Page 44 of Time Traveling Space Bastards
We needed to find out what Valtens’s big plan was, anyway. If the holy texts never made it to our planet, it would change everything. Valtens might never end up being born and our planet might never have ended up with a monarchy. He could end up poor like those people he tormented and spat on.
Except I didn’t find Baxter or Valtens and I searched everywhere. Omi was passed out, and she called me her brother. I gently placed the mask on her and gave her the antidote. Then, I asked Big Daddy to vent the gas out so Torrek and Kuka could come inside and we could find out what happened.
“Shit, did I get him?” Omi groaned.
“No, you got gassed and ended up on the floor. What happened?”
“Baxter wanted the chip since she’s coming home with us and she wants to be able to communicate. I found one and was going to put it in for her, but then Big Daddy alerted us there was someone here with us who wasn’t supposed to be. I told Baxter to stay put so I could deal with it, but then Big Daddy gassed us instead of letting me do what I was meant to do.
“I got close and thought I had him before the gas got me, but I must have hallucinated. They were wearing a mask like they knew about the gas, so it had to be Valtens. I couldn’t see his face, but the rest of him looks like this entire galaxy fucked him raw and gave him a disease that medication won’t fix.”
“Gross, Omi.”
“Seriously, get everyone in here because Valtens has her and we still don’t know what he wants with her.”
“Big Daddy, why did you release the gas when he had a mask on and there was a Saki here?” I asked.
Big Daddy just ignored me. He did that sometimes when he did what he wanted and wanted us to figure it out for ourselves. Most of the time, it ended up being a good thing.
I didn’t see a single good thing in this.
Iwoke up tied to a hard chair and my mouth tasted like I ate three-day-old roadkill. I vaguely remembered gas filling up the med bay in Big Daddy but I didn’t remember much after that. I didn’t know where I was, but I was pretty sure I was about to meet the infamous Valtens.
“Oh, bro, Torrek is going to fucking eat you,” I groaned.
“Your mouth was always my least favorite thing about you.”
I cracked my eyes open and fucking Kevin was sitting across from me. My miserable, cunt of a boss who constantly threatened to fire me, but never did because FedEx wouldn’t deal with him anymore if books came in damaged and the last time he managed the shop’s social media by himself, he got a bunch of one star reviews calling him a bigot.
Kevin’s eyes weren’t brown anymore, either. They were snake eyes like Kuka. Fuck! That was why I hadn’t seen anyone with Kuka’s eyes. It was even me that told them they could go outon the street and their eyes could be explained away by special effects contacts.
That went both ways. They also could have bought dark-colored contacts and made their eyes look human. Which is apparently what Kevin had done. Or Valtens. Sorry, he was still Kevin, the spooge to me.
“So, the brat prince of your planet is actually here on Earth poorly running a bookstore? How the fuck did that happen? By the way, you looked like shit when I thought you were a human named Kevin, but you look even worse now that I’ve seen your brother naked.”
“Well, I got stuck, didn’t I? I had to build the perfect trap for when you ended up in this shit-hole. I had to wait for you to write the holy texts and all I needed was for you to write the last one before you got murdered and you couldn’t even manage to do that.”
“I knew it! You refused to carry my books, but Iknewyou read them. Suck my ass!”
He rolled his eyes.
“Yes, by now, you’re aware everyone on my planet has read your books. You’re insufferable.”
“And you always smell like BO and corn chips. We all have our flaws.”
“You should probably shut that mouth while I have you at my mercy.”
I shrugged.
“Kuka will leave your ass here if you hurt me.”
“Who says I need my pretentious brother to get home? I just need his machine.”
I fell out laughing and Valtens looked like he wanted to strangle me. He hesitated because I was guessing he knew his brother and I had a very good reason for hyena laughing while tied to a chair.
“Kuka’s time machine is sentient. You hurt anyone who came here in that shiporme, it will just refuse to take you back. What was the big plan, anyway? You kill me and make sure my books don’t end up on your planet, then you change the past. You might end up never being born and if you are, you might be a nobody instead of royalty.”
“Iknow.I figured that out after being stuck here a few years.”
