Page 9 of Letters Book Two
“Momma, I messed up. I need you to point me in the right direction.” I whispered the request with my face tilted to the heavens. The rain fell on my face, disguising the tears that were competing with the sky’s. “Lachen? Are you here? Is Momma with you? Are you two finally together?” I stopped mumbling for a moment and listened to the waves, hoping I’d hear an answer. “I need you both. Can’t you help your son?” A sob escaped my mouth as I realized I was all alone. Again, and still. Looking to the tree line that was fifty yards from the beach, I saw the mysterious man again. He raised his arm before taking a step into the trees and disappearing.
CHAPTER ELEVEN: Perry
Even though it was nice to be here, the house felt empty of joy. I stood silent at the top of the grand staircase and gazed across the massive foyer. I watched as staff were busy erasing Christmas from the house, nine months after the actual event. After Jack died, I hadn’t remembered to ask Melanie to remove all vestiges of mine and Jack’s visit during the Christmas holiday. She must have figured that I wanted the decorations left up as a tribute to Jack. I was holed up in the city for four months, falling apart. I hadn’t been back before today, and here he was. Every decoration was Jack, he was all over the house. The house was still decked out in full holiday regalia. Jack’s touches were everywhere. I’d noticed the still decorated house yesterday, but it hadn’t affected me then. But now, it was too sad to see joy in any of it. After morning coffee in my room and a brief hello with Jeremy, my assistant, he took matters into his own hands and informed me that things would be coming down today. I’d come out of my room just a bit too early, and I now couldn’t bear watching the main rooms being stripped of the last Christmas I’d ever have with Jack.
I heard steps behind me and then arms encircled me from behind. Chad laid his head against my back as he pulled me close to him. “One day you’ll look back and smile at his talent, Perry. He had quite an attachment to Christmas, didn’t he?” Chad stepped back and turned me around to face him. “It’s ok to pack them up. Or you can leave them out if you prefer. Either way, it’s fine. There’s no wrong or right answer here.” He reached his hand to my face and wiped a tear away.
“If I put them away, it’s final.” My head hung as I agonized over the truth of my actions.
“No, it’s not. Nothing is final, Perry. Nothing. Not even death.”
“How can you say that? Death is very final. Dead is dead,” I explained, not really wanting a head-trippy speech at the moment.
He pulled my chin toward him. “Hear me out.” He cleared his throat. “If death was final, would you be agonizing over storing some decorations away? Would you be driving all over the country with Jack as your copilot?” I raised my eyes to his, curious as to where he was going with this speech. “No, you wouldn’t!” He grabbed my hands in his. “Jack will never be final.” He moved my hand to my heart. “He’s right there, Perry.” He then moved our hands to his own heart. “And here too.”
I fell into his arms and sobbed like a baby. He was right. He was always right, wasn’t he? Is this what Jack wanted? He must have known I needed help to face the pain. I knew that somehow, someway, Jack chose Chad for this task. Jack was too much of a planner to leave any detail undone. Of all the young men in the world, Jack had managed to find the exact one to do his bidding. Even from the grave, he was still the director.
Then of course, there was Lucas. He had his own grief. I was so busy in my grief, that I unfairly ignored his. He couldn’t bear mine and his both. I couldn’t bear his and mine either. Maybe that’s where we failed. But, Chad had grief too. How could he bear everyone’s?
I found my voice and whispered. “How do you do this, Chad? Better yet, why do you do this? I do nothing for you... and...” I wept, having trouble catching my breath. “You... are here when you are sad too. Helping me... I don’t understand you.”
“Because I can, that’s why. In some ways, sharing your pain helps me with my own. You need me right now and I need to be needed, Perry. I’m doing it for me... and for Jack.” He squeezed my hands tighter. “I need this. I need to help you. It’s just a feeling I get. I fell in love with you when we met. I know we aren’t meant to be lovers. In your heart, so do you. Our love is different somehow, but it’s no less important. I have to help you, to help myself. You have a promise to keep to Jack and I don’t think he trusts that you can do it on your own. I guess that’s why I’m here.”
