Page 104 of The Viscount and the Vixen
“You danced with him at the ball.”
She released a burst of laughter. “Indeed, and it curdled my stomach.” Fortunately he’d never met her although she’d spied him on occasion entering Sophie’s residence.
“You didn’t seem displeased by his attentions.”
“When you serve as a man’s mistress, you learn to disguise your feelings. Without the lessons I learned from Beaumont, I’d have never made it through my first day at Havisham. You’d have figured me out in a flash.
“Anyway, I was having afternoon tea with Sophie and mentioned my disappointment that someone else would raise my child, that my son or daughter would grow up away from me, and that I had no idea how often I might be allowed to visit my little one.” Clasping her hands tightly before her, she forced herself to plow through. “Sophie explained that when Beaumont said that someone would take care of my child, he didn’t mean that person would nurture andcarefor it. Rather he meant that she would kill it.”
The silence that descended over the room was nearly deafening. Portia wanted Locksley to say something, anything, but she quite understood his inability to speak. After Sophie had hit her with the truth, she’d stared at her teacup for long minutes striving to deal with the horrendous reality of her child’s future.
“He had a mistress before you, you know?” Sophie had said.
She hadn’t known.
“She lived in the same residence as you. I came to know her rather well. She, too, got with child and he farmed out the babe. He took the bairn from her within minutes of her giving birth, when she was too weak to stop him.”
Her heart clutched and tears welled. “That’s awful.”
“She never forgave him. When she was strong enough, she tried to find the babe. But it was too late, of course. She became so despondent that he simply cast her out.”
Portia had never felt so ill in her life. Every tender feeling she’d ever held for Beaumont had withered at his heartlessness and cruelty.
“I suppose you confronted him,” Locksley said now.
Slowly she shook her head. “No, he’d made his position clear, and I learned that he handled the babe of his mistress before me in the same manner. It was her child I described when you asked me about my fertility. Where Beaumont was concerned I decided it better to pretend ignorance until I determined a course of action. They advertise, these baby farmers. It’s usually a widow, offering to take on a sickly babe for a certain amount per week with the option of paying a larger amount and being done with it.” Looking at Locksley, she took some comfort in the horror etched on his face. “People are actually wagering on how long the child will live. Is it cheaper to pay by the week or more advantageous to hand over the higher single fee? I didn’t believe Sophie at first. No one could be so cruel as to neglect a child until it dies. But I scoured the papers for the advertisements, found a couple and while I was at it, I spied your father’s. I saw his as a way to save my child.”
“Surely you had other options.”
“I wrote my parents, telling them that I’d gotten into a bit of trouble and wanted to come back home. My father informed me that I was dead to them. Beaumont never gave me an allowance. I never thought to ask for one. He provided everything I required. So I had no coins of my own. He gave me several pieces of jewelry but he kept them in a safe, to be worn only when he saw fit. I didn’t know how to access it. I considered pawning off some of his possessions, but I feared I’d find myself charged with being a thief. A man who had no qualms about killing his own child would surely have no regrets when it came to making his mistress suffer for disappointing him. Marriage to your father seemed my only salvation. A woman in my position is vilified. I’d have not been able to find employment, not even in service. So tell me, my lord, how was I to survive and keep my child alive?”
“There had to be another way.”
The impertinence of him thinking that she hadn’t exhausted all her options irritated her beyond reason. “Yes, well, when you think of it be sure to let me know. Meanwhile, it’s late and I’m tired. I’m going back to sleep.” She turned for the bed.
His arm whipped out. He grabbed her, hauled her up against him. The fury was still burning in his eyes, but she saw something else there, something that almost looked like unimaginable pain.
“You should have told me,” he ground out.
While the guilt surged through her because she hadn’t, she couldn’t escape the truth of where that path would have led. “What difference would it have made? I fully understand what I am: a disgrace, a loose woman with no morals. If I’d told you before we were married, would you have still married me? No? Allowed me to marry your father as I’d planned? I seriously doubt it. Given me a house, an allowance, vowed to care for me and my child anyway? Or sent me on my way? If I’d told you after we were married, would you be any happier than you are now?”
He plowed one of his hands into her hair. “I might want to throttle you less. Do you have any idea how much restraint it took on my part not to murder Beaumont on the veranda? That’s why you hesitated to go to London. You knew the truth would come out.”
“I knew there was a chance. I prayed my secret would remain hidden, but it seems of late my prayers are not being answered.” Which meant in all likelihood, she would give birth to a son.
“You could have warned me before we went to London.”
Only she’d known she’d lose him. She’d wanted to hold on to him a bit longer. She shook her head as tears burned her eyes. “I couldn’t. I knew the truth would cause you to hate me and I’d made the ghastly mistake of falling in love with you.”
He gave a caustic laugh. “You seem to fall quite easily.”
Anger fissured through her. “I will not stand here and suffer through your unkind regard.”
She made to move past him, but he grabbed her arm, swung her around to face him. “I was raised by a man who gave his heart only once. You gave yours to Beaumont. You think that feeling the same for me is some sort of honor when I know what a scapegrace he is?”
Had his pride been pricked? Or was it that he didn’t believe her? Why should he believe her after all the lies she’d told him? “What I feel for you, I never felt for him. Not this intense, not this huge, not this terrifying. I would give anything for this child to be yours. The one thing that I don’t regret about the past two years is that it provided me with the opportunity to come to know you.”
“Damn you, Portia. Damn you for getting under my skin, for burrowing so deeply that the very thought of extricating you makes me even angrier.”
