Page 26 of Time Traveling Space Bastards
Baxter set her finger on the key and let Big Daddy scan her.
“Big Mommy accepted. Press my buttons.”
Ew.
“So, tell him where you want to go and try to be specific. He’ll need details about Owen to be able to access information and locate him.”
She didn’t even give any salacious details about Owen, and I still wanted to kill him.
This was the coolest thing that had ever happened to me. I had a deathly hot alien nerd pressed so close to my back, you couldn’t even fit a piece of tissue between us, and he was teaching me to fly his time machine. I thought the time I was dating a fellowThunder Cuntfan, and he took me to one of their concerts was the best thing that ever happened to me, but nope. This beat that.
I didn’t feel Big Daddy move. There was this weird, brief feeling like my stomach was trying to fall out of my butt, but it was over before it got really weird or I had the mortifying experience of puking on Kuka’s shoes.
“Was that it?” I asked.
“It feels a little weird, but it’s almost instantaneous. Big Daddy, where are we?”
“I don’t want to talk to you. I want to talk to Big Mommy.”
So, Kuka’s time machine was a bit of a petulant pervert, but I was down with that. It just fit with the rest of the weirdness inmy life. I felt Kuka sigh and tighten his arms around me. Should it be legal for him to smell this good?
“Can you ask Big Daddy the exact same question I just asked?”
I giggled, but I did what he asked.
“It is two weeks in the past and we are on Main Street. I pinged his cellular device to this location and set up on the side of the road away from the crowd. If you exit and walk three blocks to your left, you will find him.”
“Thanks, Big Daddy. Love you.”
“Don’t encourage him,” Torrek growled. “Are you sure these shirts are going to work?”
“Yeah. If you’ve got enough money and someone willing, you can get your body tattooed orange with stripes, buy vampire fangs that look like your canines, and get implants in your fingers that look like claws. You’ll be fine, big guy. Come see my world,” I said, pinching his butt.
“Big Daddy, scan for enemies,” Kuka said.
“You know what I want.”
Kuka let out a dramatic sigh.
“Baxter, ask the exact same thing I just asked and maybe fondle one of his buttons.”
“Is he getting off on this and jizzing black hole on this planet?”
“I am emission free and environmentally safe.”
“Awesome. Are there any bad people around?” I asked, tickling one of his buttons.
“You should be safe if you exit now, but hurry back, Big Mommy.”
Weird. I’d love to go back in time and tell twelve-year-old me that one day, I’d get away from all of that and even a sentient time machine had the hots for me. Would that cause a paradox? It was different in every movie.
“I go first,” Torrek said.
“But this is my planet and my plan!”
Omi just laughed and threw her arm around my shoulder.
“Trust me, you always want a seven-foot-tall Saki to go first. You’re under his protection now and he’d die for you.”
