Page 10 of Time Traveling Space Bastards
“Enix accessed the wrong data on this planet and she tried to hit him.”
“No, you’re a woman,” I said. “If a man said telling a woman to calm down is what you do when they are angry, does that fly on your planet?”
“I think it’s universal in every planet that you cut that man’s balls off. Or the appropriate appendage if they aren’t as easily accessible.”
“Thank you! I think we’re going to be best friends even when I’m not drunk.”
“We need to feed you,” Torrek said. “If you’re similar to Kuka, then eating will sober you up and I can hear your stomach.”
“The donuts are on the way, but I believe you promised me food from your planet, big guy.”
“Yes, but if it’s bugs, don’t tell me until after I’ve eaten it.”
“No fancy palace food. We’re doing kebabs and pepper tacos,” Omi said.
“I love that tacos exist outside of this galaxy,” I moaned.
“We call them something else, but the closest word in your language is taco,” Enix said.
“Sign me up. Ah, shit,” I said as my phone went off. “Donuts.”
“I’ll go with you,” Enix said. “It’s the easiest for me to pass as human and someone is going to kill you in a few days.”
Well, fuck. That instantly sobered me up.
Torrek was better at this bodyguard stuff. My owner didn’t want me programmed with any knowledge of fighting. He wanted me docile if anyone got rough with me. I didn’t knowhowto fight back, but I usually did because I didn’t like it. That usually led to me being factory reset again.
While we were waiting for Big Daddy to be built, Torrek taught Kuka and me how to fight. I was better at it than I was before. I was pretty sure I could take on a human. I was pretty indestructible and I couldn’t be recycled here.
I was highly suspicious of this man bringing donuts. This time of the morning wasn’t really safe in certain areas of my planet and her neighborhood looked similar to some of those areas, just a little bit nicer. What if he was bringing donuts and crime?
“Hey, sorry, thank you so much for coming out at this time.”
“Thanks for the super generous tip.”
I scanned him. He had a weapon on him and that made him dangerous. I stepped between Baxter and the man with the donuts. I wasn’t a Saki, so it would probably be way less impressive if I growled at him.
“Are you intending to hurt this woman?” I demanded.
“What the fuck?” Baxter asked. “He’s bringing donuts.”
“He’s got a weapon.”
“Yeah, that I can legally carry in case someone tries to hurtmewhen I’m delivering food.”
“Seems suspicious,” I said, leaning in. I wished I could scent him like Torrek could. “I don’t like the look of you.”
“Brooo,” she slurred. “You’re going to get me banned from getting food delivered. Delivery drivers get robbed all the time and sometimes they deliver to paranoid recluses that shoot at them for pulling into their driveway by mistake. It would be weird if he didn’t have at least pepper spray.”
“Fine. You can proceed.”
“Sorry about that. He’s a cyborg and doesn’t understand human customs, much less American ones.”
Wow, she just said that after everything she went through talking about us.
“No worries. My buddy also gets total asshole-caveman protective with his girlfriend when he’s drunk. At least he’s not drunk enough to assault me.”
I wasn’t drunk. I didn’t even know what that felt like, but I’d been around it enough to know she’d had a little too much. Still, I didn’t want a repeat of her past. We couldn’t go back and change it. Time was a weird thing. She only wrote our holy texts because of us. We didn’t know that until we did it. If we changed things so her past was less traumatic, she never would have written them and it would change everything on our planet and maybe not in a good way.
