Page 39 of Winners, Losers, and Champagne Kisses
“So, I rarely appeared to humans back in the day and in the modern era, most people wouldn’t believe me, but I’d like to make a personal appearance to a certain two humans Jeqon said he threw in a dog kennel. You can do what you like to them after that,” Yahweh said, his eyes sparkling with mischief.
I started giggling. Oh, that was perfect. Hannibal and Saul probably doubted their life choices in that dog kennel, but I had a feeling they were doing their best to justify everything. I had no idea what Yahweh was going to say, but based on the look on his face, he had a Benji-level plot going on.
And I was here for it.
“Dude, make it hurt because I am when I kill them after,” Benji said.
“Hold on, I have to look the part.”
Yahweh waved his hand over himself and kind of shapeshifted. His face was still the same, but he had flowing white locks, a long beard, and was dressed in white and gold robes. He was also glowing. Yeah, he went old school for this.
“So, there are two humans in that barn across the backyard. If you can portal, I suggest you do so.”
He disappeared in a clap of light. We followed, but we made sure to keep to the shadows of the barn so Hannibal and Saul couldn’t see us. We couldn’t see them either because Yahweh was practically a pillar of blinding light. I knew gods could magnify their voices because I’d spent so much time around them.
“You have displeased the Lord, your Father!” he boomed.
Damn. He was shaking the walls of the barns. I was trying not to laugh because I’d spent enough time around him to know he wasn’t like this at all. Saul and Hannibal started babbling and blaming literally everyone. They fell back on the old demon excuse again.
“We were fooled by demons pretending to be angels! It wasn’t our fault. We’re the real victims!” Hannibal cried.
Whatever Benji had planned for him, I hoped it was graphic and painful
“You’re the worst kind of sinner. You took my name in vain by hurting innocents and claiming you were doing my work. I rebuke you and you will not be allowed in my home,” he said, disappearing.
Oh, fuck. We knew how the afterlife worked and they didn’t. We also knew he wanted to fix his. You ended up where you thought you should go. These two definitely thought they should end up in paradise, so that would be where they ended up when they died.
But if the God in charge of that afterlife showed up and told you that you were going to the bad place, that might be the nail in the coffin as to where you ended up. Damn. That was brutal. Saul and Hannibal were both begging him to come back and absolve them, but he was out front dealing with his monkeys.
Benji and Cas were already naked, so they both shifted and stepped out of the shadows. Pax, Dionysus, and I joined them. Hannibal didn’t recognize Benji and Cas when they were shifted because he ran when they’d attacked New Eden. Saul only knew who Dionysus, and I were, but there was one person in particular that Hannibal knew right away and he was not happy.
“You!” he yelled. “All of this is your fault.”
“Actually, it’s not, cupcake,” Pax said. “You had plenty of data at your disposal that you were dealing with lies that you chose to ignore. Everything that has happened to you right down to thisdog kennel is no more than what you did to countless people like me. You’re going to feel every bit of torture you put us through for all of eternity because the Father kicked you out of paradise.”
“No. I don’t accept that. You bring him back here so I can negotiate,” Saul said.
“Gods don’t negotiate,” Dionysus said. “We rarely change our minds, either. There’s a shitty first impression and then there’s what you did. I just visited Hell for the first time. Zero out of ten stars. Do not recommend.”
“I’d be more worried about the immediate problem,” I said. “The shadow wolf marked you for death for starving me in the basement of New Eden Asylum long before he tricked you into drinking a laxative and giving yourself diarrhea.”
“Itoldyou that you were being fucked with. You ruined an expensive couchandyou shit in my car!” Saul yelled.
And that was hilarious, but Benji was terrifying when he was shifted and he had every intention of killing them both. Dionysus let out a loud yawn and snapped his fingers. Saul and Hannibal were out of the dog kennel and tied to the posts in the barn.
“Now, my mate confided in me that making people shit themselves is one of his favorite things. You can’t tell because he’s shifted, but I can feel how much he enjoyed hearing about all the poop mishaps that ruined your stuff. But he vowed to kill you for hurting his other mate and he’s the creative one of this group, so this is going to be the best movie we’ve watched all year.”
“No, wait!” Saul yelled.
Benji pounced. He was pretty quick with Saul. Saul was a bloodied lump that was just being held together with the bindings Dionysus used. Hannibal turned his head and vomited because he had little bits of Saul spattered all over him. I didn’t think it was going to be that quick for Hannibal.
Dionysus had conjured us chairs and Cas some clothes, so we were just enjoying the show. Something was wrong. Hannibal was begging, but Benji was pacing and letting out little wolf whines of distress. He finally shifted back, marched straight over to me, and offered me his hand.
“No one puts Baby in the corner.”
Patrick Swayze wasn’t covered in gory bits of politician when he said that to Jennifer Grey, but I took his hand anyway and let him lead me over to Hannibal.
“You might need this more than me. Do you want to kill him?”
