Page 7 of Time Traveling Space Bastards
“Um, we don’t have cyborgs here. We’ve got computer programs called bots that are programmed to scam people and companies out of money. This tends to trip them up.”
“So, your robots are inferior, stupid, and criminal?”
“We don’t have robots like that. None of them are capable of independent thought like you. They either do what they are programmed to do, or they rearrange data that’s already out there. Some of it is being used for good things, but mostly, it’s being used to scam people and by rip-off artists. You’re quite magnificent, you know. Just click yes. They don’t mean you, even if you’re a cyborg.”
I suppose none of that should be shocking. If you knew enough, you could jail break your Enix and add all kinds of illegal programming. There was an entire black market for that. Not everyone wanted us for sex. We were platonic companions, servants, employees, and if you knew the right person, we could also be criminals.
Thankfully, Kuka and Torrek saved me from all of that. They didn’t make me do anything. They asked and if I didn’t want to do it, they were fine with that. Iwantedto be here. I wanted to meet the Devouring Mother. Her words led to the creation of my kind. There was a small part of me hoping if we could save her, she’d write the missing text and change things for the Enix.
She was quite different from what I expected, but I liked her. I got her account information from the screen and made the transfer. Her eyes got as big as saucers when she saw her bank account total now.
“Holy fuck, the three of you better make sure I don’t get murdered because I want to get to enjoy that money.”
Yeah, we needed to focus on that aspect next. We found her, told her the truth, and now we needed to keep her safe. We started all of this because we wanted to keep her safe long enough to write the last text, but it was more than that now.
She was just a twenty-eight-year-old woman. Baxter was human, but she could have been any twenty-eight-year-old female on our planet who’d been through a lot. Yeah, she tried to assault me before, but she was also kind. She could have laughed at me for not understanding.
We couldn’t go back and change her past, even with the time machine because time was complicated like that. But we could hopefully leave her with a better future.
There were usually four phases when I hit my precious bottle of illegal Everclear. I’d already passed out and hit someone, so those were out of the way. My self-insert character in my books hadallkinds of filthy sex with the aliens, but I didn’t know if that was actually possible. Rage sex was fun, but I didn’t think I could drink enough Everclear to get brave enough to jump into alien sex without passing out again.
So, I was at the stage that was generally the most helpful. I wanted to eat everything in the house. And ooh! I had four million dollars in my bank account right now. I could have four in the morning forbidden donuts and kolaches delivered. Yeah, I was doing that.
“So, in my books, you could all eat the food here. I just made that up, but if they based Enix on my books, can he eat donuts?”
“We don’t have to eat or drink. Most of us haven’t. We have a solar battery with a very long charge, so as long as we spend a few hours in the sun, that’s really all we need. Most of ourowners don’t feed us because it’s an extra expense and we are very expensive. Unless you have a lot of Nova Credits and can afford to buy one of us to do housework, sit and talk to you, or use us for sex, most of us are put into jobs where we earn that back.
“We are given a small stipend for clothes, but it’s not enough to run away. The companion Enix aren’t really allowed to talk to the working Enix, but sometimes, they do. Most of them don’t mention how they are treated to us because they don’t want us to feel bad, but one of them told another Enix who told me that we should try food because it tastes good. Of course, that was a rumor passed down to me and I’m not sure if it’s true or not. None of us know what it will do to our hardware if we consume food.”
“What happened when you drank the Everclear?”
“I felt a little warm.”
“Yeah, it does that and then it gets you drunk. What about the rest of you? You don’t have four stomachs and eat bugs do you?”
“I just have one and I’m probably the closest genetically to a human. We’re faster with extra senses you don’t have. I’m pretty sure I can eat the food here, but Big Daddy can make food from our planet and yours if we ask.”
“Is he Big Daddy?” I asked, pointing at Torrek.
Because he just looked like a Big Daddy. I wouldn’t mind sitting in his lap and calling him that. That was probably stage three of the Everclear talking and I was getting horny, but there was just something about an alien with claws, fangs, and stripes that gave a shit about my feelings. Maybe I should deal with stage two of Everclear and eat something so I didn’t do something stupid.
“Um, that is the name of our time machine. There’s a secret door on the side to the rest of it, which is cloaked. There’s a galley with a kitchen next to the barracks.”
Damn. He still gave Big Daddy vibes.
“It’s essentially like a 3D printer that you have here. Everything is dehydrated and put into cartridges. I’m pretty sure we can replicate your food. I scanned this planet when we arrived. The atmosphere is similar to ours. We might not have the same flora and fauna, but wecould,” Enix said.
“How the fuck are you speaking English? There are people on this planet who don’t speak English. There are people whoonlyspeak English whose grasp on the language isn’t all that great.”
Because I had questions. I took Spanish in high school and was pretty decent at it, but there were some kids in my class who would have gotten the shit kicked out of them if they went to a Spanish speaking country and asked where the toilet was because they couldn’t even get that right. I didn’t speak every language on Earth and I certainly didn’t speak languages on other planets.
“Upgrade,” Torrek said, pointing behind his ear. “It’s a tiny chip. If you have an Enix, they can link to it and you can speak and understand any language. It’s helpful when you travel to other planets. They are all like this one. Different areas speak different languages.”
“Can I get one of those?”
Because seriously, that was badass and could come in handy.
“Not with your stomach making that noise,” Torrek growled. “You need to eat something.”
