Page 77 of Operation Rescue
He had the feeling this was important. Very important. So he held her gaze when he said, slowly, “Do you really think I wasn’t afraid? Erin, I was always afraid. All those times, I was afraid.”
“But you did what had to be done anyway. And that is the difference between you and me, Blaine. You always will, and I…can’t.”
“But you did. When it mattered most, you did what has to be done. You fought those doctors when I couldn’t, you left when you had to for your own sanity, and you set aside your feelings and called me when you had to for Ethan. That’s not cowardice, Erin. You keep saying it, but you’re not a coward. I meant what I said—bravery isn’t not being afraid. It’s saddling up and heading out anyway, because it has to be done.”
He heard her let out a long breath, and she seemed to slump a little. And he had the thought that if they were going to have this all out anyway, and it seemed they were, maybe this was the time. He’d have to work up to it, but…now or never.
“I want to ask something…about what I’ve never understood.”
She looked up then. “Go ahead.” She gave him the faintest of wry smiles. “As long as we’re digging down to the bone.”
“I would have gotten it if you’d left when I was such a wreck, but… I never understood why you left when you did. After the hard part was over.”
“I couldn’t have left when you were so hurt!” It broke from her in a burst, as if she were pointing out the obvious.
And there it was. The perfect opening for the question he’d lugged around for two years now. Yet still he hesitated.
He made himself say it.
“Then tell me. What would you have done if…if I hadn’t been able to get back on my feet? If I’d continued as broken as I was in the beginning. If I’d given up the fight and just decided to live that way?”
He saw her eyes move, away from him, but then she was meeting his gaze again. Another deep breath, and she said. “I would have stayed.”
His own breath jammed up in his chest, tightening it almost beyond bearing. This was why it had been so hard to ask. “So my getting better destroyed us? You wanted me…helpless?”
He shot to his feet. As he would not be able to do if it had happened that way.
“Blaine, no!”
“Sounds pretty clear. My getting better ended our marriage.”
He turned on his heel as sharply as if he’d been given an about-face order. And walked out, ignoring her calling his name.
He was a couple of steps into the courtyard, not really sure where he was going or what he was going to do, when he heard his son.
“Dad, watch!” Ethan yelled. “He’s amazing!”
He turned to look at boy and dog. Ethan threw the tennis ball high into the air. Cutter watched the arching sphere, dancing sideways as it started its downward trajectory, until he was in the perfect spot. When the ball reached about Blaine’s height, the dog jumped high into the air and snatched it in a perfectly judged and timed leap.
“That he is,” Blaine said, grinning at his son, letting the relief soothe and calm him again. “You keep at it. I’m going to go talk to Rafe for a minute.”
He hadn’t really planned that when he’d left the guesthouse; he’d just had to get away. Had to think, and he couldn’t do that in the same room with Erin. But now that he’d said it, it seemed like the thing to do. The guy was sane, and he’d been there. Here.
Damn, I can’t even think straight.
Rafe was typing at the keyboard of that same workstation, using Blaine’s own “two-fingered and the occasional thumb” method. Erin could put them both in the dust, as fast as she typed. He yanked his thoughts away.
Rafe looked up as he came in. “That was fast,” he said, then paused before adding, “That is, assuming you got things straightened out.”
Blaine grimaced. “Not exactly.”
He hadn’t planned this, either, but before he could stop he was explaining what had just happened.
“So if you’d been disabled for life she would have stayed, but because you weren’t, she left?” Rafe said.
“Yeah.” He shook his head slowly. “How the hell do I deal with that?”
Rafe looked thoughtful, and it was a moment before he said, “But you’ve said she’s the one who got you to that point.”
