So I understand that you are a leader, the tip of the spear. I believe you would go first. You would get me when I am just up.When I am lethargic and sitting down to First Meal—and I go to pour my milk. You will go oldie but goodie—and put Elmer’s Glue in my whole milk. Well played over my Fruity Pebbles, Aries!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are steady, reliable, a ground-floor kind of prankster. You will wait until I get over the Elmer’s Glue fiasco…and hit me when I go to work out. You will put itching-powder in my jock strap—and laugh as I dance the jig of shame all the way into the showers!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
As someone who has two sides to them, you will play me well. You will hand me a towel as I step out of the post-itching-powder shower. You will chat to me as I dry off. You will laugh ruefully as I express my frustration at the hard start to my Monday morning. We will walk through the tunnel together, heading back for the mansion. As we come through the hidden door underneath the stairs, you will clap my shoulder and tell me to keep my chin up, things will only get better.
The first person who kicks me in the can will confuse me. The second will offend me. The third…will send me into the downstairs bathroom where I will turn around…and see theKick MePost-it note on my back.
Cancer (June 21- July 22)
You are so quiet and loyal, Cancer, that when you come to check on me in the bathroom, and you remove the Post-it note, I am grateful. You suggest that I get out of the house. Take a walk in the still-warm fall night. Collect my thoughts. You maneuver me toward the vestibule, which I go through just fine. When I step out of the house, however—I am doused by purple Kool-Aid, hit from overhead.
You are a loyal friend, however, and you make sure to secure the bucket with a recovery string so it doesn’t hit me on the head. Thank you, Cancer!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
By the time I run across you, Leo, I am flinchy as fuck. But I am also covered with sticky Kool-Aid. As I start to strip in the front foyer, you remind me that there are young in the house. You reroute me to the kitchen where you point out that I can take everything off in private and get my sticky clothes to the laundry. Now, as a Leo, you are great at mobilizing others. So as I enter the pantry, someone yells, “Catch!” Instinctively, I put my hands out—and am hit with a flour bomb that poofs out all over me, dusting me like a beignet.
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
Virgo, you are orderly. Detail-orientated. Restrained and disciplined. As I go upstairs to take my second shower of the night, I have a sense of superiority as I pick up my shampoo bottle—and notice that someone has replaced it with a Nair bottle.Ha-ha! I think.I have caught them! I go to step out—and hit bald tile that has been splashed with body oil. You have waited in my towel closet and pulled the rug away, knowing that when I discover the Nair, I will get out of the shower to get a new shampoo bottle.
You also have the presence of mind to bring a camera phone—so as I flip out and try to keep from falling, you take two dozen pictures, blank out my hey-nannies, make the images into a time-lapse collage, and email them to everyone in the household.
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Libra, as I’ve said before, you are not a big fan of conflict and strife. So when I go down to the clinic to get checked becauseI think I’ve thrown my back out doing the bathroom boogie, you come into the exam room with Ehlena and ostensibly check on me. I know what you are up to, however. I watch out for every move you make. I double-check the Ace bandage you put on my ankle. I refuse aspirin because I am convinced you’ve spiked them with CBD oil. I sniff at the bag of ice you give me. I constantly look up. Look down. Look around. Even after you leave. For like, half an hour.
It is only an hour later that I realize…you didn’t do anything. Which was your prank. The absence of a prank is the prank. Nice!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Scorpio, you play for keeps. Exhausted by the worst night I have ever had, I will go to the billiards room and head for my sofa in front of the TV I have tortured people with since I moved in with the Brothers and other household members. As I sit down…I have a thought that the cushion feels a little different, but I don’t think much of it. When I go to use the remote to turn the cable on to COZI TV—an electric shock goes right up into my nads. Of course you’ve wired the sofa seat to be triggered by the power switch!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
At this point, I’m exhausted. I pass out on the other sofa. When I wake up, an hour later, I am groggy and disorientated. I get up and think there is something different…something wrong…but I can’t figure out what it is. I walk out into the foyer…and see across the way, in the glossy reflection of the marble…that my fucking hair is gone! I run back to the Post-it bathroom again and see what I would look like if I were bald!
Because you are a good person, it is only a bald cap. BUT STILL!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Still reeling from the hair-scare, I stumble into the library and decide to lose myself in a book. As I am heading for the shelves, I see aMaximon the table. Picking it up, I open it to…read the articles…and see that there is a beautiful, half-naked—
Capricorn, you walk in and remind me of the importance of body positivity and the acceptance of all forms, not just thin ones. Embarrassed, I go to put the magazine down…and find that my left palm is superglued to the front page. As you laugh, I realize you set a perfect trap!
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
I run flapping and cursing out of the library, waving thatMaximaround until the magazine proper separates from the cover, which will not separate from my hand. I do not see the skateboard that is in my path, and when I hit it, it carries me across the foyer and into the dining room—whereupon I find myself in a firestorm of cream pies. Pies, pies, all over my piehole and other places. You have organized the largest pie surprise the household has ever had! And it is good fun—including me!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
Pisces, as I give up and promise the household that I will not hog the TV anymore, and I will stop with the Zebra-print chaps, and the twelve months of Lassiter calendars, and the cartoon voice-dub-ins whenever a brother enters a room, you come up to me and give me a big hug, even though I am covered with pie. As you step back, I look into your eyes, and I say, “G’head. Finish this.”
At which point, you pull a lever…and twelve hundred pounds of feathers float down over me, turning me into Big Bird.
