Page 12 of Time Traveling Space Bastards
“You don’t think my ass is too big?” I asked.
Now, Kuka was growling at me and looking at me a certain way.
“You have the ideal body on our planet.”
“Seriously. It’s considered a sign of status,” Omi said. “No one makes fun of people if they don’t have your body type, but it’s considered a sign of wealth. It means you can afford food.It didn’t use to be like that, but in certain areas, people are starving.”
“Okay, so this food is amazing and the more I eat, the more I’m going to sober up. You’re going to have to tell me about your planet and what you actually need from me. But first, Enix has to tell me how much he likes food.”
Enix’s cheeks were stuffed like a chipmunk and he had meat grease dribbling down his chin. I’d give it to their 3D printer. I couldn’t tell this wasn’t cut off of an animal and immediately cooked. Enix was adorable. I mean, they designed him to be physically perfect and I guess, close to humans. Which was weird because I designed my Enix after the man by my pool and then they designed their cyborgs after my smutty books.
Time was weird.
“Don’t try to speak,” Kuka said. “Focus on chewing.”
I could tell from that blissful look on his face that he loved it. I probably had that same look on my face the first time I tried a donut burger for the first time. It was excellent. I still didn’t know what animal the kebabs came from and I wasn’t sure I wanted to, but it tasted similar to lamb.
“Are you sober enough to hear why we came? Is your stomach finally settled?” Torrek asked.
“I think so. Also, this food banging. If it comes from something cute like a tribble, don’t tell me.”
“I have no idea what a tribble is, but the kebab is made from Dotu. They are very ugly and dumb as rocks.”
“Okay, then I don’t feel bad about seconds. I don’t particularly understand the mechanics of time travel, but your planet based their society after my book, which I couldn’t have written if you didn’t crash in my pool and fuck up my life. I cancompletelyget why a society built on self-insert alien smut might be fucked up, but I need you to explain what you need me to do.”
“We don’t know. This became alotmore complicated when we realized you only wrote the holy texts because we showed up when you were a child and when we came back two hours later, you were now an adult,” Torrek said.
“Maybe start with the history of your planet? My books are written in English, but you had to have Enix program your chip to speak and understand it. How does that work exactly?”
“Your galaxy and ours aren’t the only galaxies out there. You don’t have the capability to discover ours yet, but another did, seven thousand years ago. It was an entire fleet who was unhappy with their current government and they were packed with many different races.
“When they found our galaxy and realized some of the planets were hospitable, each fleet took a planet as they’d been traveling for a long time and had bonded. From what our history has told us, they didn’t want anything about their new home to be like the old one. They were refugees from many different planets with different cultures. They weren’t run the same, either.
“These were desperate people looking for a home and the only things living on these planets were flora and fauna. It hadn’t evolved into anything like us yet.
“Most of the planets were empty, but some had natural formations they attributed to a divine being, so they made a religion and let that dictate how they ran their planet. Others went by logic because they came from a planet with a religious heavy hand.
“Ours was different. Someone had been there before, but no one could figure out who. There was a device there with no power, but once they figured out how to turn it on, there were four texts.
“Everyone started focusing on building shelter and finding food, but there was one linguistics expert on that fleet. Theydecided to come together and build his shelter while he tried to figure out what the words on the device meant.
“That’s where things got confusing. They went by different names, but the texts described two of the main races on the fleet two a T. It was mine and the Saki. There was no way anyone could have known about us in this galaxy. If the people they were running from had found it, then they would have plundered it for resources if they kept it a secret and the planets were untouched.
“The only other galaxy anyone was aware of at the time was this one, but it was so far behind theirs. They were living in rudimentary houses and using fire for light because they hadn’t figured out how to harness their sun for power. They didn’t have the means to travel the stars, so they went with the prophet,” Kuka said.
“They did everything after the texts. The linguist developed a new language and everyone was keen on learning it. It combined the languages of the different races on the planet with the language in the texts so they could completely leave their old lives behind. The linguist then translated the holy texts into the new language and that’s all anyone reads it in. The original texts are preserved and only certain scholars have access.”
“Weird,” I said. “I always wanted to have my books translated to other languages, but they don’t even sell in English, so I can’t afford it. And I can’t even put on the landing page for more sales because no one would believe me. Those books were pretty smutty. What did they think all the foursomes were about?”
Because I had questions. I was a pretty healthy, very horny twenty-two-year-old when I started writing those books. I didn’t get to have the usual high school experience where I got to experiment with bases and lose my virginity in the back of someone’s mom’s car. I had to get all that out of my system after I left. Plus, I was naturally curious and I also read a lot of smut.
I think people were of three minds when it came to aliens. You had the folks who wanted to experiment on them, the ones who wanted to blow them up as soon as they saw them, and then you had the romance community. We wanted to know if you could fuck them. I wroteallabout what I thought that would be like in multiple positions with several of them at once. I still didn’t get where they got holy prophet from my self-insert character getting double penetrated while giving head.
“Our ancestors took that to mean we shouldn’t repress ourselves and shouldn’t judge what goes on between consenting adults behind closed doors,” Kuka said.
“Really? Because mine would have burned my book and then burnedmeas a witch or heretic,” I snorted. “There are still peoplethis yearwho’d want to do that if they found my books.”
“The sex parts were my favorite and my mom was always really mad about that,” Omi said.
