Page 93 of Duke
That’s exactly why I enjoy her company so much.
Exactly why I like her and could see myself falling for her.
Back in high school, I thought I was in love with a cute girl in chorus named McKenzie Stanhope. But now I’m starting to think that wasn’t love at all. With McKenzie, I felt like I had to follow a script—like we had to hit specific milestones at specific times. First date, first dance, first kiss. When I suggested we veer from that script a time or two, she wasn’t interested. Everything had to be by the book, which I found suffocating.
Lonely too.
With Wheeler, though? I don’t feel lonely. There is no script. We’re just figuring it out as we go, deciding what feels right as we experience it. No pretense. No pressure to be anyone other than ourselves. I always thought relationships tied you down, but the relationship I have with Wheeler is actually…liberating. I feel safe to be myself with her.
Is this another part of freedom?Not travel necessarily or the ability to do what I want, when I want. Maybe freedom is more about self-expression. The ability to be who I am with people who love me for it. Whoseeme.
In other words, is freedom simply the opposite of loneliness? Is it being seen and known and understood?
Also, how the hell did I make it to twenty-seven without ever being in love?
Does that mean it’s finally my time?
Glancing up at the sky, I can’t help but wonder what Mom would say. She’d love Wheeler, no question. Wheeler is open-minded like Mom. Curious about the world. Confident and kind and loving.
What about the baby, though? What would Mom have to say about that? I know she wouldn’t want me to sacrifice my dreams out of some misguided notion of “doing the right thing.”
What is the right thing, though? I don’t want to be lonely again.
I don’t want to come home to an empty house ever again. Ilovehaving Wheeler there. I’m already itching for four o’clock, when the day is done and I get to go home to her. I don’t know what we’ll do. I do know that whatever activity we decide on—TV, a porch hangout session, whatever—it’ll make me think. It’ll make me smile.
It’ll make me happy. The idea ofthatbeing my life going forward—
Yeah, doesn’t suck. And somehow, I could see a baby fitting in just fine.
“I want Wheeler,” I say quietly. “I don’t know if I want this baby. What would you do?”
Ryder is quiet for a minute. “I can’t answer that. I know you wanna do something different with your life. But have you thought about what you really want out of all that? What are you really lookin’ to get out of your time on earth? I don’t think it’s money or partying or anything like that.”
I reach up to push my hat a little farther onto my head. “It’s not.”
“I think we’re here to find our people. Look at Sawyer and Ella—our babies become our people. What if…how cool would it be if you got to travelwithyour babies? Maybe not when they’re, well, babies. But as they grow up, that kid could very well become your best travel buddy.”
And that’s something I’d miss out on if Wheeler and I decided not to have said kid.
The thought lands heavily on my chest in a way I’m not expecting.
“Hadn’t pictured it that way,” I manage.
“Even better if you got to travel with your babiesandyour girl.”
Yep, my heart leaps at the thought of Wheeler riding shotgun on every road trip I take going forward. Of her sitting beside me on a plane, the two of us pouring our beers into those stupid plastic cups they give you while we plot how we’re gonna spend our first day in New York, Charleston, Paris, Grand Teton National Park.
Because Wheeler, as much a city girl as she is, would be just as excited to explore a European city as she would a national park. Granted, I don’t think I could convince her to spend the night in a tent or anything, but I’m good with staying at a swanky hotel by night while hiking or fishing by day.
I’d love to teach Wheeler how to fish.
I’d love to teach my kids too.
Huh.
A slow, rolling rumble fills my ears. A beat later, I’m hit by a familiar smell I can only describe as manure mixed with dust and sweat and that distinct, tangy animal scent I know so well.
The herd is close.
