Page 86 of Seeds of Christmas
The silence returns, heavier than before.
I bite my lip hard enough to hurt. Stare harder at the window. Blink back the tears that are threatening to spill over.
This is what I wanted, right? Distance. Space. Protection from getting too close.
So why does it feel like I’m dying?
Minutes pass. Maybe five, maybe ten. Time feels strange.
Then Carter speaks again, and his voice is different. Quieter. But somehow worse.
“You know what?” he says. “Shutting me out sucks.”
My stomach overturns.
Because he’s right. I am shutting him out. I have been for days.
And it does suck. For both of us.
I don’t know what to say. Don’t know how to explain that I’m not trying to hurt him, I’m trying to protect myself. That those two things are apparently the same thing, and I don’t know how to untangle them.
“I just...” I start, then stop. Try again. “Things are moving too fast.”
There. I said it.
The truth, or at least part of it.
Carter nods slowly. Doesn’t look at me. “Okay.”
“Okay?”
“Yeah. Okay.” He signals, changes lanes to pass a slow-moving car. His movements are careful. Precise. “I get it.”
That’s it? He gets it?
I don’t know what I expected. For him to fight me on it, maybe. To tell me I’m wrong, that we’re not moving too fast, that this is exactly the right speed.
But he doesn’t.
He just... accepts it.
And that hurts more than if he’d argued.
Because it means he agrees. It means he thinks I’m right. It means he’s not going to fight for this, for us, because maybe there is no us to fight for.
Maybe I imagined the whole thing.
Maybe the connection I felt was one-sided.
Maybe I’m just another girl who got too intense too fast, and he’s relieved I’m pulling away before he had to.
The thoughts spiral faster than I can catch them.
“Fine,” I hear myself say. My voice sounds strange. Distant. “That’s fine.”
“Good.” His voice matches mine. Polite. Neutral. Strangers. “Then we’re on the same page.”
Are we?
