Page 63 of An Affair with a Notorious Heiress
She turned her head to look at him. “That she was beautiful?”
“That she was a child. To be honest, I can’t see myself with any of these debutantes. They have no life experience. They’re all innocent and naïve and... they’re not women.” But she was a woman. She wasn’t innocent. She had experience. A great deal of experience.
“Why the footman?” he heard himself ask. It was ridiculous to be envious of a servant, and yet he was. Outlandishly so.
She looked back out the window. “I was lonely. And he was kind.”
He wanted to ask in what manner, what had he done precisely. Because Rexton would duplicate it. Whatever she required, whatever she needed. Again, ludicrous thoughts as he wasn’t going to emulate the actions of another man. He’d never felt the need to imitate. “Kind in what way precisely?”
Damn it! Why couldn’t he let it go?
He heard a short burst of harsh laughter.
“It’s difficult to describe. You’re accustomed to servants showing you deference. Ours had little ways of implying—with tones or the upturning of a nose or questioning a request—that I wasn’t quite up to snuff. I was American. What did I know about what was right and proper?”
“You should have sacked the lot of them.”
She turned back to him and as they passed a streetlamp, the light caught her small, sad smile. “I wasn’t allowed to. Downie’s mother, the dowager countess, was still in charge. She lived with us. The day after we were married, she was waiting for me at breakfast, determined to ensure I had done my duty the night before. I suppose she was going to deny me sustenance if I hadn’t admitted to enduring the unpleasantness in the bedchamber without complaint.”
“Was it unpleasant?” While he’d never taken a virgin, he knew discomfort, possibly pain, could be involved.
“Not overly much. I was inexperienced. My mother had told me nothing. All I knew about the act of breeding I learned watching horses, so I was a bit nervous. I suppose all brides are. Anyway, his mother informed me I was to see to my duty posthaste and deliver a son to my husband. A daughter would not be tolerated. I was to produce boys. Only boys until we had an heir and a spare. Then perhaps a daughter would be welcomed.”
He tried not to read things into what she hadn’t said. It wasn’t his place to pry but he did wonder if Landsdowne had been patient, gentle. Still he let the topic return to what she was willing to discuss. “We do seem obsessed with gaining our heirs,” he said quietly. “Although I don’t think my father would have objected if Grace had been born first.”
“But I wasn’t married to your father. And it’s a bit difficult to get with child when your husband leaves you at the country estate for long stretches.”
“Leaves you? You mean alone?”
“With his dragon of a mother. He had matters to see to. I never learned her name.”
Downie had been having an affair? Why the bloody hell would he do that when he had Tillie? She said she’d been lonely, the servant kind. Christ, Rexton would not have left her for a single night, a single hour. He certainly wouldn’t have gone to another’s bed. “Did you love him?”
“I thought I did. I wanted to. I wanted to marry for more than a title. Perhaps I was merely in love with the idea of being in love. I look at Gina sometimes... and have difficulty believing I was ever that young. Six years separate us, but there are times when it seems we are separated by a century.” She released a bitter laugh, looked back out the window. “Only a little while ago, I said I wouldn’t discuss him and now I’ve gone on and on.”
He was torn between being grateful at having a clearer understanding of what her life might have been—the reasons behind her decisions—and wishing he’d remained in blessed ignorance. He didn’t like thinking of her being unappreciated. “He was undeserving of you.”
“His mother and sister thought he deserved better than me. His sister treated me as atrociously as his mother did. My dowry helped her become the Countess of Blanford. Would the earl have given her the time of day if Downie hadn’t used a portion of what I brought to the marriage forherdowry? Yet she never had a kind word. When she discovered me with the footman—the look on her face. It wasn’t horror but triumph because she knew she would be rid of me. And I was glad of it.” Her gaze once more landed on him, and he felt the weight, the intensity, of it. “What of you? Surely not all your relationships ended happily?”
“I have nothing to rival what you experienced.” But she’d been open with him, more open than he suspected she’d ever been where he was concerned. “There was a girl. Her name was Emmaline. She sold flowers near the school. I was fifteen and fancied myself in love. She stepped out with me one evening. Lifted her skirts for me.” Now he was the one to glance out the window. They were nearly to Landsdowne Court.
“She was your first,” Tillie said quietly.
“No, actually. She would have been but the lad with whom she was living showed up with some of his mates. Because I was all agog at what she was offering, I didn’t notice them until it was too late. They beat the bloody hell out of me, took everything of value, stripped me bare. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get about the city when you’re not wearing a stitch of clothing?”
“Whatever did you do?”
Looking at her, he was glad to hear the interest in her voice, the underlying shimmer of laughter she refrained from releasing. He hadn’t wanted to end the night with her melancholy, thinking of her past. He shouldn’t have asked about her marriage, the footman, or Downie. He wouldn’t again.
“Hid within some bushes until it was full dark. Then cautiously began making my way back to school. Stole a blanket from somewhere, some trousers that were too large from someone’s clothesline. I never saw her again. She no doubt saw me as an easy mark. I should have known better, considering my mother’s past.”
“What if the lad hurt her for carrying on with you?”
He shook his head. “No, she was laughing too much for that and I overheard him praising her ingenuity as his boys pummeled me.” He leaned forward. “But I learned that I can’t judge other people based on someone else’s actions. The next time I fancied myself in love with a girl, she provided more pleasant memories.”
“Fancy yourself in love a lot, do you?”
He grinned. “When I was younger, yes. But with age has come more discerning tastes, at least where my heart is concerned.”
