Page 251 of The Spider Queen
“At what cost?”
“You would’ve spared me. If you could have. But that wasn’t my destiny.”
“Your death weighs heavily on me,” I admitted.
“Of course it does. You have a conscience, a good heart. But you feeling guilty hurts us both. Let it go. Letmego.”
“Where will you go?” I wondered. “Atlantis? Heaven?”
“I’m not sure.”
“And yet you seem remarkably calm about it. I wish I could be as cool as you when it comes to the unknown.”
He smiled. “Life is full of unknowns. You can’t prepare for everything.”
My hand absently strayed to my stomach, and because he was Hunter, he noticed.
“So it’s like that, is it?” There was no anger, no hurt, not even resignation in his voice. It was just a statement.
“Are we really speaking? Is this your soul personified?”
“I couldn’t say.”
“Are you here to give me absolution?”
“No. Only you can do that for yourself.”
I sank to the ground and crossed my legs. “I don’t understand. I don’t understand any of this.”
“You keep looking for reason and logic. Emotion is neither of those things. You live in a different world now. You are the Guardian’s queen. You can change form from one body to another in a world that is full of magic. And yet you still cling to the idea of a human self. Why?”
He wasn’t the first person to ask me that question. I frowned in thought. “I’m immortal now. What if I lose my sense of self? What if I lose everything that I am because over time I forget what it’s like to be human?”
“Of course you’ll forget what it’s like to be human. And you should forget.”
“How can you say that?”
“Do you think becoming immortal means you won’t feel as deeply? You won’t feel the losses as deeply? Tell me why you’re so determined to punish yourself?”
It was rhetorical, but I answered anyway. “I chose Thane. In choosing him, I abandoned my family—and you. I chose him above everything and everyone I have ever loved.”
“But you chose love, Poppy. You chose the right love. You chose your soul mate.”
“Every choice has a repercussion,” I pointed out. “By choosing Thane I was put in a position tokillyou.”
“In choosing Thane, you also chose to save the world. I wouldn’t feel guilty about any of that.”
“Poof! I feel better,” I remarked in bitterness. “We saved the world. At what cost? Your life?”
“Many died. Many you didn’t even know and never will. My death hits you harder because I once meant something to you.”
“You’ll always mean something to me,” I vowed.
“Maybe. But remember that immortality will change you—forget the long life part. That’s a given. Even humans have memories that fade. Is it not the same for immortals?”
I thought about Thane and the women who’d come before me. I thought about the woman he’d once loved, that if circumstances had been different, Thane would’ve been with her. He would’ve married her. They would’ve had children together. Who knows what would’ve become of Xan.
And me. What would’ve happened to me?
