lifting both my hands and shaking my head. “There’s more.” I swallowed hard because I knew she was thinking how could there possibly be more than what I’d already told her. More than the night I walked into the house to find my mother’s boyfriend beating the shit out of her. I closed my eyes to the memory, my fists clenching at my sides.
I could still see her slumped in the corner between the couch and the entertainment center. Could smell the blood that gushed from her forehead. Felt the ache in my limbs at the sight of her left leg twisted in a way that could only mean it was broken. Hear the sound of his booted feet continually connecting with her head, her chest, her stomach. What I hadn’t felt in the blurry moments after standing in that doorway was the second I went from being a child to a murderer.
A very present fury, similar to what I felt so long ago, circled that word. The remainder of the memory followed with the comments from the officer who cuffed me that night.
