Page 194 of The Spider Queen
“You loved Hunter, yes?” he asked. There was no hurt in his voice anymore at the mention of Hunter.
“I did. But it was”—I searched for the right words and then used his own explanation—“my human heart. It was my mortal life. I loved him, human to human. It’s not the same as the way I feel about you.”
I paused, gathering the words. “You are bigger than life, Thane. Immortal. It only makes sense that my emotions are magnified for you. They’re bigger, brighter.” I smiled slightly. “I think even if I’d remained human, I would’ve chosen you. But as a human, I couldn’t—there were too many things to feel. And I didn’t have the capacity to feel them. Not all the way. But now…”
He nodded. “I understand. I loved her as an immortal loved a human. I had to…hold back. It was too much for one person. It’s why I held back with you. In the beginning. But when you began to change, I let the syphon open. There’s no stuffing my feelings back inside. They’re free.”
I nodded. “Free. Yes.”
“Do you feel trapped? Are you still cursing fate that you weren’t given a choice?”
“We all have choices,” I said. I cocked my head to the side in thought. “Cassandra chose to go mad. I could’ve done the same.”
He smiled slightly. “But you’re no martyr.”
I swallowed. “There was no way to choose Hunter. Our paths diverged. I became…this…whatever it is. And he became a merrow. He was only broken-hearted for a short while, wasn’t he? Since being turned merrow, he’s forgotten me, and the torment I caused him.”
My hand caressed Thane’s jaw. “My broken heart became half a heart. I turned immortal. My human self didn’t want the burden of freeing you and stopping Lucifer. My immortal self realized the sacrifice we all made for the sliver of a chance to save the world.”
“Convoluted, isn’t it? Discussing ethics and philosophy, fate and free will, when you’re an immortal.”
“As you pointed out, forever is a long time. But we’re not stagnant, despite our immortality. Right?”
He smiled. “You consider yourself one of us now, don’t you?”
I nodded slowly. “You can’t fight fate. If you try, you’re only fighting yourself.” I squared my shoulders and turned my attention back to the endless miles of sand and sun. “We should keep going. Even if we walk in circles, it will keep the insanity at bay.”
Thane paused for a moment and then said, “Sometimes making a choice—even the wrong choice—is better than doing nothing at all.”
“You may not have been my choice in the beginning, Thane. But you’re my choice now.”
Chapter 29
“Are you sure the barren tree will be here? In the desert?” I asked as we started walking again.
“That’s what the prophecy said.”
“Barren tree in the barren desert,” I muttered. “How freakin’ poetic.”
Thane chuckled.
“How are we going to find the tree? Will it find us? Is that how prophecies and magic work?”
“Your guess is as good as mine.”
“I—” The sliding sound of sand stopped me mid-sentence. I listened and looked, trying to discover which direction it was coming from. I’d seen the dunes shift and reassemble, and they’d never made any noise.
No.
This was something different.
Thane?
Don’t move.
Thane’s stance altered, his legs widening, his arms alert at his sides. I quickly turned my eyes back to the horizon.
The desert sounded like one giant hourglass, and I was standing underneath the spigot as pebbles of sand poured over me.
