Page 18 of Time Traveling Space Bastards
“Bathroom is the first door on the right. I had a bidet installed, so just turn the knob and it will wash you off. The shit goes in the bowl. If I find it in my bathtub, I’m going to be mad.”
“I’ll access the data,” Enix said, running out of my living room.
“Okay, that’s adorable,” Omi said.
“My bathroom better be adorable when he’s done with it.”
“It will. The Enix are generally very clean, but ours is especially so. Did you know that he knows how to fold fitted sheets?” Torrek said.
“No, because that’s witchcraft. No one knows how to fold those. You ball them up and shove them in the closet like the gods intended.”
Kuka giggled.
“Enix finds that offensive. He takes them out and folds them.”
“He’d better not look in the hall closet then.”
Enix eventually joined us again. He looked visibly shaken.
“That was terrible. I feel violated. The fact that billions of people across multiple galaxies have to go through that is awful.”
“Someone came into the bookstore one day and wanted a copy ofEveryone Poopsfor her kid. I thought Kevin’s brain was going to explode. I could ask him again for shits and giggles when I eventually quit if you want to read it.”
“You’ll get used to it,” Torrek said, clapping Enix on the back. “Sometimes, it’s even enjoyable.”
Enix just shuddered.
“I don’t want to talk about it anymore.”
“If you want to enjoy food, you’re going to have to deal with it,” Omi said.
“I know. And I don’t plan to stop eating. I just don’t want to think about what happens after.”
“I’d throw you a party if your first shit wasn’t so traumatic, but we need to be focusing on keeping Baxter alive,” Torrek said.
“I mean, can you? The only reason my grades were bad enough that college was never an option was because my parents kept yanking me out of school to throw me in the hospital. I understood it as soon as I caught up. If you don’t see the news stories that I die, you have no reason to show up two days before I get murdered to try to stop it. It’s a big, giant, timey-wimey fuck you to me.”
“Is she right?” Torrek asked. “I can fight anything but time. I didn’t come all this way just for the final text. She doesn’t deserve that.”
“She’s right, but I’m going to figure it out. Baxter, you don’t know me very well, but they do. I can save your life and it’ll all work out.”
I gave him a look because it sounded like he wanted to have a cage fight with time. He might have figured out time travel and I couldn’t even fathom how Kuka did that, but if one version of him saved my life, then another had no reason to show up and warn me.
“He’ll do it,” Enix said. “Kuka doesn’t want to be king, but he knows his brother is the wrong choice. He saved me and he’ll save you.”
“I’m not one for platitudes, but if anyone can do it, it’s Kuka. He went to university before me and he wasn’t even in the surgery program, but they let him audit the classes. They are teaching a technique he invented when he was just a student in my year.”
“Yeah, but this istime.She’s a sexy beast and you can’t tell her what to do.”
“Something tells me you have that in common,” Torrek chuckled.
I cleared my throat and excused myself for a few minutes. I was attracted to these three aliens. They were probably the only beings in this galaxy I could be myself around who didn’t think I was crazy. They knew I was telling the truth. I couldn’t get attached because once they were done here, they’d have to go back. Kuka was going to be king. They couldn’t stay here.
I didn’t want to stay here, either. What had this galaxy done for me, anyway?
Baxter came back wearing new outerwear with some kind of logo on it. I thought it looked very comfortable and wouldn’t mind bringing something like that back home as a souvenir. If it was hot or cold outside, I could just adjust my internal temperature so it didn’t bother me, but I wouldn’t mind wearing something like that when it got cold outside.
Torrek’s nostrils flared and his pupils blew out. She was completely covered and buried in big clothes, so I didn’t think he was aroused. This was some Saki thing I didn’t understand.
