Page 4 of Seeds of Christmas
“Carter?”
I turn back.
“Your brother—Dominic. He was a great kid.” She glances at the photo of Marcus on her wall. “He wouldn’t want you to use his death as an excuse. But he also wouldn’t want you to pretend you’re fine when you’re not. There’s a middle ground. You should try to find it.”
My throat closes up. I manage a nod, and then I’m in the hallway, blinking hard.
The thing is, she’s right.
I have gotten so good at using Dominic as a get-out-of-jail-free card that I do not even notice it anymore. It has become muscle memory. Skip class? Dead brother. Miss deadline? Dead brother. Need sympathy? Dead brother.
And I hate myself for it.
Because he would hate it.
2
RHIANNON
I’ve checked my packing list four times, which is a perfectly reasonable number of times to check a list before a remote research trip. Five would be excessive. Three would be reckless. Four is the Goldilocks zone of preparedness.
I pull out my packing list again and take another look. Tara, my friend who is a senior and a genius, is perched on the counter by the sink, legs swinging, her pink Converse catching the fluorescent light as she gestures wildly with a candy cane.
She’s been helping me out with my lab reports since we work in the same lab. I honestly don’t know what I would have done without her this semester. Someone has taped a paper snowflake to the window in the lab. Festive.
“So Alfie’s planning this whole Christmas thing,” she’s saying, her voice bright with excitement. “Ice skating, cooking, the works. I haven’t seen him properly since August and I amdying, Rhi. Like, actually perishing. I missmy man. It’s cute though because he’s all Scrooge-y, but he knows I love the holidays, so he’s making an effort.”
“That is cute.”
“Okay, so I need your opinion on somethingveryimportant.” She hops up onto the counter, her sparkly Christmas sweater catching the fluorescent lights. “Alfie wants to go ice skating on Christmas Eve, but I’m thinking we should do a sort of hot chocolate bar crawl instead. Which is more romantic?”
I highlight “thermal underwear” in yellow—essential—before answering. “Both sound perfect. You’re going to have an amazing Christmas.”
“Unlike someone I know who’s going to be in a cabin in the mountains collecting rock samples.” Tara leans over to look at my spreadsheet. “Is that what you’re packing? Do you really need to remind yourself to pack underwear? God, you’re just like Alex.”
“Organization is key to successful fieldwork.” I add a few more items: headlamp, extra batteries. “And I won’t be collecting rock samples. I’ll be doing geothermal monitoring. Temperature readings, water samples, pH levels?—”
“Over Christmas. Yeah, I know.” Tara’s expression softens. “Rhi, be honest with me. Are you excited about the science, or are you excited about not going home?”
I set down my highlighter. “Can it be both?”
“It absolutely can. I’m just checking.” She swings her legs, nearly knocking over a beaker. “Because avoiding your family at Christmas is totally valid. Especially when your family keeps trying to push you back together with your emotionally manipulative ex.”
“He wasn’t—” I start automatically, then stop. “Okay, yeah. He was. Sort of.”
“Thank you! Growth!” Tara grins, then sobers. “But seriously, you’re not a bad person for not wanting to go home. You know that, right?”
I nod while biting my lip. My phone is face-down on the counter. All the messages on there. From my mom,from Matthew, from Mrs. Harrison—Matthew’s mother—who apparently thinks it’s appropriate to text her son’s ex-girlfriend about “clearing the air.”
“I don’t know,” I admit quietly. “My mom says I’m being selfish. That family should come first. That I’m throwing away important relationship over ‘one rough patch.’”
“A rough patch? Rhi, that man?—”
“I know, Tar.” I pick up my highlighter again, just to have something to do with my hands. “I know. But sometimes I wonder if I’m overreacting. If I’m being dramatic. If I should just go home and face everyone and prove I’m fine.”
“Areyou fine?”
“I’m getting there.” I look at my packing list, at the map of field sites Professor Bam gave me. “And I think I need this trip to get there. I just don’t want to see him yet. I know he will try and convince me to get back with him and I don’t know if I’m strong enough to refuse.”
