Page 37 of Devastation
"He thought he could beat me into submission. Torture me into thinking there was no other choice than to be his pliable and beautiful trophy." A shiver runs through her, and I have no doubt her mind is bombarded with unpleasant memories sparked by her words.
She lets out a humorless laugh. "Kyle was down there for taking the blame for a kid who stole food for his family. He took the blame so the kid wouldn't be harmed." Glancing back inside, she admits, "He's one of the most honorable angels I know. We went through so much together in our time down there—he's like the brother I never had. So, to be betrayed by him like this is just...a lot to work through."
She doesn't want my pity, and she isn't looking for answers, so I don't interject. I just stand here as her sounding board, wanting her to feel better after unloading.
Tears stream down her face, but she's quick to wipe them away angrily and ask, "So, how do we defeat Erebus?"
Glancing back toward her city, I give her the best answer I can, "We have to get the realms to form a single army against his. He has decades, if not centuries, of planning behind him. We're at a disadvantage, and if we want to stand a chance, we need to pull together and take the fight to him."
"Tell me when and where. We will be there." Her answer, while short and simple, is laced with a fearless strength that I admire and one day hope to embody myself. She and Serenity both carry that same inner strength that just seems to radiate through their every move and word.
They're true queens.
Her openness about the past and her current turmoil leads me to think back to everything that's happened, and the words begin to tumble out, "I feel really overwhelmed with everything on my shoulders. I'm trying to have a positive outlook and trying to convince myself that we'll all make it out of this alive..." I stumble as my throat constricts with emotion at the thought of all the death that surrounds me, "...but I've just lost so much in this life, and the memories of everything my realm lost forty years ago...it's too much sometimes."
She gives me the same respect back, letting me open up at my own pace, and I'm grateful for her silent support as I get it all off my chest. As I recall, we've always had a mutual understanding of trust and respect for each other.
Coughing to clear my throat, I continue, "I don't know the first thing about being Mother Nature, and I sure as hell don't know enough to lead all of our realms in an army against a god who has been around since the beginning of time."
At this, she steps closer to me and places her arm around my shoulder, her wings brushing against my back as her right wing cocoons me. A tear falls down my cheek and I mutter, "I can't be responsible for everyone's lives. I already failed my own realm once."
Maybe it's the tequila making this all bubble up from within me right now, because I haven't realized how heavy the weight on my chest has been until this moment. Perhaps it's seeing her work through her own inner turmoil that makes me want to do the same.
After a few quiet moments, Mar begins to speak, anticipating that I've said all that I will for now.
"In my years as queen, I have made many mistakes—I'm sure all the queens have. At the end of the day, Lana, even though we've been blessed with extra powers and granted the title of queen, we are still liable to make mistakes, just like anyone else."
I let out a despondent huff, "I'm sure the mistakes you all have made haven't been nearly as catastrophic as the ones I've made."
I feel her wings harden a millisecond before the dense appendage smacks me in the back. "Ow!" I exclaim, rubbing my now slightly throbbing ass.
"What good is it doing you to hold onto past mistakes? Answer me that and I'll stop beating you with my wing."
My eyes narrow as a know-it-all smirk appears on her face, deepening her dimples. Her wing pulls back to strike again and I hold my hands up, "Okay! It's doing me no fucking good, okay? You're right." My shoulders slump. "It's just this immense guilt that I can't shake, no matter what I do."
Despite my admission, her wing smacks me again, and I groan as she laughs and states, "I just felt you needed one more smack to get out of your head."
The light-hearted grin drops from her face as her wings lower and bunch behind her back. Glancing back out over her city, she admits, "I'm scared of what's to come as well. For Gaia to be defeated is...unimaginable."
For this warrior queen to confess that she's scared is a moment I'll never forget. Her admission shows me that I don't have to be fearless to face what's coming—I just have to believe that I will give it everything I have. That's all I can do.
Nodding mostly to myself, but also to her words, I add, "I miss her, and I hate that we never had the opportunity to nourish our relationship. I was so immature and unkind to her at times. I never got to show her that I'm more than that."
That might be one of my biggest regrets in this life. That I let my trauma make me into an immature brat who needed sarcasm and steel walls to get through each day. I never formed healthy coping mechanisms, and it turned me into a selfish and entitled woman without my even realizing it.
I don't want to be remembered that way.
"Knowing Gaia, she watched over you often. That means she saw you at your worstandat your best. The moments you were happy, sad, scared, angry, and in love. She knewyou, not what you think she saw..." Mar trails off while rubbing my shoulder comfortingly.
Biting my lower lip softly, I remember my time with Gaia when she shielded me in her mind before Erebus made his appearance. She had promised me and my fae parents that she'd always watch over me, and she had.
She'd sacrificed so much for me and my mates.
Zedd's voice floats over to me gently, "Lana? We probably need to head out to the next realm if you guys are settled. Every queen needs to be warned before an assassination attempt is successful. They don't all know to be on the look out yet."
With one last squeeze to my shoulder, Mar turns and walks back inside, leaving me to collect myself. Zedd's words are true, and I know we need to be moving on now that the angel realm is prepared and ready for war.
Soft footsteps alert me to Zedd's approach, and I glance over at him, sniffling back the remnants of my tears. Hazel eyes that hold an endless amount of love stare back at me with understanding in their depths before he wordlessly pulls me into his embrace, tucking my head under his chin and against his chest.
