V:The whole thing. It made me appreciate the wall in my bedroom.
Rhage:Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. *swallows spoonful* I think everyone knows what my answer’s going to be here—
V:*interjects* Can you please drop the ice cream shit. It was only what, like two pages?
Rhage:Hey, pages are like time. Totally relative.
V:On that theory, if you read this stupid book, you better be immortal. It’s going to take you a century and a half to wade through, and you’re never getting those sad-sack years back—
Lassiter:*loudly from the foyer* I’ll say it again—you know you love me!
V:*shouts back* Only if you’re being thrown out a twelve-story-high, plate-glass window!
Lassiter:*from foyer* I have wings, dumbass! You just b*tched about them!
“Would you recommend this book to a friend?”
Wrath:Yes, I would, with the caveat that they have to hang through until the last page.
V:Absolutely not. Run. Save yourself.
Rhage:Yes, but with snacks. Or ice cream, with hot fudge. And tissues. Things get emotional—and not just about the Breyers. Actually, I think it was Häagen-Dazs—and V, if you didn’t read the thing, can you just relax?
V:This. From someone who’s brought up the three-line fucking ice cream scene twenty—fifty—times—
Rhage:Hey, ice cream is important, and it was a couple of pages—
V:You fucking made Fritz cry just now! Over something you could have marched your sorry ass down to the kitchen and gotten yourself!
Rhage:*points with spoon* Oh, you think self-help’s the solution? You made yourself a Grey Goose the other day, and he nearly fired himself.
V:*opens mouth* *closes it* Okay, that’s fair. But at least I’m not whining about it a week later—
Wrath:*hollers* Fuckinghell. Will you two shut. The. Fuck. Up.
*crickets*
*more crickets*
*annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd we’re still with the crickets*
Rhage:*pauses* *leans in to the King* You know what might help you—
Wrath:So help me God, if you offer me some ice cream, I’m going to stab another wall two inches from your skull.
Rhage:*sits back* *looks around* *motions with spoon again* You know, I’m feeling really under supported here. I’m just going to keep quiet and enjoy my—
Everyone:THANK YOU.
*another long pause*
Eddie Blackhawk:Yes, I think people should read the book because we’re in it—and no offense, Your Majesty, but the ice cream helped me chill out. *grins* See what I did there?
Adrian:Surprise, we’re in the book! *glances around at all the morose* You vampires are really heavy you know that. Does everything have to devolve into brooding silence? Jesus Christ—
Lassiter:*from another room* That’s still not my slogan, b*tch!
Rhage:*around mouthful* I love Carter Anderson.
