Page 24 of House of Blood and Roses: Vol. 2
"I suppose that's true."
I get to my feet and start pacing back and forth, getting a frustrated look from Pip. She whines and puts her head on Linc's knee. I love seeing her so content, but I can't really focus on that right now.
"I've gone from tending the house and making sure that Bastian has everything he needs, to doing everything Lord Fallmartin says. And what about once we're married? Am I just going to do what Lord Fallmartin and the King want of me?"
"I don't know, Bea," he says. "What do you want to do?"
"That's just the thing, I don't know. How can I when I've barely been given a moment to think for myself? I've been sheltered my whole life, I've not even been able to read and write properly until now, and even that's a bit of a stretch. And now what? I'm supposed to know what I'm doing with my life?" I flop back onto the chair. "I don't want to be some pretty princess who does what she's told."
"Maybe you can talk to Agnes about that, she's never been particularly good at doing what she's told."
I laugh. "Hardly helpful," I respond. "Isn't she living her blissfully happy life with her bodyguard?"
"I assume so."
"Ah, you haven't heard from her yet?" I try not to be too disappointed by that, especially because it means there are other things we can't progress with too.
He shakes his head. "But that's normal. My letter can't go straight to her, otherwise it risks the wrong people finding out where she is."
"Right. I hadn't considered that."
"But if you want something for yourself, Bea, then all you need to do is decide what it is."
"Because it's as easy as that," I murmur.
"Isn't there something you want to know?" he asks. "Some mystery about your past?"
"Just where do you think I came from?" I half-joke. "My mother died when I was young and she tried to keep me away from this life. Which clearly went well. Da died a few years back. I saw them both when they were dead, there's no mystery there. I suppose when I came to the castle, I thought that I wanted to find a cure for vampirism."
"But?" he prompts.
I swallow hard, almost too distracted from my thoughts to appreciate how well he knows me. "I'm not sure I want one." It's a relief to say the words out loud and no longer have them hanging over my head. "What happens if I'm no longer a vampire?"
"I don't know. You go back to the life you had before?"
"What life, Linc?" I ask. "That's just my point. My life before was scraping by and trying to survive while making bland vegetable stew for Bastian when he got back from whatever job he had. Sometimes, the vegetable seller would give us radishes for free because they were Da's favourite. That was the highlight of my life. I don't even like radishes."
"Ah." He strokes Pip's head but doesn't interject more than that.
"I just...I don't miss it," I admit. "Is that bad?"
"No, I don't think so."
"And I have so much here that I like. I don't have to worry about Pip getting enough to eat. Or me. I've probably eaten more variety in the past week than I have for the entire rest of my life. I like having a comfortable bed, and nice clothing. And I like not being at Bastian's beck and call all the time. I love him, he's my brother and he's all I had for a long time, but I like having a life that has nothing to do with him. And there's you. I...like you." I barely manage to stop myself from saying something much more intense than that, though from the expression on Linc's face, he still caught it.
"I like you too," he responds softly.
"I just don't want to give those things up. Is that selfish of me?"
"No, Bea, it isn't." He shifts in his seat so he can get up. He pulls me into his arms and I rest my head on his shoulder as he wraps his arms around me.
Being held breaks me, and I find the tears coming thick and fast. I'm not even entirely sure what I'm crying about, just that there's no stopping the tears now they've started coming.
Linc rubs my back, not saying a word but offering me comfort without even being asked. It's only now that I realise how long it's been since someone has held me like this. Certainly not since long before Da died.
The tears dry up and I pull back slightly so I can wipe them away. "I'm sorry," I murmur.
"There's nothing to be sorry for," he promises softly. He checks I'm all right and leads me over to the blankets and cushions, instructing me to sit.
