Page 40 of The White Rider
“I want to know the story about the chicken and the squirrel.”
Aeron and Dice both scowled at Leif, and Asher started laughing.
“I’ll tell you. So, this black-eyed mother fucker over here tells these two he needed a chicken and a squirrel to figure out this plague a long time ago,” Asher said. “To this day, we don’t know if he actually needed them or if he was just fucking with Aeron and Dice for breaking his shit again. Death and War are super effective against people, but when everyone in the village we were in found them ranting at chickens and a tree, they thought demons had possessed them. The entire village came out swinging pitchforks and were ready to cart them off to the local asylum.”
I started laughing. Leif was grinning proudly, and I thought Asher was about to lose it.
“Why didn’t you just set a trap if we are eating squirrel for dinner?”
“Because Leif said he needed it right then, and I didn’t think we could wait on a trap!” Dice said. “Those little fuckers are evil. They are spiteful little shit goblins.”
“At least they aren’t aggressive like chickens!” Aeron said. “Theyknowthey are descended from dinosaurs and only want to fuck everyone up. Leif totally did that on purpose, even if he won’t admit it.”
“IfI did it on purpose, then you two had it coming. You are worse than children when it comes to fistfights.”
“Leif is right,” Asher said. “If he set you up to go to battle with chickens and squirrels and embarrassed you in front of the entire village, then you earned that. You’d do well to remember he’s much smarter than you, and the next time you push him to his limits, he can plot much worse than small animals.”
Aeron cut his eyes to Leif.
“If you embarrass me in front of Ariel, I’ll never forgive you.”
“Then quit being a spiteful little shit goblin like Dice’s squirrel, and I won’t have to.”
Dice pointed his spoon at Aeron.
“If that was some Pestilence revenge, we walked right into it. If the little shit wants to do something like that again, we'll have no way of knowing if he really needs something to cure a plague or if he’s just mad about his stuff again. If we can get along about Speedy, we can probably not beat each other up over petty shit too.”
“Beating your ass is the highlight of my week sometimes,” Aeron grumped.
“Oh, please. I hand you your ass every time. My point being, we don’t need to beat each other up for shits and giggles anymore. Why bother when we have a girlfriend? When we fight, it pisses Leif off and irritates Asher. How do you think our woman is going to react?”
“She’s going to beat the shit out of both of you with Smurfette,” Leif said.
I nodded to confirm it, because that was totally what would happen, especially if their fighting upset Leif.
“After I smacked you upside the head with my bat, I’d go plot with Leif to bring more chickens and squirrels into your life. Don’t fuck with me. I’m a petty little asshole when I want to be. I’d beat your ass, then go all passive-aggressive, too.”
Aeron threw back his head and laughed.
“Fine. I call a truce because I know if Speedy and Leif get together, we’re all fucked.”
“It’s about damn time!” Leif said, throwing up his hands. “You two have been assaulting my shit in this feud for millennia.”
“You haven’t broken anything of mine. You just annoy the shit out of me with that crap,” Asher said.
“We should get to bed,” Leif said. “We still don’t have a plan to get into the White House.”
“I do, but Aeron is going to need convincing,” Asher said. “Leif too, probably. I’m not all that convinced Dice won’t try to kick my ass either.”
I had a feeling I knew where this was going, and I agreed with it. It was literally the only way we could get inside without me potentially getting shot. If we got even remotely close to the White House and they saw me in bloody riot gear, they’d definitely start shooting.
“I’m on board, but doesn’t he know your faces?”
“That’s the beauty of it. We know his because he was a public figure before all this. I personally don’t think you got kidnapped because of Aeron or Leif. Isaiah kidnapped you and took you to that lab because he was ready to make his move. Aeron and Leif know enough about computers from Dice that he wouldn’t have been able to read those conversations. Isaiah would have been tracking you and then realized that you had plans to cross the border. Someone would have been there, watching you.
“He has no way of knowing our faces. If he did, you can bet your ass he’d be distributing sketches of us, and I wouldn’t be camped out right under their noses. Think about it. We walked straight up to that church, and they all thought we were their friends. Those Bubbas, they trust me. If I say I captured Isaiah’s daughter from the terrorists, they’ll let us right in.”
Leif just shook his head.
