Vishous:You’re not in love with him. That’s the problem—
Mary:Whoa. That’s a big statement! And maybe we shouldn’t jump to conclusions—
V:It’s true. *lights up hand-rolled* You never once mentioned that you were in love with him. The closest you got to anything positive on your side was calling the relationship “mostly fulfilling.” And you can get that with a milkshake, for godsakes. Especially if Rhage makes it.
Mary:*clears throat* Well, V does have a point.
V:Have you noticed how you say that every time we do these? *jogs eyebrows* I’m good at this, right.
Mary:Your delivery needs work.
V:I get the job done.
Mary:But when the package lands on the porch, what’s inside can be mangled.
V:*confused* Huh?
Mary:Let’s refocus. V is right in that you list some characteristics about your current relationship, but you never say that you are in love with him. You seem mostly focused on your dissatisfaction with your previous relationship and how much you don’t want to talk about marriage with your current partner.
V:It’s not like I don’t get wanting to bolt from a hard conversation. But you need to ask yourself why you don’t want to talk about marriage. Is it because you’d have to be honest and tell him that he’s not your long-term? ’Cuz that’s what it sounds like.
Mary:It does seem as though you think this current partner is what you need rather than feel he is what you want. You note that it was shortly after a bad relationship that you began dating this guy. Is it possible that you were attracted to him because he was stable, and that was a safe option?
V:Lifeboats are great. But they’re not what you want to marry.
Mary:Of course, it is hard to diagnose a whole relationship just by a letter, so we may be jumping to conclusions—
V:We’re not. He needs to get out of this and spend some time on his own, getting to know himself. He’s writing because this is just occurring to him, and he’s hoping it’s not the case because he’s with a nice guy, and he doesn’t want to hurt him. But continue.
Mary:*rubs forehead* *takes two Tylenol*
V:You want a drink?
Mary:Yes, desperately.
V:Let me get Fritz—
Mary:No, no. Let’s finish. *clears throat again* Where were we—? Oh, right. *puts hand up to V* I remember, thank you. I was going to suggest that, first of all, you and your current partner have that hard conversation. You need to tell him you’re not ready and don’t know if you’ll be ready anytime soon. Thensee what he says. You are assuming he’s prepared to walk down the aisle tomorrow, but maybe that is just what you fear he’ll say. Maybe he thinks you’re ready and is just trying to give you what you want. My point is, first you need to find out where you both are. Then you need to assess the relationship, preferably in a counseling situation.
V:It’s okay to not want to be with someone. You’re not grafted at the hip with this guy, and better to let him go now than wait. Here’s the thing. Just because he’s nice and he’s decent doesn’t mean you have to feel like you settled.
Mary:But at the same time, you don’t want to give up a good thing just because you’re afraid about an even deeper commitment. That’s why talking things through with him with a therapist could really help. You could examine your feelings and figure out where you truly are.
V:Actually, Mary’s right. I didn’t think about this. You made an impulsive move after the douchebag. Talking things through thoroughly now will ensure you make the best decision, and not a rash, knee-jerk kind of thing.
Mary:*blinks* Why, V, you agree with me.
V:Don’t let it go to your head. *winks at Mary*
Mary:*laughs* Until next month—
V:Let us know how you do, Kicking. And tell me I’m right.
Mary:—we wish everyone happy relating!
No Mommy Issues Here
Dear Vishous,
