Like the relief she’d been so ready for was a houseguest about to walk in.
When there was no easing, no peace, no calming exhale…her horrible disappointment ushered in a reality she hadn’t anticipated. She’d been so busy trying to get away from the ghosts of her past in the mansion that she hadn’t considered the flip side to this place.
Her “new home” was one Wrath would never walk through the door of. Or have a meal in. Or take a shower or laugh in or talk and get real with her in…or tell her he loved her, curse when he knocked a shin into something, or call out her name, even though he always knew where she was in any place they were in.
He was never going to sleep beside her here during the day, his big body a furnace against her back, his scent like a tangible blanket, his long, black hair all over her pillow.
He wouldn’t even have fit on the stupid twin bed. Which had been the idea.
She’d been so determined to close him out, wall off the grief, and limp along until…well, she hadn’t gotten that far into her future. She’d only focused on what she was leaving, not where she was headed, other than some fantasizedhere.
And life was about so much more than location.
Reaching over her shoulder, she pulled her long ponytail forward. It had taken her three years to grow her hair out after that horrible bob she’d given herself just months after he died.
“I can’t stay here…”
The same words she’d spoken back then. Only now, she uttered them because the oppressive, prevailing absence of her mate made her miss Wrath like she’d just found out he was dead.
“Happy Anniversary,” she whispered.
Rubbing her eyes as they stung, she told herself to get going. George was being groomed back at the house, and he preferred her to be there when he got his nails clipped—he didn’t like even the most gentle ofdoggento handle his feet. So, she needed to start getting the suitcases and bags out of the car now—
“This was a mistake.”
Try epic failure.
This compound was an epic goddamn, motherfucking failure. Obscene amounts of time and money wasted, whole families about to be relocated, and for what. She didn’t feel any lighter. She wasn’t going to sleep any better. She hadn’t managed to outrun the grief.
Tears made everything go wavy, and as her body sagged, she felt as though she’d DNF’d the most important track meet of her post-Wrath life: Racing, racing, racing, busy, busy, busy, animated by the expectation that something would be different.
Only to hit the wall again, her emotions swamping her as she confronted all the inescapability.
What was the saying…hope floats? Yeah, well, grief was a dead weight that took you to the center of the Earth.
But come on, she’d broken her own rule. She’d made the decision well before the first year of mourning was up. This had been a doomed distraction from day one.
Abruptly, a black hole of sadness expanded inside her chest until it wasn’t just her heart that ached, it was the whole of her, head to toe, soul to sole—
“Mahmen.”
Her head whipped up. L.W. had wandered down the hall and was standing in the doorway of the room.
“What did you say?” she asked breathlessly.
Even though she’d heard the word. The beautiful, unexpected word she didn’t hear very often.
She wanted him to repeat it. He didn’t. But he did come forward with his arms outstretched toward her.
As soon as he got in range, she scooped him up and held him close. “Hey there…Blocks.”
The nickname came from his favorite pastime of stacking wooden blocks, and she could remember Wrath sitting with her in the playroom at the mansion and watching him build tower after tower of the colorful squares. It was a nice memory, it really was…because Wrath had smiled a lot when they’d stolen those rare, private moments alone as a family. Thanks to the war, he’d always been so grim, but when they’d been together just the three of them, he’d been able to let his responsibilities go for a little bit.
And now, as she held their son, and L.W. put his arms around her, she was reminded that a piece of Wrath was still here—and that gave her the shot of strength she needed.
Fine, the relocation was a letdown that sucked. Lesson learned: Everywhere she went, there she was.
However, this was the home she had, so this was the home she would make for her and L.W.
