V:Sure. If the kid isn’t out of the apartment in ten days, plan Get That Shovel goes into action.
Mary:I give up. *grabs bottle of Motrin* Bob, sit down with the two of them and talk about your expectations for the brother’s behavior. Provide them with a reasonable timeline of about thirty days, and explain that if the behavior doesn’t change, the brother will have to move out. Then wait the thirty days. If the brother is still being difficult, then he has to go.
V:Get ready with that shovel, Bob. The kid’s not going to change.
Mary:*glares at V again* This is not about Lassiter.
V:*looks shocked* Who said it was?
Mary:*takes two Motrin* Let us know how it goes, Bob. And do not buy any shovels. Until next month, I’m taking a spa day.
V:Amazon Prime can get you a 47-inch D-handle digging shovel for $42.88. Order it now, it’ll be to the front door of that apartment in forty-eight hours.
Kudos to Everybody
Dear Vishous,
First of all, I want to thank you for doing these. Your advice is always spot-on. I’m amazed at how you can get to the heart of any matter and provide people with the kick in the pants they need. I truly appreciate your forthrightness. I feel that a lot of the time these days, people are super worried about offending others. There’s a lot of coddling right now. My father would approve of the fact that you’re bucking the trend. Kudos!
I’m writing because I want your take on a problem I’m having at work. I’m a supervisor in charge of five people. Recently, a new VP came in. He’s very different from me. It’s probably a good idea to fill you in on some details about me. I’m a fifty-two-year-old man who’s been working for this company—let’s call it “Acme Building Supplies” or “ABS”—for almost fifteen years. I know what works and what doesn’t around here. Meanwhile, this VP just ends up wasting time, and the changes he’s insisting on are making extra work. We’re fine. We’ve always been fine.
I guess what I’m wondering is what you’d suggest I do about it. I’m hoping for all kinds of shovel references and maybe something that involves a backhoe. Not that I’d ever hurt anybody. The fantasy’s nice, though. Maybe corporate will fire him? ABS is a strong company. We’ve been doing things a certain way for a while now and we’re successful. All of this tracking and projections and paperwork is just a waste oftime. Then there’s the meetings. And I’m supposed to monitor the performance of my team when they’re doing perfectly well? Come on. We’re here to sell lumber and nails, professional-grade power tools, and bulk supplies. All this bullcrap around a self-important, twelve-year-old VP makes me feel like I’m doing nothing but justifying his job.
Show me the light, Vishous. Please.
Signed,
Spare Me Twelve-Year-Olds
Mary’s at Safe Place tonight, so I’m fielding this on my own. Accordingly, I’m going to change the format. Here are my responses inbold.
Dear Vishous,
First of all, I want to thank you for doing these.You can stop with that right now.Your advice is always spot on.You’re kissing my ass.I’m amazed at how you can get to the heart of any matter and provide people with the kick in the pants they need.Still sucking on my ass.I truly appreciate your forthrightness.Anytime you want to cut this shit out is good for me.I feel that a lot of the time these days people are super worried about offending others.This is true, and sometimes people are assholes and do shit on others.There’s a lot of coddling right now.Also true, but what the hell does that have to do with you and your dumbass problem?My father would approve of the fact that you’re bucking the trend.Who cares about your pops? No offense.
Kudos!I have always hated people who use the word “kudos.” The origin of the word is the Greek “kudos,” meaning glory or fame. I can assure you, Spare Me, or should I call you Mr. Karen, that I have neither glory nor fame from this column or any other segment of my life—and after this first paragraph of yours, I’m wondering why this VP and you don’t get along great because you’re clearly someone who manages well up.
I’m writing because I want your take on a problem I’m having at work.Finally, getting to the point. Kudos, Karen.I’m a supervisor in charge of five people. Recently, a new VP has come in. He’s very different from me. It’s probably a good idea to fill you in on some details about me.FYI, anyone who feels the need to “fill me in on some details” makes me suspicious that they’re trying to manipulate my answer.I’m a fifty-two-year-old man who’s been working for this company—let’s call it “Acme Building Supplies” or “ABS”—for almost fifteen years.Did you have to pick an acronym for Anti-lock Braking System? Although, while we’re on the subject of stopping shit, how about we do that right now? Oh…wait, more sentences.I know what works and what doesn’t.Well, aren’t you Einstein, true?Meanwhile, this VP just ends up wasting my time, and the changes he’s insisting on are making extra work. We’re fine. We’ve always been fine.Are you, really? Why’d that VP get hired, then?
I guess what I’m wondering is what you’d suggest I do about it. I’m hoping for all kinds of shovel references and maybe something that involves a backhoe.You can clearly come up with these on your own.Not that I’d ever hurt anybody.This I believe, or you wouldn’t be looking for advice. You’d get a crowbar and a face mask and head over to Brandon’s house (Brandon sounds like a good name for a twelve-year-old who likes spreadsheets) and doa little cosmetic surgery on the kid.The fantasy’s nice, though. Maybe corporate will fire him?I wouldn’t bet on it.ABS is a strong company.Kudos.We’ve been doing things a certain way for a while now and we’re successful. All of this tracking and projections and paperwork is just a waste of time.According to who? You? Or corporate?Then there’s the meetings. And I’m supposed to monitor the performance of my team when they’re doing perfectly well? Come on. We’re here to sell lumber and nails, professional grade power tools, and bulk supplies. All this bullcrap around a self-important, twelve-year-old VP makes me feel like I’m doing nothing but justifying his job.
Show me the light, Vishous. Please.Look, I don’t know enough about this situation to make a judgment call whether the Karen or the Brandon is in the right. Yeah, I can imagine there are a lot of young Excel bangers out there, fresh from B school, ready to get in and quantify everything just because they get their paperclips all atwitter over bar graphs. Along those lines, I can also see how if you’ve been meeting your quotas or whatever and your team is chill and productive that you view any “modernization” of work to be a pain in the ass. On the other hand, maybe corporate thinks there’s room for improvement. How the fuck do I know. Stay if you want. Go if you want. But do not expect the VP to go anywhere. They hired him. They see something of value in him. Try and take the I-don’t-wanna out of your attitude and see if this is really useless or whether you’ve just got a hair across your ass because you’ve got someone expecting you to use a different system. And be honest. Is part of this about him being younger than you? If it is, get over it. You’re not going to change that, either.
This letter is an effort to negotiate an outcome where Brandon gets out of your work life, but I’m not the person who should be on the other side of the table. I don’t think there should even be a table. You adapt or you die. It’s one of Darwin’s primary rules, and it applies to the workforce.
Spare Me Twelve Year Olds
Post Script:Hey! Spare Me! This is Lassiter. I dropped in and read this, and I feel the need to point out that Judgy McJudgerson over here would be singing another tune if someone took his Samsung away and made him use an iPhone. He wouldn’t last ten minutes before he got the shovel and the backhoe out. Stay strong, Spare Me!
Monthly Horoscopes by Lassiter
OMFG, these cracked me up while I was going through them! Lassiter is one of my favorite comic relief types. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been writing a scene, and suddenly he walks in and I’m laughing so hard I wake up the dogs. Plus, hey, I love that he annoys V so much. That just makes my day!
January and February
Hi all! I think that pictures are worth a thousand words. Or…more like episodes ofThe Golden Girlsare worth more than me preaching a bunch of hypothetical crap at you. Find my specialized advice below for the start of this year and repeat my mantra: “Better Living Through Lassiter!”
Love you!
