Aries, you start things off. You’re the leader of any group. Without you, the party cannot get started. So you are going to be nachos and bean dip. No festive gathering can get off the ground without nachos and a good bean dip—if you really want to stretch it, you can also be guac. But we need you to get the ball rolling this month, and you will rise to the occasion, you always do!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
Steady Eddie. The dependable one. The basis of everything. Taurus, this month, and at our Fourth of July celebration, you are the tablecloth. Wait! Do not despair just because you don’t get to be a food! You are the foundation, the uniter, the ground-floor hard worker, on which all good things are based. Think redand white gingham. Think of the way you set the festive tone and make everyone happy to be there!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
Two-sided Gemini, you are the BBQ sauce on the very best chicken anyone has ever had! Sweet and tangy, making it so yummy! Listen, you are the reason everyone comes. The preamble is good, the finger food starters all well and fine, but the BBQ chicken slow cooked on the grill? Where would we be without you?!
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Can anybody have a party without a venue? NO! Even if it’s outside on the lawn or in a park, people have to convene somewhere. Cancer, you are the place it happens! Without you, the party wouldn’t happen at all, and yet the critical role you play is often overlooked. Unfussy and undemanding, you take care of so many things so well that people sometimes don’t recognize everything you do. Well, I’m doing that now. Thank you for being the location itself!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Every Fourth of July celebration needs cake. Good, old-fashioned, vanilla cake with vanilla icing, and strawberries and blueberries making the American flag! You are this cake! You are what everyone, who is stuffed to the gills, makes a little more room for, the beautiful, capping grace to the whole meal! Without you, there is no finale!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Buns. And no, I do not mean this in a disrespectful way! Orderly, organized Virgo, you are the one that keeps the condiments in check, the hotdogs and hamburgers together, providing the grip for people so that they can get what they need to their mouths. You set the boundaries people workwithin when they start laying on the ketchup and the mustard, the relish and the diced onions. You are the delivery system of awesomeness!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Condiments sound unexciting. I know they do. But you are a harmonizer, you blend flavors and are capable of getting along with everyone! Without you, no one can really meet their full potential! Hamburger without ketchup? I don’t think so! Hot dog without relish, no thank you! You are the in-between that makes the greatness sing, and no picnic exists without you!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Coleslaw is either loved or hated, but either way, you can’t do a picnic without it! I personally love the sharp tang and the crunch of slaw, and so many others do, too. You take no prisoners, make no excuses, and I, personally, never want to be without you! You complete my plate, Scorpio!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Ice cream is everything. The uniter of all desserts. You are your own person, and a strong personality at that, declarative, capable of giving those you love brain freeze if you come on too strong. But what would we do without you! You also are an adventurer with many faces! You come in a million different flavors, and all are welcome on my dessert plate!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You are the mystery dish that someone aspires to make for the first time and turns out to be a triumph! You are ambitious and you love family, and innovation fascinates you this month! You are the bean casserole, making its first appearance, the never before Jell-O salad, the different kind of roll and the fancy mustard. Without you, our plates would have no aspirations,and we would be stuck in a rut! Thank goodness for you, Capricorn!
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Napkins do not sound exciting. I get it. It’s like the condiments and the tablecloth. But here’s the thing. You live to be in service to others. You want to be needed and recognized for your strengths and your commitment to humanity. We cannot do this without you! You solve all problems, whether it is a dribble down someone’s shirt, ketchup on a mouth, ice cream on a child’s face and hands. You will always be there to make sure humanity keeps up its own standards and stays presentable!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Popsicles and the like come in many forms. Ice cream sandwiches, ice cream cookie sandwiches, Fudgsicles, Creamsicles, fruit pops, pushups, Dove bars—oh…Dove bars—you are the ice cream novelty I need right after the party is over, even though I am stuffed, even though I shouldn’t, but I must end with you! There are so many different kinds and all are perfect!
August
So, as it is August, and the nights are hot and steamy, I’ve decided that this month’s horoscopes are going to be based on classic rom-coms! I mean, I love me a good Sandra Bullock movie. And Meg Ryan. And Julia Roberts. Let’s go back into the past and remember some of the old-fashioned, boy-meets-girl stuff!
Love you!
xxx
Your Favorite Fallen Angel
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Aries, I love you, you know I do, but sometimes, you can get a little caught up in the whirlwind you create around yourself. It can be hard to get through to you, so you areGroundhog Day! At your core, you are a wonderful person, and your true love will see that in you. Plus, hello, if there was anyone capable of playing a concert piano, saving someone’s life with the Heimlich, speaking different languages, quoting literature and dancing like a pro, it is you!
