Page 46 of Script
I wanted it all.
Was that wrong?
“Okay, everyone?” River Grierson rapped his knuckles on the table, but it wasn’t for everyone else’s benefit, it was for me, because what with love and my ever-present battling thoughts, plus trying to channel the character of Hayden “Mac” McKenzie, I was a mess. I focused in on River, who narrowed his eyes at me, and I could almost read the expression he had asstop-fucking-up-or-you’re-fired.
He cleared his throat. “Okay then, from the top of page seventeen; our hero, Mac, is at home, coming to terms with the loss of the Cup, and go!”
I read my lines, wondering if this was how Cam would say them, wondering what Cam was doing right now. Was he missing me?
“Okay, everyone, let’s call it a day. Finn, can you stay back please?”
Everyone else scuttled out of the room, a couple of them glancing back at me and offering me sympathetic half-smiles.
When the last of them had left, River shut the door and scooted a chair close to mine.
“Talk to me,” he urged.
“Sorry, my head isn’t right today.”
“Tell me what is stopping you from feeling the character—do I need to get the writer in and—”
“No, this is all on me.”
He patted my knee and then, sat back. “Talk to me if you like.”
“I want this role.”
He nodded. “And there is nothing you can tell me that will change that. Unless you’ve killed someone, have you killed someone?”
“No, jeez. No. It’s just…”
“There’s no ‘just’ here, and this is a safe place.” He waved at the desk in the corner of his vast office space, and for the first time I noticed the strategically positioned rainbows, and a photo of River with another man. Everything seemed to add up in that moment—River Grierson was queer? Or at least, an ally? How did I not know that? Why did he come to think I needed a safe space? Was I doing the subterfuge wrong? Was I messing this up?
“I can’t skate,” I blurted, and his eyes widened. Maybe I shouldn’t have opened with that. “I mean I can now. I’ve been having lessons from Cam, Cameron Chavkin, from the LA Storm, and I can do all the shots you need, but I fell in love with him, and I’m not out and I want to be, but then who will take me seriously because I’m just some half-assed action hero with stupid quippy one-liners and an acting start in daytime soaps. You say this is a safe space, but what if the studio pulls funding, what if…” I couldn’t carry on.
He chuckled, and that seemed so wrong. “Iamthe studio. It’s all mine. I’ve reinvested every single cent I’ve made back into this place. You want to come out, you do that. I don’t have time for any place that forces a person to hide their true self.”
“You don’t?”
“Nope. You don’t have many chances to find love in this world, so do what I did, tell the man you love him, then cling to him until he believes you. Acting is your job, but Cameron…”
“He’s my heart.”
“Exactly. Now, tell the man you love him. Grab that love and don’t let go. Then, tell the world if you want to, or don’t, but either way, you’re playing the role of Mac, and I want you back here two p.m. tomorrow sharp, for another run-through, and this time with a clear head.”
I couldn’t sleep,couldn’t even look at my phone, even though I saw the first message was from Cam explaining he might be a bit late in the morning.
If I started talking to him now, I’d probably lose my shit and ruin everything.
River was right; acting might be my career, but Cam was my heart.
I was dressed and waiting by the ice when he appeared, and I was going to play this cool and not leap at him, but he kissed me -- long, slow, drugging kisses that made me cling to him.
It had to be now.
I had to tell him, throw the dice, and see how they fell. “We need to talk.”
Chapter16
