Page 73 of Desolation
I’m already struggling with the thought of being behind the men on using our powers and now the added guilt trip of her suggesting I’m not trusting Gaia—she’s pushing me into a more vulnerable mindset.I can’t fail because of my pride.
Groaning, I give in. “Fine.” I look into her eyes for a moment before dropping my gaze to the ground. I twiddle with my fingers nervously, trying to find the words to tell her everything that needs to be said. As I begin recounting my memories of being sexually assaulted by Rafael and how it haunts my dreams to this day, sorrow twists her face but she doesn’t say a word. She sits quietly and listens without interrupting, allowing me to take the time I need.
When I move onto finding Beth in Hale’s lap, dying and drowning, I break down mentally. I can’t bear to say it out loud but I know the words need to come.
I miss you, Beth. I promise I’m trying to make you proud.
Salty tears track down my face and I don’t bother wiping them because there’s no way I can keep up with them. “Her soul had called out as her family passed into the afterlife. Beth had a connection to nature and, in turn, to Gaia, who felt her soul and saved her to be our foster mother.” I lift my head to look at Serenity through my blurry, tear-filled eyes. “My soul has felt tainted ever since the molestation. I feel as if I’m damaged goods and not deserving of all Gaia has done for me.” I don’t mention how Gaia also sacrificed a piece of herself to give me another chance at life. “How am I supposed to evolve into some Super-Fae who saves the realm when I constantly question why I was chosen? What do I bring to the table besides immature outbursts and sarcasm?”
Fuck, I hadn’t even realized I doubted myself so much. I guess that’s therapy for ya.
I don’t want Serenity’s pity or advice because I know these are issues I need to work through myself. However, I can’t deny that giving voice to my doubts and fears has lifted a weight off of me.
Much to my relief, she doesn’t try to dwell on everything that I’ve shared.
She looks hesitant to speak but takes a deep breath and goes ahead. “I have to admit something to you. This is tough for me to speak of but I owe you an explanation for my behavior since meeting you.”
I scrunch up my face and hedge, “Okay…”
I have a bad feeling about this.
“Your parents from your previous life and my parents had been friends, visiting each other’s realms often. They had an alliance between them and felt a kinship, knowing their daughters would be raised to be queens with the gifts of a Goddess bestowed on them.
“From the various trips to your realm, I saw you grow from a child into the queen you became in your past life. We had never been close because I honestly saw you as a bratty, naïve, spoiled little girl who refused to grow up.”
That explains her attitude towards me in this life.
Pausing in her speech, she stares intently into my eyes before looking away. “They died in your battle. The battle that occurred forty years ago claimed both my parents and Reese’s life. It was the same battle in which you and your men passed away. Reese had been a part of my parent’s royal guard and had accompanied them to your realm.”
My mind blanks as I stare open-mouthed at her, not knowing what to say.
Bitterness bleeds into her voice. “Your naivety in your previous life led to the destruction of all those you loved and those I loved as well. You were not powerful enough to take on the darkness but claimed to be ready for war. I see similar traits in you now and it disgusts me to think of history repeating itself. Icannotlose anyone else.”
Tears prick my eyes as I sit in frozen shock as she continues in a rush, “This is all that Gaia has allowed me to share with you. I cannot divulge anything else. You must piece together the rest when you get to your realm and your memories are returned.”
I was responsible for my mates’ deaths? For her mate and parents’ deaths?
Suddenly, her instant dislike of me makes perfect sense. I can’t even blame her. Of course she’d hate me if that’s what I was responsible for in my past life. She has every right. If it had been me, I would have done far worse than just sass the person responsible for my family’s death. And doesn’t that say something?
She’s the kind of leader I must aspire to be, for everyone’s sake.
Taking a moment to reflect on how I’ve acted so far since meeting Serenity, I know she’s right. I’m repeating the same vicious cycle of naivety and stubbornness in this life. Course correction is desperately needed. I don’t want more blood on my hands.
I will train and become the leader my realm needs. I will not fail anyone this time.Not again.
Goosebumps break out across my skin as I feel the resolve settle into my soul. Leaning forward and placing my hand on her knee, I look deep into her eyes and speak to the broken pieces of her soul. “I know an apology can’t even come close after everything you have lost because of me. And I know I can’t bring them back. But I can promise you that I will give my life before allowing us to lose anyone else.”
Her anger dissipates as my words strike a chord in her heart, replaced by determination. She nods her head as if coming to a decision. “We’ve got a lot of work to do.” She places her hand on top of mine and at the touch of our skin, she gasps. “Lana! I can feel your power trickling through you!”
Is that what that warmth spreading through my chest is?I had mistaken it for overwhelming feelings and the heat the leather produced against my skin.
Going into the meditative state she had guided me to yesterday, I open my mind’s eye and find a teal thread of energy dispersing from my soul, slowly seeping into my being. As I keep my eyes shut to focus, a wide smile breaks out across my face and Serenity gives my hand a squeeze of encouragement.
“It’s a small fraction of your power but it is definitely a starting point.” She flips my hand over and lifts it slightly. “Can you try to picture your energy forming in the palm of your hand?”
Scrunching my brow, I try to imagine the clear picture in my head, a swirling orb similar to the ones I had seen in my men’s hands yesterday, except with my color being teal.
A light tickle in my palm causes me to open my eyes and I squeal in delight at the evidence of my success in my hand.
