Page 84 of The Beastly Duke's Christmas Bride
I thought it was about protection. I thought it was because he was afraid or uncertain of the future, that he didn’t know how to love. Never in my life would I think there was someone else.
Isabel gasped for air, grasping her ribs. She didn’t understand what had happened. How she could have seen that happen. There had never been any sign.
But what if there was? What if there was a sign and I missed it? Was I so occupied mooning over him that I never realized he was looking elsewhere?
Into the hall she ran and found her brother. “Thomas!”
“Go to the next room.” Thomas’s sympathetic expression steadied for only a second. “I’ll be with you in a moment. I must make sure he won’t come after you and try to hurt you again.”
He knew. He knew and he cared enough to be there for her.
Hardly holding in a sob, Isabel darted into the next room. She thought she heard her name but prayed she didn’t. She didn’t want to think about herself or anything else ever again. There was a sharpness in her chest that was slicing her all the way through, cutting her to bits.
“I can’t… I can’t…” Isabel spoke to the empty room, struggling to breathe. She leaned over the nearest chair and spotted the green pillow. The color of his eyes. A noiseless scream ripped her mouth open as she threw it across the room, making a few books fall down across the wall.
Her legs weakened. Sliding to the ground, she buried her face in her hands. She didn’t want to see the world or anyone else ever again. While part of her mind told her to pull herself together, she didn’t want to do anything that it told her to do.
I don’t want to feel this. He never loved me. He never would. Didn’t I know this? If only my heart could have listened to a single word he said. Why didn’t I listen?
Isabel wondered if she was broken, if she was meant for an unhappy life. Maybe she was meant to be miserable. Her only purpose in life could be to bring others peace, or satisfaction, or to be of some use to everyone but herself. The Bible said something about women. She never liked to listen to the good book much, but it told her to be docile and calm and quiet.
Maybe if I was better like that, this wouldn’t hurt so much.
“What a fool I am,” she told herself tearfully. “What was I thinking? To think I could ever make him feel… I was a fool. A complete fool. Nothing was ever going to be the way I wanted it to be. How many times did he tell me? I never listened. I should have listened! I should have known.”
Shuddering breaths racked Isabel’s body as she let the emotions roll over her, unable to fight them off. She gave up looking for her handkerchief as the tears fell for a short time longer.
Then they stopped. The tears always stopped eventually, leaving her damp and tired. Leaning against the back of the sofa, Isabel managed to find the strength to start taking deep breaths so she might pull herself back together again.
It hurts. It hurts awfully, but I won’t let it control me. He doesn’t get to win. This was all a terrible, awful, embarrassingmistake. But surely, I will recover. I have done it before, and I can do it again. I must.
She was measuring her breaths, slowly beginning to stand, when the door creaked open. Isabel froze until she watched it was only Thomas making his way inside to her.
Halting before her, he offered a sympathetic expression that only brought her embarrassment. “Oh, Isabel. My poor sister.”
“Please don’t. I only… I only need to collect myself.”
“Of course. Let me.” He brought out a handkerchief with his initials on it, offering it to her. “I’m awfully sorry.”
She dabbed neatly at her eyes, careful not to rub them as a lady shouldn’t. “Did you see? Did you see them?”
“I’m afraid so.” Sighing heavily, Thomas leaned against the sofa beside her. His eyes rolled up to the ceiling and she appreciated the faux privacy while she gathered herself. “If I had known what he was up to, I would never have told you to go there. What an awful ordeal.”
“It’s not that awful. It isn’t as though we… like he didn’t…” Isabel struggled to muster up a smile. When his expression didn’t change, she decidedly moved across the room to ward the mirror to inspect herself. They were still at a ball, and she couldn’t be caught as a mess. “You warned me. Even he warned me. I shouldn’t have set my expectations any higher.”
Thomas twisted away from her to roam the room. “You always did hold out hope. Do you remember those poor drowned kittens? You tried your best to revive for a day and night. Then you sneaked into the cemetery to give them proper burials. How old were you? Six?”
“Eight.” She sighed. “I nearly forgot about that. Now I can’t help but worry about Pearl.”
“Who?”
“The cat you brought me for Christmas.” Isabel looked at her reflection soberly, both sides of herself knowing how little hope she had of fixing her hair. She decided to remove the strings of pearls and began displacing them to set in her skirt pockets. “I won’t let her near water for certain. Oh, I’m a mess.”
Tsking, her brother started in her direction at last. “You’re as beautiful as ever. The crying makes your eyes look bigger. Did you know that? You’ll have all the ladies in tears trying to copy you.”
“And you’re trying to flatter me.”
“Should I not?”
