December
This month, in recognition of the holiday season, I am giving everyone a present! (Yes, I’m kind of like Oprah was in the way back, I know—and I TOTALLY watch her reruns on YouTube, P.S.!) Read below for your special gifty from me to you, and please enjoy what I have chosen for you—I hope I get it right!
Love you!
xxx
Your Favorite Fallen Angel
Aries (March 21 - April 19)
Aries, I am getting you a podium! You are a natural leader, with good intentions. I want to provide you with an auditorium full of people to lead—I know you will take good care of them and send them in the right direction. Perhaps volunteering for a nonprofit? Raising the collective consciousness? Conquering a new galaxy? You are at your best when you are in charge and living large! (And given that you like to look good, too, how’s an unlimited Saks Fifth Avenue charge card sound?)
Taurus (April 20 - May 20)
You are always on the ground floor of any effort. I am getting you the office of your dreams. You have an unlimited budget at Staples to choose every pen and piece of paper, every computer and laptop, each pad and lamp and chair and desk, to fit your industrious dreams! Enjoy!
Gemini (May 21 - June 20)
For you, dear Gemini, I am giving you a shopping spree. I am releasing you into the Mall of America and letting you haul that shit! Will you choose fashion? Accessories? Something more practical? Or, knowing you, a bit of everything. Spend knowing I am getting the bills and fill your boots with every whim!
Cancer (June 21 - July 22)
Cancer, you always take care of others. I am, therefore, getting you a spa month. Not an afternoon, not a day, not even a week. A whole MONTH of letting others take care of YOU! Sit back and relish the pampering, sleeping in, the being cooked for, along with every massage or treatment you choose. You deserve it!
Leo (July 23 - August 22)
As the partygoer in chief, Leo, I am getting you the biggest, best New Year’s Eve celebration ever! Invite all your friends and their friends and their friends’ friends, and dance your buns off at a gleaming, golden super event in your honor! You make all parties a night to remember—and this one’s on me!
Virgo (August 23 - September 22)
A week off. For you, Virgo, I am getting you a week off—and I hope that you will spend it enjoying a copious lack of effort. I know, however, that most likely you will use the free time to reorganize your drawers and closets! But still, perhaps a little relaxing will be on the docket? You work so hard, and you meet so many high standards, it would be wonderful if you could just ease back for once!
Libra (September 23 - October 22)
Given how important your friends and connections are to you, I would like to send you and your closest three buddies on an all-expense-paid trip anywhere in the world you want to go!Think of the adventures you can have with your besties! The new places you could visit! Enjoy and make memories, dear Libra!
Scorpio (October 23 - November 21)
Okay, so if I were really getting you a good gift, it would be a flamethrower. But I’m a little afraid you would use it, and stupid people everywhere would be in danger! Instead, I would like to give you a set of darts and a Polaroid camera. That way, you could take ’em out in theory, not in actuality. Oh, and I would also like to give you a brand-new car of your choosing! So you can drive away from idiots, leaving them in your rearview—and I’ll be in the back seat because the Brotherhood will have bound and gagged me, and thrown me back there. *sigh* Someday, those fools will love me!
Sagittarius (November 22 - December 21)
Sagittarius, you give the best advice to people. I would like to provide you with a national platform for your wise words! You are the kind of person who knows things that others should know—whether it’s a hack in the kitchen, a tip for travel, a review of a movie, I think you would be great running a newspaper (yes, I know, that’s an antiquated idea, but maybe we can have it be a social media account with ten million followers). Let’s spread your good sense far and wide!
Capricorn (December 22 - January 19)
Home is so important to you, Capricorn. Therefore, I would give you a new house! What would you like for your family? More bathrooms? A bigger yard? A different neighborhood or a pool or a mancave in the basement? It’s on me. You are a family person, and you like your family to be happy. Design your own or move into your dream house—it’s on me!
Aquarius (January 20 - February 18)
As someone for whom justice is important, I would like you to go and start your own nonprofit! Who would you help? How would you make a difference? What kind of services would you provide? Your heart is with humanity, Aquarius, and I would like to help you help others in this season of goodwill!
Pisces (February 19- March 20)
Around the world, Pisces! I am sending you around the world—with no itinerary at all! Indulge your love of exploration and travel—at your own pace and at your whim. You can go where the mood strikes and follow all veins of interest, expanding your horizon as you wish! Ah, the freedom you crave is on me!
Missives from the Mansion
