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Your Favorite Fallen Angel
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Oh, Aries. We are leaders. We are awesome. We also need to chill with our agendas and listen to others on occasion. I want you to watch “The Sisters” (Season II, episode 12 ofThe Golden Girls). Sophia and her sister Angela feuded forever, but it was all over nothing. Like them, we need to remember to not make snap judgments and take the time to listen to the other side. Then everything is better when we take others into account. Unless the “other” is Vishous.
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Bulls are Steady Eddies. Some would say “plodders.” You need to get out of the comfort zone of responsibility and diligence this month. I would suggest “To Catch a Neighbor” (S. II, epi. 24). First, you can check out a young George Clooney—who, as I understand, did the episode to secure health insurance before he was a gabajillionare. But more to the point, letting thecops use your house to spy on your neighbors who may or may not be jewel thieves is exactly the kind of shake-up you need, Bull.
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Gemini, you are a curious soul who craves new things to experience. With spring on its way, let this part of you go and find expression! Watch “The Bloom Is Off the Rose” (S. VI, epi. 13). When Rose decides she and Miles are getting boring, she decides they need skydiving lessons. I want you to focus on this part of the episode (’cuz frankly, things go t*ts up for Miles after he jumps—this will not be you!). Jump from a plane and soar, soar, soar. Do it, twins!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancers are known to be among the most loyal friends and partners. But you can have trouble breaking free from your shell, and sometimes you can get bummed and lonely because of it. This month, try to express yourself more and be confident in the gifts you have to offer the world! Watch “Journey to the Center of Attention” (S. VII, epi. 19). Even if it makes Blanche jelly, sing your song to the guys at the Rusty Anchor and enjoy the limelight, just like Dorothy!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Leo, you like to be the center of attention! And people like giving you that attention because you are charismatic and have worthwhile things to say. This month, you need to ask yourself how these traits can be used to enrich your own life. Watch “Rose Fights Back” (S. V, epi. 4). When Rose’s deceased husband’s pension is cut by his former company, she needs to find better-paying work. Beset by age discrimination on her job search, she approaches a local TV investigative reporter with her story—and lands a great job as his assistant! You have so manytalents, and this month, use them to improve areas of your life you’re less than satisfied with.
Virgo (August 23- September 22)
People have accused me of being the anti-Virgo because I am not interested in details, and believe that order is overrated. This is the opposite of you. Virgos love order and rationality and everything-in-its-place. The problem is that this can be stifling and lead to unnecessary worry and preoccupation on your part. I want you to watch “Diamond in the Rough” (S. II, epi. 22). Blanche is really into a handsome caterer, but the fact that he doesn’t use a knife and fork proves to be a deal-breaker for her. I’m not saying you have to tolerate someone with bad table manners, or a messy house and a car that’s like a wastepaper basket, but maybe find a little middle ground this month between your need for order and the benefits that come when you relax some of the strictures you live within.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
You like harmony, generally speaking. Confrontations are not your thing. Sometimes, however, your sense of fair play and your dislike of injustice put you in the position of having to speak up, stand up, make a scene for what is right. Watch “Little Sister” (S. IV, epi. 21). Rose’s sister Holly, who charms everyone in the house, alsocharmsBlanche’s boyfriend, if you catch my drift. Rose tries to get everyone to believe her when she tells them that the woman is trouble, and in the end, Rose must make the hard choice to let her sister go. The point is, right is right and you, Libra, can hold the line for what you know is true and moral, even if it puts you in a hard spot. You’ll feel better in the long run, I promise.
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
I’ve always thought Scorpios are the daggers of the astrological signs. You all are quick to get defensive, and you don’t suffer fools—why is V not a Scorpio, btw? Still, like him, underneath the crunchy, intimidating exterior, you are as loyal as they come and fiercely protective, exactly who anyone would want at their six. Of all the signs, I feel like Scorpios are the most misunderstood and that’s why I want you to sit your nearest and dearest down and make them watch “Charlie’s Buddy” (S. III, epi. 12) with you. Rose is seduced by a man who claims to be an old army buddy of her late husband, Charlie. Dorothy and the girls, however, are suspicious. There are positives and negatives to your paranoid nature, Scorpio, and sometimes the trick is knowing when to share what you see…and when to let nature take its course. (Hint: Rose takes care of herself.)
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
You are adventurous and crave freedom and travel. Constraint does not work for you, especially as spring’s arrival is imminent. And yet sometimes, what we have at home is better than anything else we can find out there in the world. With this in mind, I want you to watch “Rose’s Big Adventure” (S. III, epi. 22). Rose’s BF retires and decides to take a cruise around the world—and she is supposed to be his first mate. It’s a big adventure, for sure, but don’t forget that we all need to be grounded, and it’s called “Home Sweet Home” for a reason.
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Capricorns are awesome. You are so responsible and disciplined—you make good choices in life, set reasonable goals and achieve them, and really value family and tradition. But you can be a liiiiiiiittle techy with the know-it-all stuff. Come on, admit it, because you’re on top of your own shit so well, you can get ever so slightly judgy and condescending. I think you should watch “Dorothy’s New Friend” (S. III, epi. 15). Dorothy is allabout her new BFF, a novelist who thinks she knows everything. Dorothy’s true friends find this woman snobby, and Dorothy learns the hard way that Barbara Thorndyke is a bad person. I’m NOT suggesting you are bad or have the issues that snob-ovelist has. Just be aware of how you come across so that your true talents and strengths and inner goodness can be shared with the widest group possible.
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
You guys are a conundrum. You are so compassionate, and you care about other people. But you always keep your emotional distance. You’re like the lab technicians of the Zodiac. I want you to watch “Golden Moments” (S. III, epi. 18/19). It’s one of their perennial clip shows, but it’s a good reminder of the ties that bind Dorothy and Sophia and Rose and Blanche together. The connections they have with one another. The true friendship that strengthens them through their differences. Open up, Aquarius. Find that deep connection with others and you, too, will not have to move in with your son, Phil.
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
I like a good Pisces. You are open to anything and everything. The flip side is that you can have a hard time making up your mind, and you keep so many options open, you can get brain freeze as to what you actually want to do. Watch “We’re Outta Here” (S. IV, epi. 25/26). When aFor Salesign is accidentally put on the front lawn of the house, Sophia entertains a serious offer while the girls are out at a play. When Blanche finds out how high the offer is, she thinks she just might sell the place. Decisions, decisions. Always remember, though, there is no place like home, Pisces. Some things are bedrock, and you can trust in the stability they give you.
**Although really, how many of us do you know? And PS, this is just for shits and giggles, entertainment, blah, blah, blah—as are the rest of the months to come.
March and April
Hi all, and happy spring! For these two months, I’m dealing cards from theMoonlightingdeck! This show is one of my very favorites and not just because it started the career of Bruce Willis, one of the greatest American actors of all time. The writing is spectacular, and the wall breaks are epic. Maddie and David are also on the short list of star-crossed lovers that never fail to suck me into their drama and love. I like to believe that somewhere, in an alternate universe, the two of them are living, loving and solving crimes together, forever.
Love you!
