Mary:Well, I wasn’t quite finished with my commentary when we segued into cruise ships. I think there are ways to balance the interests between the humans in this situation and the cat. I do believe it is important to clarify expectations before any suitcases are packed on your boyfriend’s part. I also think you need to be clear about how long the trial period will be, and you need to know whether or not your boyfriend is willing to explore allergy treatment. If the cohabitation works out, I think it’s entirely appropriate for you to request that he receive allergy shots so that the cat can come back into the apartment. Before he moves in, you need to find out: 1) if he is a candidate for such treatment; and 2) if he is willing to pursue it if it is an option for him. This is all a good exercise in communication, and you’ll have an idea of how responsive he’s likely to be to your needs, depending on how far he is willing to go to reasonably address his allergy. Let us know what happens! (And don’t worry, I’ll make the background checks stop.)
OCD and A$$holes
Dear Vishous,
I’m hoping you can help me out. My husband and I have been married for five years, and we have a three-year-old son. My husband, I’ll call him “Eric,” is a good provider. He works really hard as a civil engineer, and he has gotten us into a nice house with a yard in a good school district. Courtesy of his salary, I was able to quit my job as a buyer for a department store (actually, I was about to be downsized anyway, you know how it goes with the bricks and mortars these days) and stay home with our son. I am really grateful for this opportunity.
I am, for the most part, happily married. The problem is that my husband comes home and gets instantly frustrated if anything is out of order. He expects me to take care of the house and make sure everything is neat—something I am happy to do. But it is hard with a three-year-old to have everything put away, all the dishes cleaned and dried, the beds made, the sofas plumped, the vacuuming done, and the dry cleaning sorted. My husband wants the house pristine, dinner on the table, and our son freshened up and behaving well, and if that isn’t where things are at? Then he gets on me and wants me to tell him how I spent every moment of my day. I feel like he’s suspicious of my work habits and looking for wasted time or, God forbid, a nap because I’m exhausted. He never yells at me, but I can sense his disapproval, and a lot of nights, he shuts me out and goes to get on his computer.
I guess I’m feeling like I’m a maid and a nanny, and not a wife, and I don’t like the fact that he acts like a supervisor at work around me rather than a partner. I also don’t know how to get him to see that my days are long and hard, too. Our son is wonderful, but he’s a handful as all three-year-olds are, and I get tired chasing after him while trying to meet the level of service my husband demands. I feel like I can’t win, I can’t measure up, and I’m not appreciated. You’re going to tell me to talk to him, I know you are, but I just feel so discouraged that I don’t know where to start.
I’m grateful for any help you can provide.
Tired and Unhappy
Mary:Tired and Unhappy, I’m so sorry for where you’re at—
Vishous:This is what happens when you marry an engineer.
Mary:*glares at V* I think there’s clearly been a breakdown in communication, and it’s led to a breakdown in the relationship.
V:Have you considered taking all his toiletries and moving them three inches to the left of where he keeps them? Wait, how about all the furniture. Yeah, like shift everything—
Mary:I would have to suggest some counseling. The issues you’re speaking of here go much deeper than just answering a letter. Relationships require trust and empathy, and I’m concerned that there are—
V:The guy’s an ass. I’m sorry, I know I’m supposed to couch this in terms of everyone needs development and support, but fuck it. I’ve seen some of the females in this household with their young. It’s a more than full-time job, and they have help. If you’re on your own and dealing with everything while he’s ordering people around at work, and he comes home and picks you apart like he’s your boss? Screw him. He’s an ass.
Mary:Well, you know, I wouldn’t take things that far. But I have to agree with the thrust of what V’s saying here. You and your husband both make contributions to the family that are worthwhile and important, but just because his come with $ signs attached shouldn’t devalue the things that you do.
V:I’m serious about moving his shit, true? If he cares more about things than whether his son is fed, clothed, healthy, and happy, then he needs to go live alone in a tower of objects. And the fact that he doesn’t care that you’re unhappy? I mean, come on, we don’t know you, and that’s the first thing that came through from your letter. You are unhappy because you’re being disrespected. I think you’re going to have a hard time opening his eyes.
Mary:*puts hands up* Now, hold on. We are not going to look into the future.
V:Technically, I can do that, Mary. You know that, right?
Mary:Not in this instance, you can’t. *stares V down* I think we can both agree that counseling is going to be critical here, and if he refuses to go, you need to go on your own. As I said, I think there are some serious issues that need to be discussed here.
V:Look, I guess this is a no-prognostication zone here, but I need to say this. I’m willing to bet a hundy that he will not want to go to a therapist with you, and he’ll tell you it’s because everything is fine and it’s a waste of money. When you ask him if you can go on your own—because something tells me you’re going to ask him, not tell him you’re going—he’s going to tell you to pay for it yourself because he knows you aren’t bringing any money in, and he doesn’t want you to separate and individuate from him. If he stops you from going, get out. Get out now. That is your answer to everything.
Mary:*blinks* You know, I fear V may be right. Unhappy, please get help, at least for yourself, and if your husband tries to get in the way of that? Then you may need to rethink a lot of things, and not just whether you did the dishes correctly. Please let us know how it goes.
V:And if you need me to come after dark with a shovel, let me know. I’m really good at filling graves up. Until next month, peace out.
The Lifeboat
Dear Vishous,
I’ve got a problem. Well, I guess you know that, or I wouldn’t be writing you. I’m in a steady, mostly fulfilling relationship with a man who I’ve been with for four years now. I’m a twenty-nine-year-old male, and so is he. We met through mutual friends in college, were dating other people, and then ended up working in the same city after school. I went through a nasty breakup, and he was there as a friend, and soon thereafter, we ended up together.
The issue is this. He’s starting to talk marriage, and every time he brings it up…I just want to run out of the room. And sometimes, I do that. I’ve been very noncommittal about the engagement thing, and I can tell it’s starting to break his heart. It’s like he’s feeling around for where I’m at, and I’m running away from the discussion, and it’s making things awkward.
The frustrating thing is that he’s wonderful. I mean, the boyfriend I had before him was a nightmare! That one cheated on me, and there was nothing but chaos and drama with him. I was so over that. I am so over that. I never want to go back to that.
So why am I having trouble settling down? There is nothing wrong with this man, and he honestly loves me. He’s devoted to me. We could have a perfectly fine future, and I should want to be with him forever.
Any advice would be appreciated.
Kicking Myself
