V:Of course, we are. *exhales* It’s all Bob, all the time. I’m just opening myself up to other people. Haven’t you wanted me to do that?
Mary:Yes, but I’m not sure that’s what’s happening here.
V:Fine, let’s go on to solutions.
Mary:Excellent idea. Bob, I see that you state you’ve spoken to your roommate about his brother. I’m going to suggest that, before you do anything rash like move out, you sit down with your roommate and his brother and clarify some—
V:How big’s your trunk, Bob?
Mary:Excuse me?
V:*shrugs* I’m just throwing it out there. You mention you have a parking space, so you must have a car. Does it have adequate trunk space? And if not, do you have a trusted friend with a truck or a sedan?
Mary:Um, where are we going with this?
V:*taps hand-rolled over ashtray* Now, Bob, here’s my advice. I want you to go get a shovel, a hammer, some plastic tarping, and a big box of commercial-grade trash bags—
Mary:V!
V:—a hacksaw and a good butcher knife.
Mary:No! No, no, no—
V:Look, I’m just telling him what I would do—
Mary:That is a murder kit! You just told Bob to go get a murder kit—
V:Not at all. A murder kit has duct tape. I didn’t mention any duct tape. Although, Bob, that’s not a bad idea—
Mary:No! And I’m stopping this right here. Bob, I—we—*glares at V* do not condone murder as a solution to interpersonal conflict—
V:It’s not murder. It’s self-defense. The kid is terminally offending Bob.
Mary:This is not an episode ofThe Sopranos!
V:Of course, it isn’t. I’m not suggesting he go to the mob and find himself a freelance enforcer. I’m advocating for him to take care of this himself, true.
Mary:*puts head in hands* Oh, my God.
V:So, here’s what you do, Bob. Wait until he’s into a game, sneak up behind him, and—
Mary:No! Just no!
V:*curses* Fine, you want to be so critical—
Mary:Not condoning murder is not being critical!
V:*tilts head to the side* Boy, Mary, you’re really worked up. You want some water? Maybe a cold compress on the back of your neck?
Mary:*rubs temples* Look, can we just finish this? Properly.
V:Fine, so what’s your solution? *eases back in chair* You think you’re so smart, what’s your advice?
Mary:*takes a minute to calm down* I think the three should sit down together like reasonable people and discuss expectations and a timeline. Jeez.
V:Okay, I can get on board with that.
Mary:*stunned* Really?
