A Lying Liar Who Lies
Dear Vishous,
First of all, thank you for doing this. I need another perspective. I am a twenty-six-year-old woman, about fifteen months out of a five-year relationship. I started dating a guy about two months ago. I’ll call him “Evan.” We met online. We both work out. We like a good time out at the clubs and the bars. We’re both Sox fans. He’s funny, and he’s been good about keeping in touch when he travels frequently for work.
My problem is this. He told me he was twenty-eight. A week or so ago, when we were playing pool at our local, he told me to snag his wallet and pay for the next round at the bar. While I was getting money out, I saw his driver’s license. It said he’s thirty-six, and the address listed was in a different area of the city than he told me he lives in. I got the drinks, put his wallet back in his pocket, and tried not to think about it.
But I can’t shake the idea he lied, and it’s causing me to obsess about things that are probably no big deal. Like, he only comes to stay at my place. I’ve never been to his apartment, and when I asked about this, he said he has two roommates who get on his nerves, and he prefers the break he gets when he sleeps at my place. And I’ve introduced him to my friends, but he’s never offered to do the same. At first, I was psyched because my ex never wanted to hang with my people. But now? I guess I’m uneasy and looking for shadows everywhere.
I don’t care how old he is, and I know that sometimes folks online fudge their age to make themselves appear more attractive. And maybe it’s just an old license. I don’t want to ruin a good thing by looking like I’m second-guessing him about stuff that only appears iffy and for which there is a reasonable explanation.
Please advise,
On The Fence In Beantown
Vishous:Here’s what you need to do. Go to your local Stahp ‘n’ Shahp and get some BBQ sauce. Then get a good knife. After you slice his balls off, marinate them and then pan-fry ’em. Serve them to him hot and spicy and—
Mary:Okaaaaaaay. Let’s just all take a deep breath here.
V:I know. Because the BBQ sauce smells great, true?
Mary:Ah, no. It’s because we should not settle this type of conflict through bodily harm.
V:Whatever, that lying sack of shit with the fake online profile doesn’t deserve a set of nuts. S’all I’m sayin’.
Mary:I think we’ve heard your point of view loud and clear. And now, I’d like to offer a more nuanced opinion. On The Fence, it’s clear that there are some reasons to be concerned about this guy. One of the things that I tell people in my practice is to always trust your instincts. As much as you want to believe the best—
V:Fine. No BBQ sauce, then. Just slice, dice, and toss ’em in the pan.
Mary:…
V:What? Oh, come on, don’t look at me like that.
Mary:I’ve never actually said this before to someone, but why don’t you light up a cigarette and take a few deep drags?
V:I thought you’d never ask.
Mary:Anyway, On The Fence, my suggestion is that you have a frank, face-to-face conversation with “Evan.” Share your concerns calmly and succinctly. See what his answers are. Based on how he responds, you should be able to tell a lot. Is he listening to you and taking you seriously? Is he offering to have you stay over at his place? Or is he defensive and turning everything back on you—
V:And his Red Sox card is revoked. He has to root for the Yankees now.
Mary:—in a way that makes you uncomfortable? At the end of the day, you deserve to be in a relationship with someone who’s as honest as you are and treats you the way you’re treating them.
V:I have to agree with Mary on this one. Even though you’re a human, being with a lying sack of shit is stupid.
Mary:Okay, that’s true for everybody, and let’s not run down humans, please. Fence, please remember, your physical safety comes first, and fast on its heels is your emotional health. Please, do not sacrifice your happiness just because you are hoping that “Evan” is the one.
V:I think you’re going to find out he’s got a wife and kids, and he’s playing you. Which brings us back to my solution to the problem—
Mary:—and let us know how it goes, please. Best of luck!
V:F**k him! Go get a real man—and that skillet.
Getting It Up
Dear Vishous,
I’m a twenty-seven-year-old guy who works in IT. Before you ask, I like PCs. Not Apple products. I mention this to you in the hopes of you going easy on me.
