N.B. TO THE BROTHERHOOD: WORRY NOT, I STILL LOVE YOU GUYS! EVEN THOUGH YOU HAVE PROGRAMMED ME INTO YOUR PHONES AS THE “ASSHOLE” SONG BY DENNIS LEARY.
October
To celebrate the Halloween season, this month is all about the trick or treat candy! Read on to discover what you are in the bowl—and know that everything is perfect. Whether candy bar or taffy, candied apple or toothbrush, there is room for appreciation for everybody! (No nickels or dimes, though. We are better than that. And, actually, no toothbrushes, either. Also no raisins, sugar-free gum, or popcorn. If it can’t rot your teeth, pull out your fillings and make you buzz with that high octane glucose hitting your blood stream, we’re not interested.)
It’s important to have standards!
Love you!
xxx
Your Favorite Fallen Angel
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
As the start of all things, we must give you the gold standard, the OG master, the mack daddy: Snickers. You are not only sweet and crunchy goodness from the caramel and the peanuts, you are able to cure the hangries! Heck, there’s a whole commercial series around your power to turn the crank around with your combination of sugar, caffeine and protein. You are awesome!
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are the Steady Eddie, an unsung hero who is always there. You are the Milky Way, less flamboyant than yourSnickers counterpart, quieter, more subtle, but you are sooooo good. You are my favorite candy bar, whether in dark chocolate or regular!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
With your two sides, there is only one candy you can be. You are Sour Patch Kids! Starting out sour, you show your true colors when you turn sweet, and there are so many variations on the theme. Whether it’s strawberry or orange, pear or blue raspberry, you never fail to get our attention and then remind us why sweets are so good!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
You are another true classic, a candy so perfect, so sublime, there is no need to add anything to it. You are the original Hershey’s chocolate bar, without almonds, because you need nothing more than your loyal self to satisfy even the pickiest of Halloweeners. You are good from the freezer or at room temperature, a true gem that has stood the test of time for generations!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
Gimme a break! Gimme a break! Break me off a piece of that Fancy Feast! (Officeref, had to!) You are KitKat, Leo, a source of fun and the leader of any good time. You are delicious at any hour of the day or night, capable of perking up even the dimmest nod, a combination of crunch and chocolate that is one of my favorites!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
There is only one candy you could be, Virgo. With your affection for order and discipline, you are M&Ms. With your candy-coated shell, you make sure there is no melting in the hand, only in the mouth, and OMG you are amazing. Portable, practical, but oh, so good, you are perfect for any occasionwhether it’s the movie theater, out on the town, or on the couch during a binge watch!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Libra, you are a connection person who values your relationships and a good equilibrium. You are Twizzlers! Shareable, careable, making smiles wherever you go, everyone likes you and why wouldn’t they? I mean, hello, who doesn’t like Twizzlers!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
You are a strong, clear character, and when I think of you, I think of Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups. Declarative chocolate and peanut butter fabulousness, you make no bones about anything! At the end of the day, there is no better balance than that peanut’y center covered with its chocolate blanket, and it’s not unlike you—softer on the inside than you’d guess by the outside!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Twix is shareable! There are two in every pack, and with your social justice commitment and your sense of right and wrong, you are definitely Twix. Plus, hello, caramel and cookie draped in chocolate? How can you keep that to yourself!? You have to spread the wealth. Bonus: gold packaging—and you know how much I love gold!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
You value home and family, and that makes me think of candy corn, a staple that is synonymous with this holiday! Cheerful bowls of yellow, orange and white wedges are perfect for this season, and the taste goes with everything because, at the end of the day, it’s just colored sugar with a chew that is oh, so satisfying!
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
Starbursts are chewy and fruity with an assortment in every bag! You’re a rebel, Aquarius, so you could never just be one thing and one thing only. Strawberry? Or maybe it’s orange. Lemon? Or maybe its cherry! Brightly colored wrappers complete the fun and the sparkle that is you!
Pisces (February 19 - March 20)
