A Nightmare Before Christmas
Dear Vishous,
First of all, happy holidays. I’m not sure what exactly you’ll be celebrating at the mansion, but I hope whatever it is, it is filled with love and friendship and good food. Knowing Fritz, I’m sure the latter is covered perfectly!
And all this brings me to my question. For as long as anyone in my family can remember, everybody has gathered at my mom and dad’s house for Christmas Eve dinner. We have it early, like at five, and the kids open their presents from the aunts and uncles and grandparents there. (There are three married siblings, and we have a total of five kids under the age of ten.)
Over the past year, our youngest brother has fallen into a relationship and, last month, they got engaged (at Thanksgiving dinner, which kind of took over the whole thing, which was fine, whatever). Honestly, my brother and sister and I never thought he’d get married. He’s forty-two, and I might as well tell you that his intended is twenty-four. In case math is not your thing (which, let’s face it, is unlikely), that’s a difference of eighteen years. Now, here’s the thing. She doesn’t fit in with us—and before you get on me for discriminating against the younger generation, let me provide you with a concrete example of how difficult she is. On Christmas Eve, she doesn’t want to eat at five. She wants to eat at seven. Why? Because she wants to go on a “fun run” with her little buddies from her gym, and she is insisting on bringing my brother, who is not athleticin the slightest, with her. For some reason, she feels entitled to demand that we reschedule the dinner to suit her. And the worst part? My brother went to my mother and pressured her into agreeing to the time change without talking to anybody else about it.
This after we’ve done this dinner for the last decade at five.
Look, V, my parents are in their late seventies. They just want everyone to be happy, and they have always accommodated our younger brother. He’s been coddled his entire life, and even lived with them, rent and utility free, until he was in his thirties. They’re used to taking care of him—and the rest of us are sick of it. The thing is, those of us with kids? We don’t want a late night on Christmas Eve. We want to get home and get the kids in bed so we can finish wrapping everything and get the presents under the tree—sometime before two a.m. We’re not rich people. We work for a living, and we don’t have the luxury of always being ready and pretty with everything on time. The holidays are hard on us and our spouses. And to have all three of us and our husbands and wife and all of our children get put out because of this newcomer and her bright ideas? It’s just too much.
I don’t know what to do, but I’ll tell you, I’m sick of this. I’m sick of him. I can’t stand her. And I’m furious about being inconvenienced in this busy season—and I can’t believe that our parents rolled over once again for my brother’s antics. It costs him and his fiancée nothing to just let all of us do our thing. But nooooo, they have to screw everything up and put the rest of us out…
…any ideas you have. Meanwhile, I hope you and yours have a wonderful holiday season.
Sincerely,
Had It In Seattle
Vishous:*takes a drag on hand-rolled* I’m already lit up, and for real, I had to trim your letter, Had It.
Mary:A very happy holidays to you, Had It, and your family. And I think I’ll open this up with the fact that I’m sorry you’re having this difficulty.
V:Meanwhile, I’m thinking it’s probably a fair fight between you and Miss Thang in the Lululemon. *puts up hand* And before you get on me, Mary, you should see what I edited out. I have a feeling this is about more than theThe Nightmare Before Christmas.
Mary: I agree, but let’s not judge anybody too quickly. This kind of frustration with family members is very common during the holidays. You take everyone’s normal life stressors, add time and money concerns, children’s expectations, and a good measure of exhaustion, and things that have been building up over time tend to come to a head.
V: Had It, I think you need to ask yourself why you’re writing in here, rather than just going directly to your parents and telling them that the timing doesn’t work for the majority of people coming, and therefore, you’re going to do the dinner when you always have, and the brother and the floozy can come late.
Mary: *rolls her eyes* V. We’re an advice column. That’s why she’s writing us. And please do not use that word in relation to the fiancée. You don’t know her—
V: You’re right, I’m sorry.
Mary: OMG, did you just apologize for something?
V: That fiancée’s with a guy almost two decades older than she is who previously lived with his parents. She’s an idiot, not a floozy—
Mary: Vishous! That is not okay.
V: Is there another word for someone whose picker is that bad? Please, let me know what it is. And my point is that this is not that big a deal. Look, Had It, if your parents are as easygoing as you suggest, then get your other two siblings together, go to them, reset the time, and tell your brother what’s up, true. Done and dusted.
Mary: *presses the bridge of her nose and tries to breathe slowly* But there’s a larger issue here.
V: About the younger brother. I know. I just don’t think Had It wants to solve the problem. She wants to bitch behind his back and get all thought up and then play the victim. She’s part of this drama instead of a solution to it.
Mary: You and I are so on opposite sides of this letter. I don’t think Had It is enjoying any part of this at all. I think she would choose for things to be different. And she is blowing off steam, which is allowed. The thing is, in certain family units, people can get locked into roles and changing that dynamic can be hard. I really believe that Had It needs to sit down with a therapist and talk through her feelings about her younger brother. No doubt there are many moments in the past that she, and others, felt that her parents picked him over everybody else in the family. After she gets some clarity there, she may want to go speak to him or to her parents. Or maybe not. Resetting the dinner time in this situation only takes care of the symptom. It doesn’t get tothe underlying problem. For that, she needs to dive deep and go into the past.
V: Oh, yeah, right, I wouldn’t know anything about piss-poor family dynamics. *shakes head* And that’s my point. Sometimes, among bloodlines, there is no dealing with that underlying problem. No conversation that you can have with them. No place to go with your problems. When that’s the situation, you need to quit your bitchin’ and just get on with it—and when there is an opportunity to change things, fine. Switch that dinner time. Otherwise, you need to live your life and not worry so much about what the wing nuts are doing with theirs. Let the shit go or it’ll eat you alive.
Mary: I don’t disagree with that. But it helps to talk it out. That way, you don’t feel alone and unsupported. And it doesn’t fester. *stares at V pointedly*
V: *shrugs* In some relationships, we are alone and unsupported. Get over it. Let it go. Move along.
Mary: Had It, I think we’ve both said our peace—pieces?—here. I hope you and your family have a wonderful holiday season, and that you don’t let this overshadow what should be such a joyous time for everyone. We wish you very well and let us know how it goes! I really think you have a good justification to ask for the dinner to revert back to the normal time. But please, talk to someone about this frustration of yours. It’s not healthy to keep it inside.
V: When in doubt, do you, Had It. And let your brother find out the mistake he’s making in two years when that wifey leaves him for someone her own age who has a better job history. Dollars to donuts, this marriage of theirs ain’t workin’ out.