He always knew the right things to say. “Knowing Jack, he’s right. I don’t trust myself either. I blew it in Carolina, Chad. I just truly blew it. I met a good person there and I just fucked it up.” I looked into Chad’s eyes as he listened. He always genuinely listened. Twenty years old and he’d mastered what I couldn’t. “I wasn’t listening to him, Chad, not really. I pushed too soon. I wasn’t patient even though he was in pain too. I was too busy suffering that I didn’t see his suffering.”
“And?”
“And, I want to fix it,” I admitted, a tiny smile forming.
“Then let’s do that.” He grabbed my chin and pulled my face directly to his. “I have a life of my own to fix, Mr. Jackson. I can’t be expected to work on yours forever.”
I pulled him close, hugging him tight, and whispered in his ear. “Have you asked Jack about that?”
“Of course I have. He wants me out of here as soon as I’m done. Then, we’re working on me.” We both chuckled and held onto each other. “Maybe I’m supposed to look in the South again myself.” He shrugged his shoulders and kissed my cheek. “You never know. Jack works in mysterious ways. Maybe my guy’s there too.”
Chad and I spent the rest of the day lounging by the pool. We ate a delicious dinner and I told him all about Lucas. We spoke about all the things I liked about him. How sweet and kind he is to me. What a hard worker and dedicated young man he is. And of course, how cute. We spoke of the fears I had regarding our age difference and financial inequities. He asked about Lucas’s background and family situation. I had to admit that I really had no information regarding it.
Chad’s brows furrowed. “Three months and nothing? Did he ever open up about why he was alone?” he asked, holding a hand over his wine glass, letting Michael know he’d had plenty. I suddenly realized I’d been supplying alcohol to an underaged friend in my home. I supposed because his folks did it in theirs, I assumed they wouldn’t have minded.
“I tried not to push too hard. I only ever got small bits and pieces. I know his mom died recently and he was left with a father he doesn’t see. He never told me about their falling out though.” I reached for my refilled glass of red. “He lives above a gas station. I know it sounds unusual, but if you met Lucas, you’d say it was an oddly good fit. The older gentleman that owns the station is a kind man. He took Lucas in when he was homeless.”
Chad’s face registered a sadness not there two seconds before. “He was homeless?” I noddedyes. “Did you ever stop and think that his lifestyle seems impossibly opposite of yours? Did you guys even talk about that?”
“He was very reluctant to discuss my life in New York or to visit here.”
“Jesus, Perry! Look around this place. Any wonder why? You’ve lived like this for so long that you forget how crazy this must look to a person with his limited means.” Chad looked at me in amazement, his hands displayed in front of him like,really... what the fuck?“No wonder Jack’s pissed at you. You didn’t have all this shit when you met Jack, right? You guys grew into these trappings together, right?” He wasrightandright. “You waltzed my ass in here, and yeah, I’m impressed, Perry. But I’ve seen shit like this in my young years. My dad drives quarter-million-dollar cars for fuck’s sake.” He shook his head in disgust. “I hope the fuck that you didn’t show him pics of this joint.” I looked at my hands that were fidgeting in my lap. “Jesus, Mr. Jackson. You did? What’d you expect? Poor kid.”
“Fuck! You’re right.” I felt like a schmuck. “That’s not the half of it. You can probably guess where I lived for my three months when I was in Beaufort.”
“Do not tell me some five-star penthouse, dude.” I nodded my head. “Well, that explains why your young lover panicked.” Chad folded his arms and sat staring at me, shaking his head. When did twenty-year-olds start giving life lessons?
“I fucked up, didn’t I?” I asked, reaching for a giant gulp of expensive wine.
“Uh, yeah. Big time.” Chad smiled his knowing smile. “But we can fix this.”
CHAPTER TWELVE: Lucas
Beaufort was quiet in the drizzle. We weren’t experiencing a full shower as much as a solid mist. The kind of mist that made things hazy, as well as sticking to your clothing surprisingly fast. The damp streets had sent life running for the indoors. I wanted a burger before going home, but I hadn’t been to Frosty Freeze since Perry had left town. Too many happy memories of the dates we’d shared there and the hungry nights we’d walked over for dinner from the station. I was surprised at how Perry didn’t mind eating so unhealthy. He seemed out of place at a small-town drive-in, but he seemed to enjoy the food.
