Page 95 of Seeds of Christmas
My heart stops.
“You make me feel alive.”
Oh.
“For a while now, I’ve been sleepwalking. Going through the motions. Pretending to be fine while everything inside me was dying. And then I met you, and?—”
He has to stop, swallow hard. I can see his throat working.
“You make the world shine brighter for me. You make me want to be awake. To be present. To actually try instead of just surviving.”
“Carter—”
“I’m not done.” His thumbs brush across my cheekbones, so gentle it makes me want to cry again. “You’re scared of losing yourself. I get it. But I won’t let that happen.”
“You can’t promise?—”
“Iwon’tlet you disappear. I won’t let any part of you—even the annoying parts—get lost.”
A wet laugh escapes me. “The annoying parts?”
“Especially the annoying parts.” He’s smiling now, even though his eyes are shining with unshed tears. “The organising. The triple-checking. The way you make lists for your lists. The way you love lame puzzles. The way you can’t just trust that the spectrometer is fine, and have to verify it personally. And especially the part that likes pineapple on the pizza.”
“That’s a lot of annoying parts.”
“I like each and every one of them.” His voice drops to barely a whisper. “I like all of you, Rhi. The organized parts. The scared parts. The parts that think they’re too much. All of it.”
I can’t breathe.
Can’t think.
“I don’t know if I’m strong enough,” I whisper. “To not lose myself. To stay me while being with you.”
“You’re so fucking strong, Rhi.” He leans his forehead against mine. “And you don’t have to do it alone. If you feel yourself getting lost, tell me. If I’m asking too much, tell me. If you need space, tell me. I’ll listen. I promise. Communicate. And I’ll do the same.”
“What if I can’t tell the difference? What if I don’t realize I’m losing myself until it’s too late?”
“Then I’ll tell you.” His hands are still cradling my face like I’m something that might break. “I’ll notice. I’ll say ‘hey what’s wrong?’ Or ‘you agreed with me too easily just now, are you okay?’ I’ll pay attention. I promise.”
“You’d do that?”
“Rhi, I notice everything about you. When you scrunch your nose while thinking. You bite your lip because you’re anxious. I notice when you’re pretending to be fine but you’re actually overwhelmed.” His voice cracks slightly. “I see you. All of you. And I’m not going to let a single part disappear.”
“Even all the annoying parts?”
“Especially those. Those are my favorite parts.”
I don’t know who moves first.
Maybe we both do.
But suddenly we’re kissing, and it’s not sweet or gentle.
It’s desperate. Necessary. Like breathing after being underwater too long.
His hands slide from my face to my hair, and mine grip his shirt, pulling him closer, and I kiss him like I’m trying to say all the things I can’t put into words.
I’m sorry.I’m scared.I’m choosing this anyway.I’m choosing you.Please don’t give up on me.
