Page 77 of Missile Tow
“No,” I murmured. “That’s not true,” I insisted. “You were my fuckin’ life, John.”
He shook his head, tears streaming down his face. “No, Chip. I wasn’t. The mercantilewasandisyour life. Look at you. You’re still doing the same shit.”
His words may as well have slapped me across the face. “That’s not how I felt, though,” I resisted. “The town needed the mercantile. Folks depended on me, John.”
“Listen to yourself.”
“What?”
“You’re still on about the mercantile. What the town needed. What the people needed,” he began. “Idepended on you.Ineeded you.Ourrelationship hinged on your participation in it, Chip.”
Resignation of what I’d done swept over me. “Jesus!” I exclaimed.
I hadn’t noticed what was happening to John and me because I was blinded by my need to be a savior for the community, all the while killing my relationship.
“But what happened isn’t entirely your fault.” He placed his elbows on the table, resting his chin in his hands. “Instead of talking to you about how I felt, I went in search of something else.”
I grimaced. “You meansomeoneelse.”
“Unfortunately, yes. The first online stranger who showed me attention.”
I couldn’t believe my ears. “You just admitted your actions, like what we had meant nothing.”
“I couldn’t cheat on you, Chip, so I left,” he clarified. “And boy, did I pick a doozy of a guy.”
I held my hand to him. “Spare me the details,” I insisted. “I don’t wanna hear shit about Evan.”
“Fair enough,” he agreed. “I ruined my reputation, and what we had here, but don’t worry, I’m not staying in Missile.”
His news caught me off guard. “Why?”
“Because I never wanted to stay in Missile when we got back from college.”
“That’s not true,” I argued. “Like me, you were born here. This town is in our blood,” I reminded him. “That, and we had the store to worry about after Mom and Dad were killed and Grampa passed. We had a future here.”
“Youhad the store.Youhad your future mapped out. Not me,” he explained. “When your folks died, I knew you’d never leave. And after college, I wanted a life somewhere else. I felt stuck because of that goddamned mercantile, so, like a chickenshit, I blew our relationship up, and looked for an out.”
“So you just chose some random guy you could leave town for?” I asked, feeling seriously nauseated.
“Look, I won’t attempt to make myself look good, or make excuses, but I wanted out that bad.”
His admission stung. Stung real bad. His desire to leave town was bigger than his love for me? The truth being spoken out loud hurt almost as badly as the day he walked.
“Thanks for making me feel so awesome about what I meant to you.” I jumped up and paced back and forth while absorbing his cruelty. His experience wasn’t entirely how I remembered the love we shared. “Hearing you wanted out so badly makes me sick to my stomach. I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough for ya.”
“You’re not listening, wiseass. You weretoogood for me,” he corrected. “I understood that and then planned my escape from here. The reason I left had very little to do with you, Chip. I knew you’d never leave, so I decided to choose me over us.”
“So you said fuck Chip and our relationship and hooked up with a stranger? Am I hearing that correctly?”
“I’d like to say no, but that is exactly what went down,” he confirmed. “The rest of my life cannot be lived in this place. After a taste of Seattle, I can’t live in a town this small, so I’m outta here after Christmas and not looking back.”
What should’ve been relief over the true reason he left didn’t make me feel all that great. “We could work on being friends,you know,” I said, suddenly pained at the thought of him being gone forever. “We can try harder. You never know what might happen.”
“I’mthe one who can be better, Chip. I betrayed us and what we’d built when I should’ve simply spoken up.”
“I doubted I would’ve heard you,” I admitted, realizing both of us were trying now.
“About that,” he began, moving his head toward the bedroom. “I’m no expert on the man in your bedroom, but I did witness him from a distance while we lived in Seattle.” John paused for effect, making sure I was listening. “Van’s amazing, Chip. The way he is with people. The kindness that drips from him like honey.Shit!He even treated me with kindheartedness when I finally met him in the garage where we all lived.”
