Page 86 of The Duke and the Lady in Red
“Do I?” He doubted that he knew them all.
“The ones that matter.”
In part, due to Harry’s writings, he knew far more than she probably realized. It did seem only fair that he reveal some of his, but he had harbored them for so long that it was difficult to share them now, even with her. Yet if he were going to share them with anyone, it should be she. He was coming to care for her, more than was wise, more than he’d thought possible. He’d always kept himself divorced from his feelings, because he’d learned early on that they couldn’t be trusted. As much as he wanted to trust her, he couldn’t. Not completely, but perhaps enough that he could unburden himself somewhat.
She waited patiently, quietly, as though she knew exactly how difficult it was to bare his secrets. He reached for another flower and found instead her fingers threading through his, holding firmly, providing strength, her blue eyes searching. He cleared his throat and began.
“Memories of my youth are tattered, blurred at the edges. I don’t remember how it came to be, but we were staying with Sir William—he wasn’t Sir William at the time; he was simply Dr. Graves—when word came that my father died in a fire. Mother didn’t cry when she told me but there was this sense of relief. I remember that most. Graves was with her, holding her. I believe he and my mother were lovers. I was too young at the time to make that assumption. It was only as I got older, came to understand what passed between men and women, that I could look back on that time and speculate why he was always about.”
“You think they arranged for his death so they might be together?”
“I know it sounds preposterous. It’s the reason I’ve never spoken of it. At the time I didn’t quite understand death. I knew only that I would not see my father again, because he’d gone to heaven. But I did see him. Three years later.”
Her eyes widened. “You mean you saw his ghost?”
He shook his head, tucking away the little tidbit that she believed in things such as that. “No, he was flesh and blood and very much alive. He kept to the shadows: at the park, the zoological gardens. One night I awoke to find him at the foot of my bed.”
“You must have been terrified.”
“Strangely I wasn’t. I’d begun to think of him as the shadow man, because I couldn’t see his features clearly. That night he told me that my mother and her lover had tried to be rid of him, but he wasn’t so easily gotten rid of. He would make them pay. None of it made sense to me at the time as I didn’t know what a lover was or where he’d been. He also told me he was there to protect me, that my mother didn’t love me, but wished me ill. I was to tell no one. But I’d drawn pictures of him. My mother saw them. One afternoon she took me to Lovingdon’s and ordered me to stay the night. But when it grew dark, I ran home. I saw her strike him down with a fireplace poker. He didn’t get up.”
“Did she see you?”
“No. I was hidden away in the shadows of the terrace. For hours I made no sound. My tears fell in silence. I might have even fallen asleep. I can only recall snippets of the night. Graves was there. So was Inspector Swindler of Scotland Yard. I thought she would be arrested, but she wasn’t. Eventually I ran back to Lovingdon’s. My mother came for me and acted as though there was no blood on her hands. I thought there would be another funeral. But there wasn’t. Nothing was ever said.”
Leaning toward him, she cradled his face. “And she married Graves?”
Taking her hand from his cheek, he traced the lines along her palm. It was easier to speak with a distraction. “Shortly afterward. Sometimes she would look at me, and I saw the guilt. And I wondered when she would kill me, too.”
Shock tightened her features. “You can’t truly have believed your mother would harm you.”
“I was a child. His words, her actions haunted me. I lived in fear until I went off to school. Even then I wasn’t completely certain I was safe. I kept to myself, trusted few. Over time, it became a habit. Which is why, I suppose, I didn’t quite trust you in the beginning.”
“But you trust me now.”
“Not entirely.”
Her mouth formed a little moue of displeasure and he wanted to kiss it away. Why was it, no matter what she did, he wanted to kiss her? He slid toward her until his hip touched hers, until his arm crossed over her lap, pressing his palm to the firm ground, and he was able to balance himself so he had one hand free to cradle her face. “Should I trust you?”
She gave him a self-deprecating smile. “Probably not, but you should talk to your mother about that night. Perhaps there’s an explanation for all it.”
“Do you think she would feel better knowing what I saw?”
“I think she would feel better if you were more a part of her life. And I think you would benefit from knowing the truth.”
But what if it was worse than he’d ever imagined? “I’ve let it go on for too long. No good would come of it.”
“I’d not have thought you a coward.”
Her words served as a punch to the gut; the challenge in her eyes nearly felled him. “Careful. You don’t want to make an enemy of me.”
“I know that well enough.” With her fingers, she gently feathered the hair back from his brow. “Go to dinner.”
He wasn’t half tempted, only he wanted her at his side, but one didn’t bring his paramour, especially one who skirted the law, to his mother’s dining table. Although it wasn’t as though his mother’s friends hadn’t done a bit of skirting themselves. Still, the dinner party wasn’t where he should begin reconciliation. “There will be time to make amends later.”
Weary of revisiting the past, wanting to be ensconced in the present where passion loomed, he covered her mouth with his. An image of the future flitted through his mind, and he saw her there, strolling over his land, his children tugging at her skirts. All the responsibilities and duties that she didn’t want.
She had agreed to stay with him for as long as he wanted, but already he regretted the bargain, because he was discovering that he didn’t want her with him unless it was where she wished to be. And she had already told him that it wasn’t. The carefree life she craved would not be found at his side. Unfortunately, he wouldn’t be unselfish enough to let her go.
